


Suicide and Redemption

by LilyAnson



Series: Personal Demons [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Leviathans, Angels, Angry Lucifer, Character Death, Crowley and Feelings, Cured Crowley, Cutting, Dark, Demons, Divergent Timelines, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, Ghouls, Human Crowley, Hurt Crowley, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Brainwashing, M/M, Master/Slave, Past Rape/Non-con, Possessive Lucifer, Protective Sam Winchester, Psychological Torture, Rape, Rape/Non-con Elements, Raphael - Alive, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Telepathic Bond, Temporary Character Death, Torture, Trials of Hell
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-07
Updated: 2016-01-27
Packaged: 2018-05-05 13:34:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 21
Words: 46,958
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5377118
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LilyAnson/pseuds/LilyAnson
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Crowley gives the colt to the Winchesters he couldn't have foreseen the consequences.  What follows is the story of one demon and the two hunters that disagreed with his punishment.  Can they save their demon or is it already too late?</p><p>When searching for Bobby’s soul as the second trial Sam finds Crowley.  Stunned at the condition Crowley is in and the things Crowley's suffered through Sam decided to take Crowley with him as the third task of curing a demon for the trials.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> In an alternate reality where there is no “pit” and Lucifer was always the 'king of hell’ he just can’t leave hell like the demons can. Most of Crowley and the Winchester’s interactions were the same as canon except for where Crowley became the king.
> 
> Yes, the 'almost-apocalypse' happened almost identical to canon, just without Crowley's assistance.
> 
> Spoilers for up to 8x23 (Sacrifice)
> 
> Many thanks to Miss Phoenix for beta-ing this. Remaining mistakes are my fault not hers. I'm really bad about re-editing things.
> 
> These chapters will be noticeably shorter than normal for me. It's something I'm not used to writing so I anticipate it going slower. Bear with me please.

Crowley crouched in the corner of his cell, an iron collar around his neck and an iron cuff on one of his ankles. Though they should have burned like fire he didn’t feel them. He crouched in the corner trembling. Sooner or later the guards would come back. They always did. And when they came back they’d take him back to _him_. Crowley had long since lost track of time he had spent as Lucifer’s personal slave and fuck toy. 

He barely remembered his own name. All he knew for sure was that he would do whatever Lucifer wanted without question. Any question or hesitation would only force Lucifer to punish him. If there was one thing he wanted above anything else it was to avoid any punishment he could. Occasionally Lucifer would punish him for no reason or solely because other demons had displeased him. None of the normal abuse he suffered at the Archangel’s hands came close to what these punishments felt like.

Everything hurt. He couldn’t remember a time when he hadn’t hurt. At this point it wasn’t anything specific. It was now more of an all over sharp ache and throbbing pain. Cuts, burns and welts covered his body. At the end of each ‘visit’ Lucifer would heal the worst of the wounds. Enough to keep Crowley from dying and no more. Crowley desperately wished one day Lucifer would forget to heal him; forget to heal him and let him die.

*-*-*-*-*

Crowley opened his mouth to scream but only a whisper of sound escaped. His throat was raw from all of the screaming he had already done. The night was far from over. The whip struck his back again and again he tried to scream. Blood coursed down his back from the slashes the whip made. Suddenly there was a sharp, stinging pain from the top to the bottom of his back. Strong arms wrapped around him and squeezed. Even without the arms around his middle the pain kept him from being able to draw a breath. Crowley gasped trying to get air.

“Do you know how beautiful you look like this? Covered in blood, breathless and helpless?”

Crowley pulled frantically against the chains holding his arms above his head. Leaning in Lucifer brought his face right next to Crowley’s ear. The Archangel opened his mouth and ran his tongue from the bottom of Crowley’s neck to the base of his hairline. Crowley shivered against his will. Not tonight, please not tonight, Crowley begged. Anything but that.

“Mmm, so beautiful,” Lucifer whispered.

“Please,” Crowley managed in a whisper.

The hands around his middle loosened but didn’t release him.

“I’m hurt. You don’t like spending time with me?”

Crowley whimpered.

“That’s the spirit! Now who’s ready for some fun?”

*-*-*-*-*

Laying in his cell Crowley stared at the far wall not really seeing it. Every now and then his body twitched slightly but Crowley never notice. ‘Fun’, as it turned out, was hours of being passed around and used by Lucifer’s more favored demons. He would have long since passed out if Lucifer hadn’t used his powers to keep him conscious and cognizant. 

_“Don’t want you to miss any of the fun do we?”_

Crowley was unaware of the whimper that escaped at that memory. 

*-*-*-*-*

The door to the cell opened and, unable to help it, Crowley squeezed his eyes shut against the sudden brightness. Still with his eyes closed he scrambled backwards until he hit a wall. It wasn’t time for anyone to be here. Change was always bad. Desperately he tried to see who was here. As his eyes slit open slightly he inhaled sharply and shook. Whenever Lucifer showed up at the cell it was always worse than when he sent other demons to collect him. Crowley scrambled to his knees and bowed his head. Pain shot up through his knees as several cuts reopened. Still he didn’t dare move.

“Leave us,” Lucifer ordered to the guards.

There was a shuffling sound of footsteps as the guards rushed to leave. The door clanged shut loudly behind them. Crowley’s shoulders hunched forward and he tried to make himself smaller. If he could just make himself small enough maybe he could disappear. Of course, he couldn’t get that lucky. Lucifer strode forwards and and stopped only a foot in front of him. Without moving Lucifer flung Crowley against the wall and held him there. The feeling of Grace burned against Crowley’s skin. He didn’t bother to suppress his whimpers. If Lucifer didn’t get a satisfactory reaction he would only hurt him worse.

Lucifer strode forward until they were nose to nose. Crowley attempted to drop his head but couldn’t move it. Reaching up Lucifer placed his hand on Crowley’s chest and drug his fingernails downward. Small cuts opened and blood trickled down his chest. Crowley let out a whine. It wasn’t caused by the pain of the fingernails ripping his skin open, but rather the apprehension of what was coming. Lucifer torturing Crowley in the apartments was for Lucifer’s pleasure. Lucifer torturing him in the cell was solely for the pain.

Without warning Lucifer slammed an angel blade through one of Crowley’s shoulders into the wall behind him. Crowley howled in pain. As he was screaming a second blade pierced his other shoulder, pinning that one to the wall as well. The feeling of Lucifer’s Grace retreated but the angel blades pinning his shoulder burned. Crowley hung against the wall suspended only by the blades through his shoulders. Lucifer’s hand shot forward and griped him by the throat. Crowley went lax trying not to use any oxygen. Trying to conserve. After a while, unable to help it, he started to squirm. He wasn’t stupid enough to raise his hands but his body began to spasm back and forth desperate for air. 

“I hope you’re ready for a long night,” Lucifer hissed.

*-*-*-*-*

Crowley twitched slightly as pain from the angel blades pinning him to wall radiated Grace into his body. Gravity pulled at him causing his weight to settle achingly on the blades through his shoulders. Dried tears stained his face. He had no more tears left to shed. _Please let this end_ , he begged. _Let me die._ The door opened suddenly and Crowley flinched. Gods he couldn’t take anymore. How was he going to survive this round of torture?

Steady, sure footsteps approached him. All of a sudden the pain in his shoulders intensified beyond belief. The angel blades grated against the bones in his shoulders as they slowly withdrew. Brilliant white light filled his vision at the pain. When the blades were finally free of the wall Crowley fell to the ground and crumpled in a heap.

“On your knees bitch,” the demon growled.

“Yes, master,” Crowley mumbled. 

Struggling to move Crowley made it to his knees. His forearms from wrist to elbows pressed painfully against the floor. Though the other demons weren’t allowed to hurt him as much as Lucifer hurt him this was somehow worse. The humiliation at being ordered to obey them and being on call for any demon that wanted him was almost too much to bear. The demon grabbed his hips and spread him open. 

“There’s a good dirty little bitch.”

“Wait, let me suck you first. Please? Please, I’ll make it good.”

The demon hesitated.

“Please? I’m begging to suck you off, I’m begging. I’ll do it exactly as you like. Tell me how you like it. I’ll do it perfectly, I promise.”

Crowley felt his face flush in shame. Here he was, debasing himself, begging to suck the cock of a demon about to rape him. And yet he couldn’t help it. Anything was better than a dry fuck. Anything was better than the painful ripping and burning of being fucked without some form of lubricant. _Please let him agree_ , Crowley begged.

“Tell me you’re a whore,” the demon ordered.

“I’m a whore, master.”

Releasing his hips the demon struck his ass. Hard. Crowley jerked forward and his face smashed painfully into the ground. His upper lip and left eyebrow split open. Blood trickled down his face and neck.

“Like you mean it slut!”

Crowley cringed against the idea of degrading himself in that manner. He saw no other options. Even if he did this there was no guarantee the demon would let him suck his cock but what choice did he have? Spit was better than no lubricant at all. “Please master, I’m sorry. I’m a whore who forgot my place. I’ll make it up to you, I promise. Please, let me suck you, master. I need it. I need your cock in my mouth so badly right now. Please, master.”

Humiliation filled him and his cheeks burned.

Instantly the demon grabbed his hips again and slammed into his ass. Crowley screamed. His body shook as he struggled to remain still and not flee from his rapist. The demon leaned over his back still fucking him hard; hips rapidly pistoning in and out of his damaged and dry hole. Reaching around to his chest the demon gripped his nipples between his thumbs and forefingers and violently twisted them. Crowley howled in pain again, twisting his chest to one side first and then the other.

“Whore’s don’t get to make requests,” the demon growled. “Especially bad little whores.”

Oh Gods the pain. Lucifer had taken him just hours ago. He was already injured and the demon seemed to be rubbing against every rip and tear Lucifer had inflicted. _Let me die_ , he begged again. _Let me die_.

“Fucking little cockslut.”

The demon roughly shoved his dick into Crowley several more times. _Fuck this demon was huge._ Crowley winced every time the demon bottomed out.

“Just taking the cock. Not even complaining. You love the cock don’t you, slut? Tell me how much you love being used like the whore you are. Tell me how much you love being treated like this,” the demon ordered.

Crowley gasped in pain. He tried but he couldn’t speak. The pain was too bad. The demon tangled his fingers in Crowley’s hair and jerked his head backward.

“Tell me,” the demon demanded.

“L- L- Love… th- th- is,” Crowley stuttered.

The demon roughly slammed his face into the ground and held it there. “That’s a good little whore. Now beg me to fuck you harder.”

Crowley burst into tears. He couldn’t help it.

“Aw, the little bitch is crying. Tears of joy, whore? You like this cock in your ass? You must, you’re not even trying to fight this. Are you?”

Crowley continued to sob.

“Are you,” the demon yelled.

Crowley shook his head. He knew better than to fight. That would just get him hurt worse and then Lucifer would show up to punish him.

“Dirty little bitch. Filthy fucking whore. You’ll let anyone fuck you, won’t you?”

Crowley nodded as tears continued to stream down his face. 

“Nothing more than a toy for any demon that wants to get off.”


	2. Chapter 2

Laying flat on his stomach it was all he could do to breath normally. He could feel the demon’s cum and his own blood drying on his ass and legs. It was congealing on the floor under his legs and groin. Desperately he tried to ignore the sensation of it. It felt disgusting and he felt dirty. Like he had been offered a choice in the matter and was now paying the for consequences of his actions. He should move but he couldn’t find the strength.

Just then the door burst open again.

“No please.” Crowley cried out. Flinging his arms over his head he cringed. “I can’t, I can’t! Please!”

“Crowley?”

Crowley’s mind stuttered at that voice. He should know that voice but he couldn’t immediately place it.

“What the hell happened to you?”

Trembles shook his body. _No_ , he screamed mentally. _No more!_ Hands touched the outside edges of his shoulders and he shook harder. 

“Please,” Crowley whimpered. “No more, master, please. Hurts, too much.”

“Hush Crowley.”

“Yes, master,” Crowley acquiesced. Trembling in defeat, Crowley surrendered to the inevitable. This demon was going do as he wished because he could and there was nothing Crowley could do to stop the torture. What Lucifer wanted, Lucifer took. What he allowed the other demons to have, they took. 

It was his own fault he was in this predicament. If he hadn’t tried to have his Master killed he wouldn’t be in this position. Now here he was, the lowest of all demons. Forced to refer to the other demons as his masters. Tormented at the whim of anyone who wished to hurt him; raped by all who wanted to fuck him.

He had no idea which demon was here to hurt him this time, not that it mattered. They would do as they please. If he fought them it would only serve to bring Lucifer’s wrath down on him. _That_ was something he really couldn’t stand. Not right now. Not so soon after the last time. Better just to give in. It would end eventually.

“God, Crowley did they… were you…”

In his mind he heard the voice saying Gods. Never would a demon refer to the actual creator of the angels. A mixture of cum and his own blood seeped slowly from him as he lay on the cold floor shivering in fear of what this demon would do to him. 

“Were you raped,” the demon asked quietly. 

Crowley frowned at the question. Perhaps this was a test of some kind. Maybe he wasn’t supposed to consider it rape? Maybe he was supposed to be grateful? Maybe… Oh hell he didn’t know. He dissolved into tears again at the prospect of being punished for getting this wrong.

“Crowley?”

“I don’t know what you want me to say! Tell me what you want, please! Don’t punish me, I don’t know what you want! I don’t know! Just tell me, please!”

“Fuck,” the demon muttered.

Crowley cringed again. _Not that. Anything but that._ Clumsily he pulled his legs underneath himself and pushed his ass into the air. Dragging his arms under himself he pressed himself up onto his elbows with his forearms, elbows to wrist, on the ground. Pain seared through him as the position stretched his damaged hole slightly. More blood and cum seeped down his legs as the hole open wider than it had been when he was laying down.

“What the hell, Crowley.”

“You said fuck,” Crowley whimpered. “I asked you and you said fuck.”

“I didn’t mean… That’s not… Doesn’t that hurt?”

Still whimpering Crowley nodded. “Yes, master. Hurts.”

“Damn it.”

There were several metallic clangs as the demon did something to the chains. When the shackle around his ankle fell free Crowley never noticed. When the iron collar around his neck fell free Crowley shivered. The only reason to unchain him was to take him to Lucifer. Usually though, they left the collar on and unchained it from the wall. Panic began to set in at the thought of having to see Lucifer for a second time in the same day. The demon reached an arm under his chest and started to lift him upright. Pain flared and Crowley passed out.

*-*-*-*-*

“What the hell Sam!”

“Don’t Dean. We need a demon to cure for the third trial anyway.”

“Why the fuck is he naked? Is that blood?”

“Don’t know and yes. Can you help? He’s heavy.”

“I am so _not_ touching a naked Crowley.”

"God damn it Dean!”

*-*-*-*-*

Consciousness began to seep in slowly. Everything hurt or ached; stung or throbbed painfully. Uncomfortable, Crowley shifted. Pain from his injuries flared anew and he passed out for a second time. It was several hours later when he woke up again. He was still uncomfortable but he didn’t move. Taking stock of things he suddenly realized he was wearing clothing. That knowledge caused him to tense in apprehension. He wasn’t permitted to wear clothing anymore. Biting his lower lip he waited to be punished. When nothing happened he move on to other things.

Something felt odd. The ground was… soft. He shifted one shoulder testing the surface below him. There was a lot of give. Frowning he turned onto his side slowly. He was laying in a bed. Blinking Crowley frowned. He hadn’t slept in a bed since… he didn’t remember the last time he had slept in a bed. Carefully he pushed his legs over the edge of a bed and sat. The second he was upright he winced. Damn his ass hurt. He bit his lip again as he inspected his surroundings. 

He was in a sparsely furnished room. A bed, an empty bookshelf, a desk and a chair for the desk for the were the only items in the room. The walls were solid white and the carpet was a dark blue. Not recognizing the room he didn’t know what to do. Wait, he told himself. If he started wandering around without permission he was liable to get into trouble. Never do anything without orders. Standing was less painful than sitting but still not pleasant. Slowly he removed the clothing. Easing himself down Crowley made his way to the floor and laid down on his stomach. 

There was no telling how long he laid there in the silence. Not being allowed to use his powers he couldn’t check the time. When he heard footsteps approaching a shiver ran through him. _“Please not Lucifer, please not Lucifer, please not Lucifer”_ , he repeated over and over again in his mind. As the person drew near Crowley turned his head away and closed his eyes. He wasn’t permitted to meet another’s face unless specifically ordered to do so. 

The door opened and Crowley held his breath. Whoever it was stood in the doorway not entering the room immediately. Dread filled Crowley at the thought that maybe it was Lucifer watching him from the doorway. Not feeling Grace didn’t mean anything. Lucifer could suppress his Grace whenever he pleased. The absolute silence was killing him. Finally the other person enter the room and closed the door. 

“Crowley?”

So not Lucifer, Crowley reasoned. Still the voice sounded familiar. _I should know that voice_ , he thought. 

“Crowley,” the voice repeated.

“Yes, master?”

“I’m not your master.”

Crowley didn’t answer. What was he supposed to say to that?

“It’s me, Sam.”

Frowning Crowley furrowed his brow trying to remember. Finally it struck him. Sam Winchester. Crowley’s head started to turn towards the man when he stopped. A trick, this had to be a trick. Nope, he wasn’t going to fall for it. Even if he believed the Winchesters invaded hell for some reason why would they rescue him?

“Crowley?”

“How may I serve you?”

“Damn it Crowley!”

He was so used to the yelling and cursing by now he didn’t even flinch. He laid there quietly waiting for an order. The other man knelt down next to him. A hand alighted gingerly on his head. Crowley tilted his head leaning into the touch. There was precious few soft moments in hell. He allowed himself to revel in all of the soft moments when he could get them. Crowley hummed softly. 

“It’s alright. You’re safe now.”

Safe. As much as he knew those words were a lie he drank them in like a man dying of thirst finally getting a glass of water. After all of the pain and humiliation Crowley couldn’t get enough of the kindness being shown to him. _Please, just a few more minutes of this. I can’t deal with more pain right now. Let me have this, just for now?_

“Crowley?”

“Yes master,” Crowley whispered still nuzzling against the hand.

“Look at me please.”

“Please,” Crowley asked confused. No one ever said please to him.

“Crowley,” the voice stated, soft but firm.

Crowley nodded and slowly raised his head. His breath caught in his throat. Never had he expected to see this man again. He almost reached out to touch him to see if Sam was really here before he remembered his place. Dropping his hand he schooled his features and held Sam’s gaze. He gave a deferential nod.

“Yes, master?”

Sam ran a hand through his hair. “I’m not your master Crowley.”

“You’re not my _Master_ ,” Crowley stated. “Everyone else is now my master.”

Sam frowned. “Says who?”

“My Master.”

“Who is he?”

Sam wanted him to actually say _the name_? The name he was expressly forbidden to speak? Crowley began to chew his lower lip nervously.

_Lucifer backhand him. “I ordered you not to do that! Worthless slave! Will you never learn?”_

“Sorry,” Crowley muttered.

“For what?”

Crowley almost shook his head before he remembered better. Always, always, answer a direct question. “I’m not allowed to bite my lip.” he answered quietly.

“Why?”

“ _He_ doesn’t like it.”

“Your Master?”

“Yes.”

“Crowley? What’s his name?”

Crowley’s bottom jaw began to tremble. Here he was, caught between a rock and a hard place. How could he possibly answer when the answer was a name he was forbidden to say? He almost bit down on his lip again but caught himself.

“Hey, it’s okay.”

“It’s not. I must answer but I _can’t_.”

“Why not?”

“I am not allowed to speak his name.”

“Why?”

“He claims I am not worthy enough.”

“How about this? What if I guess? If I guess his name you don’t have to say it, right?”

Crowley thought about that. There was nothing forbidding him from nodding. That, he could do. “That would be acceptable.”

“Is it Lucifer?”

Crowley shuddered and nodded slowly.

Pressing his lips together Sam just stared.

“Master?”

“Stop calling me that,” Sam said quietly.

“I… I don’t…”

“You can’t call me Sam can you?”

Crowley eyed him sadly. “No.”

“Just pick something else. Anything else.”

“Sir?”

Sighing Sam ran a hand through his hair again. “I can live with that for now. Did he… Is he the one that… did that to you?”

“You mean my current injuries?”

“Yeah.”

“No. He… did some things but he healed most.”

“Who did that to you?”

“It was the demon that came by a few hours after him. I am required to be ‘on call’ for any demon that wishes to use me.”

Sam’s mouth opened but closed. He could see Sam struggling to find the words to some question that he didn’t know how to ask. Finally Sam took a deep breath. “Define ‘on call’ please.”

“It means ready. Willing. It means I must give them what they wish.”

“Even if it does… that?”

Crowley lowered his brows in confusion. “If it does what,” he asked.

“If it… hurts you like that.”

“My pain is irrelevant compared to the pain of betrayal my Master felt when I tried to have him killed,” Crowley quoted. He hadn’t had to pull out that quote in many years.

"Wait. You mean that this has been going on since..."

"Since I gave you the colt, yes."

"And you didn't fight back?"

"I did fight it in the beginning. I found out quickly that was a poor idea. He is our king. As much power as he has as an angel up here, he has more in hell as the king. Power and supporters."

"And they just let him do that to you?"

"I don't think you understand demons, Sir."

“Crowley?”

“Sir?”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault. I made the decision to betray my Master, Sir.”

“I wish you would stop calling me that.”

“I can’t.”

The door slid open and Crowley tensed. When Dean walked into the room a wave of relief washed over him. So both brothers were still alive? Good.

“He’s still naked,” Dean said flatly.

“Crowley? What happened to the clothes I put on you?”

“I removed them.”

“Why?”

“They are not permitted. They interfere with… other things.”

“Like being used,” Sam asked softly.

“Yes.”

“I’ll be right back. I have to talk with Dean for a minute.”

"As you wish, Sir," Crowley acknowledged with a slight nod. 

*-*-*-*-*

“What does he mean by he can’t wear clothes,” Dean asked.

“Ever since Crowley gave us the colt Lucifer basically turned him into a sex slave for all of hell. Crowley’s not allowed to wear clothes because they get in the way of him being raped.”

“Damn it.”

“Yep.”

“And he just let’s this happen?”

“I don’t think let is the right word. In hell Lucifer’s the king. He has backers and supporters who want him to rule. Those who might not want him to rule would still back him so the others didn’t turn on them. Not only would Crowley have to fight against Lucifer, he’d have to fight against those demons as well. Those injuries he has? He got those by cooperating with his latest rapist. Imagine if he had fought back. What do you think would have happened to him then?”

“Fuck.”

“Yep.”

“Well he’s not getting raped here. Here he wears clothes.”

“I agree. The problem is getting him to wear them. He’s had years of brainwashing we have to fight against. It’s going to take a lot of work to break through it.”

“Better get crackin’.”

Sam raised an eyebrow. “Me?”

“Oh come on. I don’t have the patience to deal with something like this. Can you imagine how that would go?”

“Damn it. Okay fine, but you owe me.”


	3. Chapter 3

With a deep breath Sam straightened. Authority. If Crowley had been brainwashed to believe he was lower than everyone else Sam had to use that to his own means. Work with what you have, he reminded himself. With one more deep breath Sam reached for the knob and opened the door. Crowley was still laying on the floor. Sam had a sudden realization that maybe Crowley hadn’t been allowed to lie in a bed. Why else would he choose the floor?

“Crowley,” Sam said more firmly than he felt.

“Sir,” Crowley replied questioningly without looking up to Sam.

“You will look at me when I talk to you.”

There was a moment of silence. Finally Crowley started to lift his head. Turning he looked straight at Sam, meeting his eyes. He gave a deferential nod once before replying. “Yes Sir.”

“I mean it. I order you to look me in the eyes every time I speak to you.”

Crowley nodded once again. “Yes Sir.”

“In this house you wear clothes. Do I have to make _that_ and order?”

Crowley hesitated. Sam could guess what he was thinking. He didn’t dare give Crowley too much time to think on it.

“Answer me,” Sam ordered, his voice had a hard edge to it that almost made Sam cringe.

Crowley flinched. 

“Crowley,” Sam growled.

“Yes Sir.”

“Yes, Sir, what?”

“Yes to clothing, if you order it, Sir.”

“Good. Then put the clothing back on now.”

Crowley stood. It was painful to watch. The way the demon moved belied countless aches and pains Sam could only guess that Crowley felt. Walking over to the far side of the bed Crowley picked up the sleepwear Sam had dressed him in earlier. The clothes were folded neatly. Setting them on the bed Crowley picked up the shirt first and put it on his arms. Sliding it over his head he drug it downward covering his torso and the countless scars there. Picking up the sleep pants Crowley stared at them.

“Crowley,” Sam growled.

Hurrying to obey Crowley stepped into the pants and pulled them up, finally finishing dressing himself. Crowley shifted uncomfortably.

“Problems,” Sam asked.

Crowley hesitated.

Damn it. He should have realized Crowley wouldn’t want to disagree with a direct order to the point of almost not obeying. Defiant to the end, Sam thought. Good. It was then he remembered he brought Crowley back because the third trial told them they had to cure a demon. Could he do that? Could he betray Crowley like that?

“Crowley?”

“Yes Sir?”

“I brought you here because we’re trying to close hell. We need to cure a demon.”

Crowley looked as though he wanted to speak but remained silent.

“Speak,” Sam ordered.

“I am… uncomfortable,” Crowley stated.

“The clothing?”

“Yes Sir.”

“Tough. Get used to it. In this house you wear clothing.”

“As you wish,” Crowley answered deferentially.

“I order you to call me Sam.”

Crowley bit his lower lip and chewed it for a while. After a time became self-conscious about it and released his lip. Sam could see the fear in his eyes. _“_ He _doesn’t like it."_ Sam struggled to throw that thought aside. What did it matter what Lucifer liked?

“Crowley.”

“Yes Sir?”

“I ordered you to call me Sam,” Sam growled angrily. He would have given almost anything to help this demon. No one deserved to feel the way Crowley felt right now. 

“I… S- S-... I can’t.”

“Yet. You will work on that.”

“Yes Sir.”

“Do I have to make it an order with a punishment,” Sam asked.

Crowley shook his head furiously. “No, Sir. I mean. S- S-... I can’t. Forgive me, please? I can’t!”

Sam felt sick to his stomach. “Say it,” he said raising his voice.

“I can’t. Please?”

“Crowley.”

“S- S- am.”

Crowley flinched as if he expected a blow. This time when Sam growled it was directed at those that had made Crowley this way. Still Crowley flinched just the same as when it was directed at him. Now is not the time to be angry at them, Sam reminded himself.

“Good. You will continue to call me Sam or else.”

Trembling Crowley nodded.

“When we cure the demon they’ll be human.”

Crowley’s expression didn’t change.

“Discussion?”

Crowley shook his head.

“I want your opinion on this.”

“I do not have one. It will be as you wish.”

“I wish you to have an opinion.”

Crowley tilted his head and seemed to be thinking about it. After a while he finally responded. “ _He_ will not like it.”

“Lucifer?”

Crowley looked down and nodded.

“I honestly don’t give a fuck what Lucifer wants,” Sam told Crowley truthfully. “I want to know how _you_ feel about it.”

Another moment of silence.

“I don’t want to be punished,” Crowley whispered. “If I don’t allow you to do this you will punish me. If I allow it _he_ will punish me. I don’t know what to say.”

“Would you like to be cured?”

“I don’t know.”

“Fair enough. I did just spring it on you. Come on, follow me.”

Sam exited the room and waited for Crowley to follow. He had expected the demon to hesitate but Crowley complied instantly. Yet another part of his training, Sam guessed. Do what you’re told immediately or get punished. He resisted the urge to growl again. With Crowley trailing behind Sam made his way to the kitchen. Dean looked up from a plate of food and inspected them. Sam walked over to the table and pulled out a chair. 

“Sit,” Sam ordered. 

Crowley sat down where he was and Sam resisted the urge to groan. 

“In the chair. Sit in the chair,” Sam clarified.

Crowley’s shoulders slumped inward and the demon seemed to be waging a war internally between doing something he knew he wasn’t supposed to do and doing as he was ordered. Sam waited. Finally Crowley stood and walked to the chair. Gingerly he sat down on the edge of the chair. His shoulders were hunched forward and his muscles were tense. He looked terrified. Sam pressed his lips together and went to grab another plate. He sat down in one of the other open chairs and put some food on the plate. Sam placed it in front of Crowley. Making a plate for himself Sam glanced to Crowley.

“Eat,” Sam ordered.

Crowley grabbed the fork and immediately dug into the food. Sam frowned. “Crowley?”

Crowley froze. Slowly he lifted his eyes to Sam.

“When was the last time you ate anything?”

“More than five years ago in human time.”

“Human time?”

“Time passes different in hell. In hell it was over two thousand four hundred years.”

Blinking Sam tried to wrap his head around that. “So, one year here is…”

“Four hundred eighty there. Forty years there per one month here.”

Crowley glanced down to the food, his hand shaking slightly.

“Eat,” Sam ordered. Crowley didn’t hesitate before digging in again. More than two thousand years? Suddenly Sam wasn’t hungry anymore. He shoved his plate closer to Crowley. “Eat as much as you wish,” he instructed the demon.

*-*-*-*-*

“Hey Dean?”

“What,” Dean asked, looking up from his research. 

“Can you keep an eye on Crowley for a while?”

Dean groaned. 

“I want to grab a quick shower. I won’t take long.”

“Fine but make it quick.”

“I will, thanks.”

Sam made his way to the bathroom. He didn’t relish the idea of leaving Crowley alone with Dean but he did want to snag a shower. Hopefully they wouldn’t kill each other in the time it took for him to finish. Closing the door Sam removed his clothes. He stepped into the shower and adjusted the water. In truth he needed a few minutes to himself. Ordering Crowley around had it’s drawbacks. He wasn’t accustomed to dominating anyone. It wasn’t who he was. Yet, if he didn’t, Crowley would simply revel in subservience. 

He had to find a way to fix this. No one deserved to be treated the way Crowley had been treated. Yet, he had a difficult time dominating another person. Crowley was his own person and Sam wished desperately that he could let him be who he was. Yet that wasn’t an option. Lucifer had broken the demon. Crowley needed someone to pull him back from the edge. Someone who could remind him of who he was supposed to be. 

*-*-*-*-*

Crowley sat on the floor looking up at Sam sitting in the chair. Sam had offered the chair to him but Crowley couldn’t bring himself to sit while Sam stood. Truth be told he was horrified at the very idea of forcing his master to stand while he sat. Instead he opted to sit on the floor. He was used to sitting on the floor. It felt more normal to him than sitting anywhere else. 

“Crowley, how do you really feel about becoming human,” Sam asked.

“I don’t know.”

“You have to have some opinion.”

Crowley lowered his brows. “On one hand if I am human I may not be able to withstand the punishments.”

“On the other?”

“My Master might not be able to find me to punish me. Sir?”

“Sam,” Sam corrected.

“Yes. I was-”

“No, not yes. Sam. Say it.”

“S- S- …”

Sam put his hands on his hips and waited.

“S- am.”

Crowley tensed expecting to be punished. Sam smiled down at him. “Good. Continue.”

“I was thinking.” 

“Yes?”

“My Master will be displeased that I am gone.”

“Tough. He can deal with being displeased.”

“I will be punished.”

“Not if I have anything to say about it.”

“I do not want you to be hurt.”

“I can take care of myself. He’s tried and failed before. Don’t worry about me, Crowley.”

“I… Is this an order?”

Sam sighed and Crowley inched closer to Sam’s legs. 

“May I…”

“What?”

“I’d like to… um… put my head in your lap,” Crowley stumbled looking at Sam’s feet.

“Did you do that with him?”

Crowley knitted his brows. Did Sam ask if he snuggled with his Master? “My Master doesn’t cuddle,” he answered honestly.

“Crowley?”

“Yes Sir?”

“Sam, Crowley. You call me Sam.”

“S- am.” He couldn’t stop the small flinch. 

“Yes. If you want you can put your head in my lap.”

Crowley grinned. He couldn’t help it. Leaning forward he lightly put his head in Sam’s lap and waited. When Sam didn’t immediately object or hurt him Crowley relaxed. He couldn’t get enough of this. Sam reached down and stroked his hair. Crowley hummed in contentment. This just felt so good. Basic contact without pain? Gods he had desperately missed this.

“Feels good,” Crowley mumbled.

“I’m glad,” Sam told him. “Crowley? You do realize we’re trying to close hell?”

Crowley nodded. “Yes.”

“If we’re successful Lucifer won’t be able to hurt you anymore.”

“My Master will be displeased.”

“Fuck him,” Sam snapped. 

Crowley flinched and began to tremble. He lifted his head off of Sam’s lap. _Please don’t punish me,_ he silently begged.

“Shh, Crowley. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to yell.”

Not a direct question so he didn’t respond.

“Crowley? You’re shaking. Hey, you okay?”

“Yes Sir. I mean… Ss Sam… Sorry. Please… Don’t punish me,” Crowley stuttered, still trembling.

“I’m not going to punish you for being scared.”

“Thank you,” Crowley said relieved. Cautiously he laid his head back down. When Sam didn’t object Crowley began to relax again.

“Maybe we shouldn’t discuss him right now.”

“As you wish.”

“I won’t lie to you. It’s probably not going to be pleasant.”

Crowley frowned. “What will not be pleasant?”

“Curing you.”

“Oh.” Sam was still on that. “I don’t think it will be worse than what I have already experienced.”

“I still wanted you to know before hand.”

Crowley shrugged. “It doesn’t matter. I will do as I have always done. Survive.”

Sam didn’t reply and Crowley contented himself with resting his head on Sam’s lap and, for once, not being hurt.


	4. Chapter 4

Tossing, Sam couldn’t get comfortable. Stupid bed. Sighing he ran a hand through his hair. It wasn’t the bed and he knew it. Sitting up he flung the covers off of his legs. It was Crowley, that’s what was bugging him. Maybe he should go check on the demon? God, didn’t he get enough of the demon during the day? Hour after hour of the demon silently waiting for some order or punishment. The previous hard edges of his eyes gone, replaced with open fear most times. It was not a look that suited his demon.

Sam blinked in surprise at that thought. Crowley was definitely not his demon. He had brought Crowley back for the third trial and that was all. _Yes, brought him back to use for your own needs. Just like Lucifer_ , his brain chimed in. “Not the same,” Sam muttered, getting out of the bed. Lucifer only wanted to hurt Crowley. _And curing him isn’t going to hurt him?_ He definitely wasn’t going to get any sleep. May as well check on the demon.

Quietly Sam made his way down to the dungeon. He and Dean had argued but in the end Sam had given in and let Dean put Crowley in lockdown when they slept. For his part Crowley didn’t protest. Whenever he was given and order he complied instantly. Lucifer had taken the strong willed and defiant demon and broken him down into a slave. No, even lower than a slave. Sam growled at the thought. As he approached the dungeon he took several deep breaths. If he went inside this pissed he was liable to terrify Crowley. 

When he was as calm as he was likely to get he opened the door and entered. In the darkness he didn’t immediately see the demon. Sam flicked the light switch and the room brightened. Crowley was sitting on the floor half under the table. His back was pressed against the chair and his legs were drawn up, arms wrapped around them. Crowley was shivering slightly. When the light came on Crowley ducked his head and whined softly. 

“Crowley,” Sam stated firmly. 

The demon shook harder and raised his head not quite meeting Sam’s eyes. Crowley’s eyes were slightly glazed as if he wasn’t fully here. “Yes, master,” Crowley whispered. 

Sam flinched. 

“Are you… okay?”

“Do you wish me to be,” Crowley answered quietly.

“Crowley, where are you right now?”

“With you, master.”

“You’re different now. You weren’t this way when we left you here last night.”

“My Master calls. He says I have been bad. I must be punished.”

“Lucifer?”

“Yes.”

“You can hear him?”

“Yes.”

“How?”

“I am a demon, master.”

“Not for much longer,” Sam grumbled. 

Moving forward he started to unlock the chains when Crowley’s hand shot up and grabbed his wrist.

“No. I hear and I must obey. If you release me I must kill you. I do not want to but I must obey. _He_ wills it.”

“Right. Chains stay on.”

He released the chains from the wall leaving them attached to Crowley.

“Come on,” Sam said briskly. 

As he started to make his way out of the room the chains went taut and he was yanked to a stop. He glanced back over his shoulder. Crowley hadn’t moved.

“Crowley?”

“I am not allowed to obey your orders anymore.”

Sam thought quickly. “What if it’s not an order? What if… I ask nicely?”

Crowley cocked his head and seemed to be considering this. With a sharp nod he finally stood. “That is not forbidden.”

Who knew how fast Lucifer could find out things. They had to move fast. Quickly he made his way to Dean’s room and threw the door open. Dean sat up instantly with a gun trained on them. Sam struggled not to roll his eyes. They didn’t have time for this.

“We gotta go. Now.”

“Master?”

Sam turned instantly, sure it was Lucifer Crowley was addressing this time.

“My Master will be displeased. He is sending others to collect me.”

“How long until they get here?”

“I am not permitted to know.”

“Fuck!”

“As you wish.”

“No!” Sam reached out and grabbed Crowley’s shoulders before the demon could lower himself. “That’s not what I meant.”

“Someone want to tell me what’s up,” Dean asked.

“My Master is displeased,” Crowley stated.

“Wait,” Sam said suddenly. “You can still talk to us? Answer questions?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“My Master wishes you to know others are coming to kill you.”

“Lucifer,” Dean asked loudly. He grabbed Sam’s arm roughly. “Seriously, he’s conversing with Lucifer?”

“Yes,” Sam growled shoving Dean’s hand off of him. “Crowley, how does he communicate with you?”

“He speaks. I hear.”

“He just speaks? That’s it?”

“Yes. He is angry.”

“I bet,” Dean muttered.

“I am keeping things from him. I can only withstand him so long but he must work to read my thoughts.” Crowley nodded absently. “Yes, for him, it _is_ worth it,” Crowley whispered.

“Crowley,” Sam asked.

“He wishes to know why I resist when I know what will happen.” Crowley nodded slowly. “I understand.”

“Do I want to know,” Dean asked.

“Do you,” Crowley asked back.

“We’re wasting time,” Sam growled. “Come on.”

*-*-*-*-*

Dean drove while Crowley sat perfectly still in the back seat. Sam, prayed. _“Cass, if you’re there we need you. We kind of have some Devil trouble right now and could use a little help. Show up if you can, please.”_

“Yes,” Crowley whispered.

Sam and Dean shared a look briefly before Dean pressed onto the gas pedal harder. 

“Sam,” Cass greeted.

Sam jumped at Cass’ sudden appearance. He was never going to get used to that. “We need help. Lucifer’s sending demons after us because we abducted Crowley.”

Cass inspected the demon. “Lucifer is in his mind as we speak,” Cass stated still watching Crowley. 

Crowley nodded. “Yes. I am blocking my thoughts. He is displeased. I will be punished.”

“How long can you block him, Crowley,” Cass asked.

“It takes him time to find them. The thoughts I hide. Soon, though, I will be in too much pain to resist his will. Another two hours perhaps.”

“Can you do anything to help,” Sam asked.

“Maybe. I’d rather wait. What I want to try will cause him intense pain. I’d rather wait until he can’t block Lucifer any longer. I’ll put out a call and see about getting reinforcements. I assume you’re beginning the third trial?”

“Yes.”

“Understood.”

*-*-*-*-*

“You had to pick the personal slave to Lucifer himself, didn’t you?”

“Shut it, Dean,” Sam snapped. Dean hadn’t been there. He hadn’t seen. Yes, Sam definitely had to get Crowley out of that place.

“You going to be alright,” Dean asked.

“Me? It’s you guys I’m worried about. If the demons show up and they make it inside to me…”

“Not going to happen. Me and Cass have you covered. You focus on curing Crowley.”

Sam nodded. Neither wanted to think about that. If the demons showed up and they managed to get to Sam that would mean Cass and Dean would probably be dead. Eight hours was as long as they had to worry about everything. If Crowley could hold off Lucifer a few of those hours they would have even less to worry about. When they had taken the demon into the church he hadn’t looked well. There was an odd haunted quality in Crowley’s eyes that worried Sam.

“Lock and load little brother. Time to get started.”

Sam nodded once, sharply, and headed for the church.

*-*-*-*-*

Three hours. Three long hours and almost twenty minutes was as long as Crowley could block Lucifer before the pain was too great. Crowley broke instantly. One second stiff and emotionless, the next sobbing and begging. He did try to comfort the demon but Lucifer was the only person Crowley seemed to hear. The words Crowley spoke as he begged his Master made Sam sick. Through Crowley’s half of the conversation Sam caught snippets of punishments no one should ever have to experience. Not even a demon. 

Less than five hours to go and still no demons. Hopefully it would take them a while to get here. The longer they went without having to battle demons the better. In about thirty minutes they’d be halfway done. All they had to do was make it through the second half and they’d be home free. Sam desperately hoped curing Crowley would break Lucifer’s hold. He couldn’t stand the desperate pleading in Crowley’s voice.

*-*-*-*-*

A while, as it turned out, was only forty minutes. Just after Sam injected Crowley for the fourth time the first of the demons had shown. Several angels had responded to Cass’ call for assistance. _“More might yet still show,”_ Cass had told them. Outside a battle raged between the two factions. Sam couldn’t stop himself from occasionally glancing out the window. Not once did he ever catch sight of Cass or Dean. He desperately wanted to go outside and help them. Crowley cried out loudly and Sam turned to him. Walking over Sam returned to trying to comfort the demon. Crowley still didn’t seem to be able to hear him. 

*-*-*-*-*

During the sixth hour three demons burst through the doors. Stumbling slightly Sam pulled his demon blade. The trials had began taking their toll on him almost immediately. It was rapidly wearing him down faster and faster after each injection. When the demons rushed him he threw himself into the fight. He managed to kill one of them before an angel he hadn’t met showed up and smote the other two.

“No,” Crowley yelled.

Sam spun around. Crowley had gone lax and now sat limply in the chair. He almost looked dead and Sam started to panic. The angel brushed past him and placed a hand on Crowley’s forehead. Sam held his breath.

“He lives,” the angel announced. “You will continue and I will remain to watch over you.”

Sam nodded and stumbled over to lean against a wall.

*-*-*-*-*

Minutes before the last injection Crowley’s eyes shot open and he began shaking his head rapidly. Crowley’s mouth opened and closed as if he was trying to speak. Sam stumbled over to the demon.

“It’s okay. Shh. We’re almost done.”

“No! You can’t! Don’t!”

Sam checked his watch; ninety seconds. As he raised the needle Crowley began thrashing in the chair.

“Don’t! No!”

He struggled to hold Crowley as the demon struggled to break free.

“You can’t! No! Stop, now!”

Spying an opening he took it, injecting Crowley for the last time.

“No,” Crowley howled. 

Suddenly the demon stilled and slumped down in the chair. 

“No,” Crowley muttered. “No, no, no.”

“It’s okay, Crowley. It’s over,” Sam whispered.

“Yes. Yes, it is,” Crowley agreed. “I’m so sorry, Sam.”

Sam cocked his head. Sorry? Suddenly he was wracked with pain unlike anything he had ever experienced.

.

“Sammy?”

Dean. Of course it would be Dean. Maybe Dean would kill him now. Death would be nice right about now. He couldn’t even look at Sam. Sam who had rescued him. Sam who had saved him. Sam who had taken him away from the pain and comforted him.

“Sam,” Dean yelled, rushing over to his brother.

_“It happened just as I said it would, didn’t it?”_

Crowley didn’t bother to respond.

_“First Sam, then Dean. You live. Death is far too good for you. Just think of the fun we’re going to have when you return.”_

Silent tears streaked down his face. Sam, the one bright memory he had left, lay dying just to his left and he couldn’t even bring himself to look at him one last time. Without warning pain, unlike any pain Lucifer had ever inflicted on him before, coursed through him. The world went black. The last sounds he heard were Dean screaming for his brother not to die and Lucifer's horrible laughter.

*-*-*-*-*

Grabbing the angel by the front of it’s shirt Dean growled at him. “Fix it,” Dean ordered.

“It is not permitted.”

“Permitted? What the fuck does that mean?”

“He must die.”

“The fuck he does. Heal him!”

“Dean,” Cass stated breathlessly. 

Like most of the others Cass was covered in the blood of the demons they’d slaughtered. There were a few injuries but none looked life threatening. Not long ago the demons had fled. Dean had headed straight for the church to check on his brother and found Sam convulsing on the floor next to Crowley.

“We can’t heal Sam,” Cass stated. “If he had stopped before the last injection then maybe-”

“You knew,” Dean shouted. “You knew and you didn’t say anything?”

“I didn’t know anything until after Sam finished curing Crowley.”

Dean turned to the demon in question. Crowley wasn’t moving. Dean’s eyes dropped to his brother. Sam’s breathing was irregular and harsh. He wasn’t going to last much longer.

“No.” Releasing the angel he stood and turned to Cass. “You heal him. Now!”

“We can’t heal him Dean. He has to die.”


	5. Chapter 5

_“He has to die.”_ The words rang through Dean’s mind. Looking down he stared at Sam laying in the bed. _“He has to die.”_ They had let Sam die and when Sam and Crowley were both finally completely dead Cass had reached down and placed a hand on Sam’s body. After a moment Dean found them all back at the bunker. Cass had brought Sam back to life. _“He had to die. His willingness to sacrifice himself needed to be tested.”_

Somewhere else in the bunker was Crowley. Dean hadn’t left Sam’s side long enough to find the demon. Who cared if the demon was alive or not if Sam never woke up? Cass assured him Sam would wake up but until it happened Dean couldn’t quite quell the fear he had lost his baby brother forever.

*****

“Dean.”

“Nnn,” Dean grumbled sleepily. He shove the hand off of his wrist.

“Dean,” the quiet voice called again.

He shoved the insistent hand off of his wrist again.

“Dean,” the voice repeated. 

Suddenly everything snapped into place. Sam! Dean’s eyes shot open and the first thing he saw was his brother's beautiful eyes staring up at him. For a moment he forgot how to breath. Sam was alive. Fingers softly settled on his wrist again. Then Sam smiled. Without a thought he wrapped his arms around his brother and held him. His fingers wound into Sam’s shirt as he clung to his brother. Alive, Sam was alive.

“D, hurts.”

D. Sam hadn’t called him that in years. Suddenly what Sam was saying caught up with him. Dean instantly loosened his grip and drew back. His eyes ran over Sam, inspecting him for obvious injuries. “What is it? What hurts?”

“Not specific. All over.”

“How bad is it?”

“Not bad. Just… don’t grip so tight?”

“Got it. Can I get you anything?”

Sam shook his head. “Crowley?”

Dean pressed his lips together. “He should be around somewhere. I haven’t left you since we’ve been back.”

“Find him?”

“Sammy…” 

“Please.”

“Yeah,” Dean finally acquiesced. He made his way to the door. Opening it, he left a hand on the door and looked back to his brother. “Don’t go anywhere,” he teased.

“Ha ha.”

*-*-*-*-*

“Hey,” he said quietly.

“Hello,” Cass greeted.

Dean inspected Crowley. Crowley sat in the center of the bed with his legs pulled to his chest and arms wrapped around them, rocking. The former demon was staring straight ahead, unblinking, mouthing something over and over.

“What’s he saying,” Dean asked.

“I believe he keeps repeating that he’s sorry.”

“For what?”

“I don’t know. He refuses to acknowledge anyone.”

Dean inched closer to the rocking former demon. “Crowley?”

Crowley didn’t give any indication of hearing him. “Hey, Crowley. Come on, we’ve got to go.” No response. “Come on Crowley. Sam wants to see you.”

Crowley’s head shot to him and his eyes bored into Dean’s eyes. His mouth had finally stopped moving. 

“Crowley?”

“Sam,” Crowley stated angrily. 

Dean hesitated. “Yeah, Sam wants to see you.”

“Dead,” Crowley growled.

“No, not dead. He’s alive.”

Crowley stood and stalked over to him. “Sam,” Crowley ordered. “Sam now.”

“That’s the plan.”

“Now,” Crowley ordered again.

“Calm down. Follow me and I’ll take you to him.”

Crowley hesitated. Somehow he seemed to grow smaller.

“Crowley?”

“Not dead,” Crowley asked tentatively.

“No Crowley. Not dead.”

“Take me,” Crowley asked quietly.

Dean glanced back to Cass who merely shrugged. 

“Yeah.”

Walking down the hallway Crowley trailed behind Dean with his eyes focused on the floor and his shoulders hunched forward. Dean frowned at the former demon’s behavior. It reminded him of how Crowley had been just after Sam had rescued him. For the first time he began to wonder if making Crowley human had severed his ties with Lucifer. When they reached the door to Sam’s room Dean turned to Crowley.

“You okay,” he asked.

“Sam.”

Pressing his lips together Dean eyed Crowley for a moment.

“Please? You said.”

“Yeah. Hey, he’s not doing too well okay?”

Crowley’s head shot up and fear etched his features.

“He’ll be okay,” Dean assured Crowley. “I just wanted you to know. He’s a little sore so be careful with him.”

Crowley nodded carefully.

Fuck, Dean thought. Finally he opened the door. Crowley stood, rooted in place, trembling slightly.

“Crowley?”

“Go in?”

“Yes, Crowley. You can-” Dean stopped talking as Crowley shoved him out of the way and rushed into the room. What the hell? Dean followed Crowley inside and found Crowley kneeling near the bed. He glanced to Sam and Sam shook his head.

“Crowley,” Sam said softly. 

Crowley was shaking and Dean finally realized Crowley was crying.

“Get up. Please?”

Crowley shook his head furiously.

“Please?”

“Alive?”

Sam sighed. “Yes Crowley, I’m really alive.”

“He said… He said…”

“Do you still hear him,” Sam asked.

“No, but at the church, the last time I did hear him… he said… He said you were going to… die. He said, if you cured me you would die.”

A semblance of understanding hit Dean. “Crowley,” Dean whispered. “Sam did die but Cass brought him back. He’s safe now, Crowley.”

“Safe,” Crowley questioned sounding unsure.

“Yes, safe. You’re both safe now.”

Head still lowered Crowley turned slightly and eyed Dean carefully.

“Safe,” Dean assured him again.

Crowley turned and finally looked up to Sam as if for confirmation.

Sam nodded lightly. “Safe Crowley.”

Crowley grinned.

*-*-*-*-*

Sam and Crowley sat at the table. Crowley was still wary of angels. After all the time he spent being tortured by another angel Dean couldn’t blame him. Dean stood near a counter making a sandwich for Sam despite protests that he wasn’t hungry. Cass was standing in the doorway watching. Dean placed a plate with a sandwich and chips in front of Sam. Sam passed the plate to Crowley and Dean scowled. Sam ignored the scowl.

“Crowley,” Sam said softly. Crowley tensed and tilted his head slightly. “Look at me please.”

Slowly Crowley raised his eyes and Sam smiled.

“Eat,” Sam ordered.

Crowley shook his head. “You.”

“I’m not hungry.”

“Eat,” Crowley insisted.

“Dean can make me another one. You take this one. Please?”

“You too?”

“Yes. If you eat that one I’ll eat one too.”

Crowley grabbed the sandwich and turned to Dean, watching him carefully. Dean raised an eyebrow. 

“Sandwich,” Crowley asked.

Rolling his eyes Dean turned and began fixing another sandwich for Sam. If Sam was going to eat without fighting it then who was he to argue. When he finished the sandwich he noticed Crowley hadn’t taken a bite out of his yet. Dean put a handful of chips on the plate and handed it to Sam. It wasn’t until Sam finally took a bite that Crowley began eating his own sandwich.

“Crowley,” Dean called.

The former demon froze.

“Another sandwich?”

“Another?”

“After that one,” Dean said nodding at the small piece of sandwich Crowley still held.

“Please?”

“Yeah. I’ll, uh, make you another.”

He turned back to the supplies and made two more sandwiches. Walking back to the table Dean put them on Crowley’s plate. Crowley stared at them cautiously.

“Yes, both are for you,” Dean told him.

Crowley looked to Sam and Sam nodded. Without wasting a second Crowley grabbed one of the sandwiches and began scarfing it down. _“Two thousand four hundred years.”_ Two thousand years without eating? Demon or not that had to be hard to endure. No one spoke until Sam and Crowley were finished eating. When they were both finished, Sam spoke first.

“Crowley?”

“Yes?”

“Do you think Lucifer can still read your thoughts.”

“I don’t know.”

“The chances of that are unlikely,” Cass stated quietly. “Crowley is no longer a demon, he’s now fully human. Mostly.”

“Mostly,” Dean asked.

“He’s no longer a demon but there’s something else going on with him.”

“Like what?”

“I can’t tell yet,” Cass admitted. “I might be able to find out if I access his thoughts.”

Crowley stood and the chair clattered to the ground. Terror filled his eyes. He seemed ready to bolt at any second.

“Crowley,” Sam said quietly.

Whipping around Crowley turned to face Sam.

“That’s not going to happen if you don’t want. Okay?”

“You won’t let it?”

“No, Crowley, not if you don’t want.”

Crowley dropped to the floor, kneeling, and put his head in Sam’s lap. “Thank you master. Thank you.”

“We talked about that, remember? You call me Sam.”

Crowley nodded vigorously. “Yes. Sam. I can do that. Whatever you want.”

“Crowley?”

“Master?”

“It’s Sam,” Sam repeated softly.

“Yes. Sorry. Sam.”

“It’s okay. We’ll work on it.”

“Yes,” Crowley repeated nodding more. “Sam?”

“Yeah?”

“Don’t send me away. Please?”

“Not going to happen, alright?”

“Thank you,” Crowley whispered.

They talked until Sam began to yawn. Crowley stayed kneeling with his head in Sam’s lap the entire time. Twice Sam asked if Crowley would like to move. Twice Crowley had shaken his head. After almost an hour Sam had gotten Crowley to sit on the floor instead of kneel. He doubted Dean would understand why Crowley didn’t want to move. Sam understood, though. Gently he ran his hand through Crowley’s hair as they talked. After he had started yawning Dean had ordered him to bed. Crowley growled softly but didn’t move to even so much as glare at Dean and Sam had shushed Crowley gently.

Finally he made it back to his room. Opening the door he turned back to the rest of the group. As he had expected Crowley’s eyes were fixed on the ground and he was shaking slightly. Sam stepped back from the door a little.

“Crowley?”

“Yes, Mas-… Sam?”

“Would you like to stay in my room?”

“Wherever you would like, Sam.”

“Would you be comfortable in my room?”

“Yes.”

“Why don’t you go in and get comfortable? I need to talk to Dean for a second.”

Crowley entered the room without another word and Sam closed the door quietly.

“Okay, I give,” Dean said the second the door was shut. “What’s going on and why are you offering to share your room with him?”

“Lucifer,” Cass whispered.

Sam nodded. “Yep.”

“Okay, anyone want to give me anything more than that?”

“Lucifer tortured Crowley for,” Sam paused. “at least five human years. More in hell’s time span. If he were still there he would doubtlessly have been hurt several times over in just the few hours we’ve been awake. He’s scared he’s going to get punished for doing the wrong thing.”

“And I brought up accessing his thoughts,” Cass added. “I didn’t think about how he might take it.”

“Because Lucifer could read his mind,” Dean asked. 

“That and more. Lucifer can also send pain mentally to demons.”

“Okay but he wasn’t this bad before the trial,” Dean countered.

“He also didn’t have to hold back all the pain Lucifer was giving him for three and a half hours before then either,” Sam pointed out. “Plus who knows how long Lucifer was hurting him before I even found him? When we rescued him I was the one taking care of him. He’s… better when he can be near me.”

“Damn it,” Dean muttered. “You can’t do anything to, I don’t know, help,” he asked Cass.

“There’s nothing to heal. Nothing physical anyway. I can’t provide the type of help he needs.”

“I still don’t see why he needs to sleep in your room.”

“Crowley spent a very long time with little, if any, positive interactions. Right now any bond between us is still fragile. He’s still scared I will hurt him at any given second but he wants to be near me because I haven’t. We still have a long way to go to build any kind of trusting relationship. He wants to be near me to feel safe. I need to be near him to help calm him down if he panics again.”

“I still don’t have to like it,” Dean grumbled.

“Nope,” Sam agreed. “But it is the best choice we have.”


	6. Chapter 6

The door opened and Crowley waited patiently to see if he was required for anything.

“Crowley,” Sam said quietly.

“Sam?”

“We don’t have that many rules but you are expected to obey them.”

“Understood.”

“Do you remember the rules we have?”

“You are Sam.”

“Yes that’s rule number one. What’s rule number two?”

Crowley was silent for a moment. Finally he raised his head. “Look when you are speaking to me.”

“Yes. And the last one, rule three?”

“Wear clothing.”

“Good. So, why are you not wearing it right now?”

“You ordered me to get comfortable.”

“Clothing annoys you that much?”

Hesitating briefly before answering he finally spoke. “No. It is not the clothing, it’s wearing the clothing.”

Sam walked closer and sat down near him. “Can you explain that?”

“The clothing does not irritate me. Wearing it causes discomfort. I was ordered not to ever wear clothing again. Sometimes I fear _he_ will punish me for wearing it. Sometimes I fear… you will decide you do not like it either,” Crowley finished quietly.

“I made wearing clothes a rule, Crowley.”

“My Master, my old Master, would sometimes change the rules.”

“I’m not him, Crowley. I will never do what he did.”

He didn’t dare allow himself to hope those words were true. He did allow himself to revel in the prospect of never being hurt again if only for just this moment. Sam ran a hand through Crowley’s hair and Crowley sighed happily. He loved it when Sam would touch him.

“Come on, let’s get you dressed,” Sam ordered, removing his hand.

Crowley bit down on the whine that tried to escape at the loss of contact. Sitting up he reached for the clothing he had been wearing. Dressing quickly he dropped his eyes to the floor and waited for his next order. 

“You didn’t get a bed either, did you,” Sam asked.

“No. Sometimes, if I was good, I would be allowed a blanket.” He paused. “Sometimes my Master would take me in bed.”

“You mean he would use you?”

“Yes, for his pleasure.”

Sam pressed his lips together. Did Sam have a problem with him having been with his Master? Would Sam make him leave now? A new thought occurred to him. Maybe Sam had wanted him but didn’t now because he that he knew Crowley had been with Lucifer? Suddenly it was important he knew what Sam meant.

“Sam,” Crowley whispered flinching. He wasn’t allowed to speak without permission.

“Yeah?”

“Did… Did you want…”

“Did I want what?”

“Me,” Crowley stated quietly. “I mean, before you found out about my Master,” Crowley said in a rush.

“Crowley,” Sam growled.

“I’m sorry, I just… You looked so mad. I wasn’t sure if…”

“Of course I’m mad. You were raped Crowley. _You_ should be mad.”

“I was not allowed to be angry. I betrayed my Master and-”

“ _He_ betrayed _you_! Loyalty is earned not granted!”

The sudden outburst of anger scared him. He didn’t know why Sam was mad or how to fix this. Whatever he had done it had been wrong and had upset Sam. “Please, Sam. May I pick my punishment?”

Sam stared at him and then blinked several times. “What?”

“I accept that I have done something wrong. I would like to be allowed a choice in my punishment, if you do not have something specific in mind.”

“Why would I punish you?”

“I made you angry.”

“No. You… you’re… Damn it.” Sam ran a hand through his hair. “Listen to me carefully,” Sam said slowly. “I am not mad at you. I am mad at Lucifer. You are not responsible for his actions.”

“I am,” Crowley said quietly. “I used to think that I wasn’t but I learned better. When I’m bad he must punish me. If I had not been bad he would not have hurt me.”

“Did he ever hurt you when you weren’t bad?”

“No. If another demon upset him and I did something that reminded him-”

“That’s an excuse Crowley. You are not responsible for anyone else’s actions.”

“If I did not make him angry-”

“ _He_ is responsible for his own actions. Not you. _He_ chose to torture you.”

“I don’t know what you want me to say,” Crowley whispered. Gods he wanted to make Sam happy but he didn’t know how!

Sam shook his head sadly and Crowley realized he had let his new Master down.

“I’m sorry,” Crowley whispered and he had never meant anything more. His heart ached at the thought that he had hurt Sam. His new Master was so… warm. Lucifer had been so cold and Sam was so warm. He _needed_ this. _Needed_ Sam. If Sam sent him away… 

“Please. Don’t make me leave. Punish me, I’ll accept anything without any complaint! Please!… Don’t leave me?”

Hot tears welled up and his eyes stung. 

“Crowley?”

Crowley pulled his legs up to his chest and wrapped his arms around them. 

“Hey, you okay?”

Crowley shook his head and began rocking. “Please?” The whining quality in his voice irritated even him. Of course it would annoy Sam. Could he do nothing right?

“I’m sorry. Don’t send me away. I’ll go to the barracks’ if you like. Anything… Just…” 

“Crowley?”

Crowley flinched.

“What are 'the barracks’?”

His heart broke. Sam wanted… _that_?

“Crowley?”

“I’ll go,” he whispered.

.

Something was very wrong. Whatever he said he seemed to make it worse. Barracks equal bad, Sam’s mind noted. He reached out to touch Crowley and the former demon flinched away. Fuck, how do I fix this.

“I’ll go,” Crowley repeated. “Please? I can stay? Don’t make me leave. I won’t fight them this time. Please.”

“Crowley?”

“Please Master?”

No, Sam almost yelled. Please don’t associate me with him.

“Please don’t. I need you. I submit. Please?”

“No, baby, don’t.”

“I did wrong again. Stupid. Stupid, stupid stupid!”

Crowley burst into tears. God, Sam thought, I keep fucking it up.

“I’m sorry. If… If you send me away… can you kill me instead?”

“No,” Sam actually did shout this time. Crowley trembled harder. Fuck! He needed help for this. He couldn’t take it anymore. With the look in Crowley’s eyes he didn’t think Crowley would even notice if he was gone for a while.

.

“Dean?”

His head swiveled to the door.

“Yes?”

“I need… help. Crowley…”

Dean growled at the thought the former demon had done something to his brother.

“No, he… I… Not like that.”

“What happened?”

“I broke him.”

“You… What? “

“I think he’s stuck in a flashback. I can’t take it. Him calling me Master? He called _Lucifer_ that! I can’t. Please Dean… help me?”

“Damn it.” 

Dean stood and followed his brother to the room he was sharing with Crowley. When he opened the door Crowley was sitting in the middle of the room rocking. His mind flashed back to when he had seen Crowley before the former demon knew Sam was alive.

“Crowley,” Dean shouted. 

Crowley’s rocking slowed.

“Front and center, now!”

Crowley’s eyes shot to Sam. Dean realized something in that moment. No, he didn’t have experience dealing with mentally unstable demons but Crowley trusted Sam, deferred to him. 

“Sam,” Dean whispered. “Order him to obey me.”

“What?”

“He defers to you. Order him to obey me.”

“No, I can’t. With everything that’s happened to him? Don’t ask that, Dean.”

“Order him,” Dean whispered. “You want me to help? I can’t if he keeps looking to you for confirmation. I need control.”

“Dean…”

“You give comfort. You can’t do to him what he needs right now and stay in that position. Give me control so that you can keep giving comfort.”

Pressing his lips together Sam held his eyes for a while before finally giving one, sharp nod. “Crowley,” Sam called still holding Dean’s eyes. “I order you to obey Dean. _That_ is your punishment for… what you did wrong.” Silence. “Crowley,” Sam growled. 

“Yes, sir,” Crowley whispered.

“I can’t stay and watch this,” Sam told his brother.

Dean nodded. “Go.”

Sam fled and Dean understood. Sam never did well with this. Even when torturing demons for information was necessary Dean did that. Dean eyed Crowley carefully. He had to handle this _very_ carefully. Not too much either way. Too nice and he wouldn’t be able to get through to Crowley. Too much pain and he could break the former demon further.

“Crowley. Front and center. Now.”

Whimpering the former demon scrambled to obey. When Crowley was finally kneeling in front of him Dean straightened and looked down at Crowley. “Tell me what you did wrong,” he ordered.

“I… I upset Sam.”

“How?”

“I don’t know. Please, I’m sorry.”

“Eyes down,” Dean ordered.

Trembling the demon dropped his eyes to the floor and waited. God he didn’t want to do this. No matter how much he despised the thought of hurting Crowley more he _had_ to do this to help Crowley. Crowley was broken and it would take time to put all the pieces back together. Until then he had to do what was necessary to reach the former demon.

*-*-*-*-*

Sighing Dean opened the door to his room. As he expected, Sam was inside sitting on the bed. The look on Sam’s face told him he had been right about how Sam would be feeling right now. Damn it. This was the last thing he needed right now. After having to calm down Crowley he didn’t want to have to explain this to his brother. Sam would have a hard time understanding Crowley had _needed_ this.

“Crowley,” Sam asked quietly.

“Still in your room. I need to explain something before you go see him.”

Sam eyed him carefully but didn’t speak.

“Crowley’s used to being punished.”

“He didn’t do anything to be punished for Dean!”

“That’s not the point Sam. The point is in order to help him calm down I had to hurt him.”

“Damn it, I should have known-”

“Stop. I didn’t hurt him that bad. I did just enough to convince him he’d been adequately punished. He needed it. He felt like he had screwed up. If he wasn’t punished at all he wouldn’t have been able to calm down. He would always assume you were just waiting until he didn’t expect it to punish him.”

“I wouldn’t do that to him.”

“I know that, but _he_ doesn’t.”

“How,” Sam asked quietly.

“I, uh… had him strip and used one of your belts.”

“Damn it Dean.”

“I did the least amount possible. I didn’t want to do it at all Sam but he _needed_ it.”

“Fuck!” Sam ran a hand through his hair and looked away. “It’s not you. I’m just pissed that you had to do this at all. I was hoping he would be better when we cured him.”

“Lucifer fucked his mind pretty good. It’s going to take a while to patch him back together.”

“I’m sorry you had to…”

“Don’t be. Crowley’s attached to you. You comfort him. It had to be someone else. He needs you to comfort him. I can’t do that, I’m not any good at the comfort thing. I wouldn’t know what to say or what he needed. You know those things. If you had punished him it would have solidified his relationship with you as the same as his relationship with Lucifer. He needs to learn he’s safe and for that he needs _you_.”

“How bad is it?”

“Not that bad but you’re not going to like it. Mostly it was the words that helped but there had to be _some_ physical aspect. You need to be prepared for it. He’s going to need you to comfort him when you go back.”

Sam nodded. “Soon.”

*-*-*-*-*

Knowing what to expect didn’t completely prepare him for actually seeing the after effects. As Sam opened the door Crowley stiffened and Sam froze, unable to look away from the horrible red welts covering Crowley’s back. Breathe, Sam thought to himself. Look at it clinically, he reminded himself. If he was being honest he had to admit it was almost all superficial and nothing close to how Crowley looked when they first brought him back. A lot of the damage was consolidated in one area. Probably because quick strikes to the same area would hurt the already damaged skin more than if it was spread out over fresh areas of skin.

“Crowley,” Sam said quietly.

“I was good,” Crowley whispered. “I was good, promise. I didn’t fight back. Forgive me? No more punish?”

“No baby, no more punish.”

“Sam?”

“Yes, baby?”

“Clothes now?”

“Yeah.”

He helped Crowley sit up. When Crowley started to stand Sam stopped him. “I’ll get the clothes. You stay there.”

Instead of the sleepwear Crowley had formerly been wearing Sam picked the softest clothing he could find. Moving back to Crowley Sam sat down and helped him dress. When Crowley was finally dressed Sam reached around Crowley and held him. The former demon leaned against Sam’s chest and whimpered.

“Shh, baby it’s all over now. It’s okay.”

“Sorry I was bad.”

“It’s okay. Everything’s better now.”

“Thank you Master.”

Sam’s eyes threatened to water and he furiously tried to blink the tears away. 

“Don’t call me that, Crowley. Please?”

“Yes. Sam. I call you Sam.”

“That’s right. Just Sam.”

“I can stay?”

“Yes, baby, you can stay.”

“Thank you Sam.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this is a bit short but I like it cut better here for a chapter so the next part runs together as one chapter as well. I'm almost done with the next one. Should be posted later today if I get time to finish it. As always thank you to all the people reading.

Sam woke up to bolts of pain shooting down his back. For a minute he didn’t know why his back hurt. Lifting his head he realized he had fallen asleep sitting up. Instantly he remembered Crowley. Snapping his eyes open to check on the former demon he found Crowley, eyes open, watching him. After Sam had fallen asleep Crowley hadn’t moved out of his arms. He realized it shouldn’t have surprised him. The demon was probably still desperate for normal human contact.

“Hey,” Sam said quietly.

A corner of Crowley’s mouth turned upward in half-hearted smile.

“You feel better,” Sam asked.

“Yes, Sam.”

Wincing Sam stretched. 

“Sam?”

“Yeah?”

Crowley faltered. “I know I should have waited for permission. Sorry.”

Sam stared at him confused. “Permission for what?”

“To talk.”

“Crowley… you don’t…” Sam sighed. “You don’t have to wait for permission to talk here. Do I have to make that a rule?”

“If you would like.”

“Would it help?”

“It might.”

“Very well, consider it rule four.”

Crowley nodded. “I was going to say I was sorry. For not being a demon anymore. If I was still a demon I might have been able to help your back. It’s my fault it hurts.”

“No it’s not. I fell asleep down here, it’s my fault.”

“You wouldn’t have had to if I hadn’t been so needy,” Crowley whispered.

“It’s not your fault Crowley. Don’t ever be afraid to ask for anything you need. You know what? Rule five: Ask for what you need. Understood?”

“I…” Crowley trailed off and looked doubtful.

“Crowley,” Sam snapped sternly.

“Yes. Understood.”

“Good. Rule four?”

“Speak. No need to wait.”

“Good. Come on, time for breakfast.”

“Sam?”

“Yes?”

“Could…”

Sam remained silent and waited patiently, giving Crowley time to find his courage.

“Could I… hold your hand,” Crowley muttered quietly looking away.

Sam grinned. Crowley asking for contact seemed no small miracle. “Yes, Crowley,” Sam told him holding a hand out. Crowley’s eyes shot back to meet his, disbelief coloring his face. Sam wiggled his fingers slightly.

“Well?”

Crowley took the proffered hand carefully, his eyes never leaving Sam’s. The second their hands touched Crowley leaned away slightly looking scared. Sam smiled softly and some of the fear seemed to abate as tension eased out of Crowley’s shoulders. Finally Crowley gave him a small, tentative half-smile.

“See, all you have to do is ask.”

Crowley finally gave him a full smile and looked embarrassed. 

“Ready for breakfast?”

“I get to eat too, right?”

“Yep.”

Another real smile, even if still slightly embarrassed. Sam could have cried in joy.

“Ready,” Crowley stated firmly.

They left the room and made their way downstairs. It was slow going but moving was helping his back. Every now and then Crowley would cast a sideways glance at him and Sam knew what he was thinking. The former demon was probably still berating himself for not being able to fix Sam’s back. Sam resisted the urge to shake his head and didn’t say anything. Finally they made it into the kitchen. Dean looked up as they entered and his eyes briefly glanced to their interlocked hands. Without a word Dean returned to eating.

“Crowley,” Sam stated slowly. “If I _ask_ you to sit I will always mean in a chair. Okay?”

“I know.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. Now. Before I just…” 

“We’re not thinking about before. Not right now, okay?”

“Okay.”

Breakfast proceded slowly. Despite the progress they had seemingly made Crowley still wouldn’t pick what he wanted out of the food present claiming it was all fine. He also refused to fix his own plate. It took Sam several minutes of trying to get Crowley to eat before he realized Crowley wasn’t going to eat unless he made himself a plate first. Sitting in a chair was something Crowley could manage. Eating before Sam, it seemed, was not something he would allow. Throughout breakfast Crowley’s eyes never strayed to Dean and Sam remained worried about that.

“Sam,” Crowley asked suddenly.

“Yeah?”

“Can I try something?”

“What are you thinking?”

“I might be able to help your back. I mean if I can touch you.”

“What’s wrong with your back,” Dean asked suspiciously.

Sam rolled his eyes. “I just slept wrong Dean.”

“Can I,” Crowley asked anxiously.

“Yeah,” Sam agreed. “Go ahead.”

Crowley stood and walked behind Sam. In a matter of seconds Sam felt Crowley’s hands on his shoulders. Before he knew it a moan of relief escaped his lips as Crowley’s fingers dug into the knots. The fingers stilled. 

“No,” Sam stated. “No, don’t stop.”

“It’s okay,” Crowley asked nervously.

“It’s amazing,” Sam told him honestly.

The fingers returned to kneading the muscles in his shoulders and he relaxed back into the chair while Crowley worked. As one knot let go Crowley moved onto the next. By the time Crowley finished Sam’s back no longer ached. Sam rolled his shoulders testing them. Finally he turned to face Crowley.

“Much better. Thank you.”

Crowley grinned like it was the best compliment he had ever received. Maybe it was.

“Hey,” Dean interjected. “Crowley, with me.”

Wariness radiated off of Crowley immediately. His shoulders slumped inward and his head lowered. With one small nod he made his way over to Dean. Sam opened his mouth but Dean shook his head. Frowning Sam followed as Dean, followed by Crowley, left the kitchen. They ended up in the library area of the bunker.

“Okay,” Dean stated. “Here’s the deal. You need something to do and we need help organizing the library. With your knowledge of magic you can help ward the bunker more as well. Before you do anything I want you to check with me or Sam. Got it?”

“I… I don’t understand,” Crowley said quietly.

“What don’t you understand?”

“The books. They might… If I… If I found one that might be harmful…”

“To us,” Sam asked quietly.

Crowley nodded.

“Fine,” Dean answered. “Bring all books you wish to study to us first.”

Crowley nodded but still looked like he wanted to say something.

“Speak,” Dean ordered.

“How do you know I will not read them against your wishes?”

“Will you?”

“No, I promise, but, what if… What if you thought I did? I mean, not that, I’m not insinuating…”

“Crowley, stop,” Dean ordered.

Crowley’s mouth instantly snapped shut.

“What do you suggest we do?”

“Whatever you feel is best, sir.”

“I want you to give me your opinion, Crowley.”

Biting his lower lip Crowley shifted uncomfortably. “I would prefer not to work in the library without one of you present,” he whispered.

“I agree to that for now. I reserve the right to change my mind.”

“Understood.”

“Good. Now let’s get to work.”

Sam sat down in one of the chairs and watched the two of them work. From time to time Crowley would glance over as if to check that Sam was still here. When would catch Sam watching him Crowley would smile sheepishly and return to whatever task Dean had ordered. As the two of them worked Sam realized two things. Most of what Dean was ordering done was actually busy work. The second thing Sam noticed was the nervous apprehension leaving Crowley’s shoulders. Suddenly Sam smiled. Dean was doing this solely to help Crowley bond with him as well. 

_“He needs you to comfort him. I can’t do that, I’m not any good at the comfort thing.”_

The hell you’re not, Sam thought. You’re not good with words but sometimes actions speak louder than words. Sam’s smile broadened. As they continued to work Crowley glanced back to Sam less often and seemed to relax more around Dean. _Thank you_ , Sam thought to to his brother.

Right now they were mainly focused on returning books either Sam or Dean had used recently. To Sam’s curiosity Crowley was always very careful when he was moving any of the books. At first Sam wondered if Crowley thought he might get in trouble if something happened to them. After a while he noticed small smiles on Crowley’s face when the former demon would touch them. Soon he realized that Crowley was actually humming. Dean made his way over and sat down beside Sam. 

“Busy work,” Sam asked.

“Well it does need to be organized,” Dean muttered.

“True,” Sam mused. “I think I’m going to take him shopping.”

Dean turned and stared incredulously and Sam shrugged.

“What? He needs clothes, shoes, a razor, all kinds of things. If I take him he can try on things.”

“You want to take Crowley out into public?”

“Yeah. I don’t see a problem, we’re just going shopping.”

“You don’t see the problem with taking an ex-demon, with panic attacks, who was tortured by Satan for thousands of years into a public area?”

“He’ll be okay Dean.”

“You want him to be okay, that’s not the same thing.”

Before Sam could reply he caught sight of Crowley watching them apprehensively from across the room. Some of the tension had crept back into Crowley’s shoulders. Damn it. He turned back to Dean. “I’m taking him and that’s all there is to it,” Sam said as he stood.

.

Damn it Sammy, Dean thought as he watched his brother and Crowley leave. The last thing Crowley needs right now is to be around large groups of people he doesn’t know. Well, good news at least, Crowley didn’t have demonic powers anymore so they didn’t have to worry about that if he did panic. Maybe he should put in a long distance call to heaven and see if Cass could keep an eye on them. _Cass, wherever you are, get your feathery butt down here. We may need some assistance soon. Sammy’s planning on taking our new friend on a field trip._


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***POSSIBLE TRIGGER WARNING FOR SELF HARM*** 
> 
> Please read safely.

By the time they were pulling back to the bunker Crowley was starting to feel slightly better. It wasn’t that the trip had gone badly. Quite the opposite actually. For the most part he had enjoyed spending time with Sam. What he hadn’t really cared for was the amount of people in the places they’d gone. He didn’t like too many people in his personal space anymore. It made him nervous for various reasons. 

Any of those people could be a demon trapped on the earth after the gates had closed just waiting for the chance to kill him. It would be difficult enough to defend himself but how could he hope to keep Sam safe? They didn’t even have to be a demon to pose a danger to his Sam. There was also the knowledge that, in the very recent past, anyone in his personal space had always meant he was being punished. Every time someone would brush past them his fingers had itched to grab onto Sam’s hand. 

Sam occasionally turned and gave him a small smile. Crowley figured Sam wouldn’t want him to be visibly upset so he squashed his fears down as much as he could. He had to make sure not to upset Sam. He had gotten off very easy on his last punishment. Yes it had hurt but it could have been so much worse. Mostly he was just grateful for that. Still, he was worried they had gone easy on him because it had been the first time. What would happen the next time he messed up? 

A lot his problems came from the rules. He had never had to deal with rules quite as vague as these. His old Master’s rules had been very explicit. What you were and were not allowed to do had been very precisely laid out. He was having issues interpreting the new rules he had here. They weren’t nearly as structured. He worried constantly about messing up and breaking a rule. Look at Sam when Sam talked was one of the hardest ones. Lucifer had never allowed eye contact unless he moved Crowley’s head to face him. Strangely sitting in a chair was difficult as well. It made him nervous to be seated, equal, with his Master. He was breaking so many of his old Master’s rules he sometimes felt he should present himself for punishment before someone showed up to drag him off for punishment.

“Well, we made it back,” Sam stated amiably as he turned off the engine.

Happy, he told himself. He thought of his Sam holding him all night. Turning he smiled back to Sam. 

“Ready to go in?”

“If you are,” Crowley said nodding deferentially.

.

Sam thought about telling Crowley he was allowed to have his own opinions but decided against it. At least for now. What was the other choice, stay out here? He would talk with Crowley about it later. Opening the back door he grabbed several of the bags. When he turned around he came face to face with Cass and jumped.

“Geez. I swear you need a bell.”

Cass cocked his head quizzically and Sam just shook his head. 

“Never mind. Want to help carry some of this in?”

With a nod Cass reached in and grabbed some of the remaining bags. Sam handed a few to Crowley and between them all they would be able to carry everything in one trip. It was nice of Cass to come out help them. Sam’s mind paused. Why _was_ Cass here to help them?

“Cass,” Sam called out as they entered the bunker. 

.

As Sam stopped to talk with Cass Dean walked over and stood next to him. Crowley stopped and waited to see what his other master wanted. Dean took the bags from him and set them down on the nearest table. Dean kept him there as Sam and Cass continued past them.

“How did it really go,” Dean asked.

“I don’t understand,” Crowley replied.

“Sam always likes to see the positive side of things. I want the truth. Honestly, how did it go out there.”

Crowley started to bite his lip self-consciously but he stopped himself.

“It was… nerve wracking. I mean nothing happened, it’s not that. I am just not accustomed to being around large numbers of people. Also I worry that one day we might come across a demon. I can’t sense them anymore. If we come across a demon I can’t protect Sam now. I’m not sure I could protect myself.”

“We closed the gates of hell.”

“Yes, but there were still demons on Earth when you closed them. They will still be out there waiting to retaliate for you closing their Master away.”

“Damn it.”

“Dean? 

“Yeah?”

“I also worry about…” 

“About what?”

“The rules are vague. I am not used to-”

“You sent him to spy on us,” Sam asked loudly.

Crowley took an involuntary step backwards when he heard the anger in Sam’s voice.

“Seriously, Dean, what the fuck?”

“Of course I sent him to keep an eye on you. You’re taking a mentally unstable demon shopping and-”

“Former demon,” Sam shouted back.

“Same difference. The point is who knows what could set him off. Then where would we be?”

“Nothing happened!”

“Because we got lucky! You’re pushing this too fast!”

Crowley took several more steps backward until he hit a wall.

“He needs to interact with other people!”

“Slowly! You’re pushing him too far, too fast!”

“You’re only saying that because you didn’t want him here in the first place!”

Crowley’s breath caught in his throat. He knew this had been too good to last. Sam and Dean were arguing and it was all his fault. 

“I think we should all calm down,” Castiel intoned.

“You stay out of this,” Sam shouted back without looking at the angel.

“You’re the one that just _had_ to rescue the personal slave of Satan himself.”

“You didn’t see what it was like there! Yes, Dean. I had to get him out of that place!”

Crowley couldn't take it any longer, he fled.

.

“You have no idea how much work it’s going to take to help Crowley. We may never completely break through all of Lucifer’s brainwashing.”

“So I should just give upon him?”

“That’s not what I said, Sam. You just need to learn to be more realistic.”

“So I should just accept he’s broken and _not_ try to help him?”

“You know that’s not what I meant,” Dean growled.

“Guys,” Castiel said trying to interrupt. 

“Just admit you don’t want him here.”

“You’re just pissed because you know I'm right.”

“Guys,” Castiel said louder.

“What,” Sam snarled back, still glaring at Dean.

“Where’s Crowley?”

Slowly Sam and Dean turned and inspected the room. 

“Damn it,” Dean muttered. “Sam you check your room and the second floor. Cass you check down here. I’ll check everywhere else.”

“Got it,” Sam acknowledged rushing to the stairs.

Dean took off and Castiel headed for the library. The former demon seemed to like books, perhaps he would have fled there. Entering the library Castiel didn’t see Crowley anywhere. It would have been easier if Crowley had still been a demon. Castiel would have been able to feel the energy radiating off of him when he was close. With Crowley human this would be more difficult. 

.

_Stupid!_ **Cut.** _Worthless!_ **Cut.** He should have known better. **Cut.** The brothers were inseparable. If Dean didn’t want him here Sam would make him leave. **Cut.** Sam would never pick anyone over Dean. **Cut. Cut.** He should have known better than to believe he could stay and be safe here. As Crowley moved to cut himself again the knife flew out of his hands. Crowley’s eyes shot up and he saw Castiel standing in the doorway to the kitchen.

“Please,” he begged. “I have to pay. I have to be punished, I have to!”

“No, Crowley.”

“You don’t understand! I have to do this!”

“No, Crowley,” the angel repeated.

“I _need_ to be punished! I want to stay here! I _have_ to be punished!”

The angel cocked his head. “Very well then. I will punish you.”

As the angel strode forward Crowley cringed back against the wall behind him. Sitting on the floor, in the corner, there was nowhere for him to go. The thought of Castiel punishing him terrified him. Lucifer had been an angel as well. He knew how badly an angel could hurt someone. Castiel stopped right in front of him and Crowley flinched away from the angel. 

“Please, no! Dean! I pick Dean!”

“You want to be punished? I will do it,” Castiel stated firmly.

Crowley began to tremble. Hanging his head he accepted his fate. Maybe if he didn’t fight against this Sam would let him stay. The hope that he _might_ not have to leave kept him from moving when the angel leaned down and put a hand on Crowley’s head. Clenching his jaw he squeezed his eyes shut and waited for the pain. Seconds passed. Finally the angel withdrew his hand. Crowley waited but nothing else happened. 

“Cass?”

_Sam?_ Crowley’s trembling increased. Please not Sam, please not Sam. “Master,” Crowley whimpered. 

“Shh, baby. It’s okay.”

Crowley shook his head. “It’s not! He said he would do it! Please Master? Let him punish me. I submit, I won’t fight! Anything to stay!”

“Crowley,” Castiel sighed. “You’re punishment is finished.”

Crowley blinked several times. Nothing felt different. Mentally he checked for anything that felt different. Nothing hurt. Not even the knife wounds… Frantic Crowley inspected his arms. Healed. The angel had healed him.

“No,” Crowley howled.

“Hush,” Castiel ordered. “You insisted on being punished. The thing you want the most right now was to be hurt. I refuse to allow it. _That_ is your punishment.”

No. Castiel couldn’t do this. He had to be punished. If he wasn’t even good enough to be punished why would Sam even want to keep him here? If he wasn’t good enough for punishments how could he be good enough for anything else his Master wanted? The angel couldn’t do this. He needed to be punished. Needed Sam.

“Please,” Crowley begged.

“No,” the angel stated.

Crowley broke into tears.

.

“What happened,” Sam asked.

Before Cass could answer him Dean entered the kitchen. His head went to Crowley almost immediately. For a while he just stood there watching the former demon sobbing. “What happened,” Dean asked.

“I am not entirely sure. I believe he blames himself for something. When I arrived he was cutting himself. He is insistent he must be punished.”

“I must,” Crowley sobbed. “I want to stay with my Master.”

“Crowley,” Sam said softly. “Don’t call me that, please.”

The sobbing intensified. “Stupid! Can’t do anything right!”

Someone put a hand on his shoulder and Sam turned back to see his brother. 

“This is where he needs _you_ ,” Dean whispered.

“I don’t know how to fix this.”

“You just comfort him. I’ll take Cass, you help Crowley.”

Nodding to his brother Sam turned back to Crowley.

“Stupid!”

Sam knelt down and sat next to the former demon. How was he supposed to fix this?

“Crowley?”

“I’m sorry, please don’t send me away!”

“I’m not going to send you away.”

Crowley seemed to curl up even smaller. Unable to watch the suffering any longer Sam wrapped his arms around the former demon. “I’m not sending you away.”

“Please?”

“Never, okay.”

Sam felt Crowley’s head nodding against his chest as Sam held him. 

“Crowley?”

“Yes?”

“You’re safe here.”

Again he felt Crowley nod against his chest. Luckily Crowley seemed to be calming slightly. 

“Can I ask a question?”

“You’re the M-... Sam,” Crowley finished quietly.

“Please don’t get upset, but why do you feel you need to be punished?”

“I want to stay,” Crowley whispered.

“You don’t have to be punished to stay here, but that’s not what I meant. I mean, what do you think you did wrong this time?”

Crowley whimpered and snuggled against him. “Shh, baby, it’s okay. Can you answer me?”

“I don’t know. Dean. Brothers. He… If he wants me to leave… Want to stay.”

“Did he tell you to leave?”

Crowley shook his head. “The fight. You said he didn’t want me here.”

Sam winced when he thought about everything Crowley had heard. “Hey, listen. It’s not like that. I was just mad.”

“Brothers. My fault you fought.”

“No, Crowley, it isn’t.”

“Yes.”

“No, and hush.”

Crowley nodded silently.

“It’s not your fault. I was upset for several reasons, none of which were because of you.”

“Scared,” Crowley mumbled.

“Of me?”

“Of displeasing you.”

“Crowley?”

Another nod.

“I’ve never had to help someone through this before. If there’s anything I can do to help you more you need to tell me.”

“Rules,” Crowley whispered.

“Rules?”

“Too… vague. Don’t understand. Don’t know if I’m breaking them. Need better rules, more specific.”

“Can you explain that?”

“Rule five, ask for what you need. I asked to hold your hand. Not a need, but…”

“If it’s what you needed at the time, it was a need.”

“Vague. Don’t know if I’m breaking rules or not. Clothing is uncomfortable. You said get comfortable. I took clothes off. Rule three wear clothes. All times? How do I obey get comfortable and rule three?” Crowley gave a whine of frustration. “Stupid.”

“No. Do not call yourself that ever again.”

“Sorry.”

“It’s okay. We’ll figure this out together. Can I ask another question?”

“Not for me to decide.”

“Fair enough, I just don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Can you tell me why you were cutting yourself?”

Crowley whined and ducked his head lower, curling into Sam’s chest again.

“It’s alright, I’m not mad. I just want to understand better.”

“Punish. Need punishment.”

“Why?”

Crowley was silent for so long Sam had almost given up on him answering.

“Need it sometimes,” Crowley said quietly.

“Punishment?”

“Pain. Always hurt before, now no pain. Also, Dean is mad I’m here. If I’m not worth punishing… why would you keep me?”

Sam’s eyes slid closed at the pain in Crowley’s voice. Holding onto Crowley more tightly he began rocking them. “Shh, baby, I’ve got you. I’m not sending you away.” It was one thing to understand how traumatized Crowley had to have been. It was something else to finally realize how deeply Crowley had been affected. They probably hadn’t even scratched the surface of the damage done to the former demon yet. He was going to have to talk to Dean. 

Sitting in the floor Sam continued to rock Crowley. Eventually Crowley’s hands tentatively reached up and brushed against his shirt. Sam didn’t say a word, he just continued rocking them. Cautiously Crowley’s hands lightly gripped the material of his shirt and still Sam continued rocking. His mind flashed back to Crowley asking to hold his hand. He finally realized how much courage it had to take Crowley to even ask.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry everyone. I got caught up writing a challenge and a thank you story. I had to get them taken care of while I had the muse for them. Hopefully updates here happen faster now. Thank you for being patient everyone.

On the way to the library Crowley suddenly stopped short. Still holding onto Crowley’s hand Sam turned back to face him. Crowley stood staring down the hallway ahead of them and trembling. Turning to Sam Crowley shook his head.

“I can’t. Please. He hates me.”

“Everything will be okay. He doesn’t hate you and he’s not mad at you either.”

“He doesn’t want me here. If he decides to throw me out…”

“That’s not going to happen, I promise. Crowley, look at me.” Sam waited until Crowley turned to face him before continuing. “He doesn’t hate you. He doesn’t want to throw you out and I wouldn’t let him even if he did want that. You’re here now. Here and safe, okay? Tell me how to help you. I need help here, please.”

“You could… order me to comply.”

“I won’t do that. If you’re not ready this can wait. I won’t force you into anything.”

Panicky eyes searched his for a moment and Sam continued to wait. 

“Can I hold your hand in there?”

“The whole time if that’s what you need.”

“Want,” Crowley corrected. “I will manage without if you wish.”

Sam gave Crowley’s hand a light squeeze. “You want to know what I wish?”

Crowley nodded.

“I wish for you to feel at ease. If that means you have to hold my hand then that’s fine.”

“Thank you,” Crowley whispered.

“Ready?”

“I think so.”

With one last nod Sam began leading them towards the library again.

When they entered Sam saw that the furniture had been moved so that they were in the center of the room. Cass and Dean had taken the two chairs and left the couch for Crowley and Sam. Looking back Sam inspected Crowley, who seemed to be doing… well, no worse than he had been in the hallway, at least. Carefully he led Crowley to the couch, never letting go of his hand, and sat next to him.

“Crowley,” Dean asked softly.

Crowley flinched and pressed against Sam. Sam nodded for Dean to continue.

“None of us here have experience with the things you’ve been through. I thought it might be time for us to sit down and discuss things. This meeting is only to help us understand how to help you. No one is going to hurt you for anything you say here. Okay?”

Silence. Sam exchanged hands so that Crowley was holding his left and wrapped his right arm around the former demon. “Crowley,” Sam said softly. “We need to know if you understand.”

“Yes, understood,” Crowley whispered.

“We need to know what we can do to help,” Dean coaxed.

“Rules,” Crowley whispered. 

Dean glanced over to Sam.

“The rules are a bit vague for him,” Sam explained. “We need to make them more specific.”

“Okay. How,” Dean asked.

“Crowley,” Sam asked.

Crowley shrugged one shoulder and pressed his face into Sam’s side.

Sam thought about what he knew trying to figure out how to get Crowley to participate.

“Crowley,” Sam said sternly. “Sit up straight.”

The speed with which the former demon responded almost made Sam wince.

“If it helps you feel better you can keep your eyes down but you will answer our questions in a volume we can all hear. Understand?”

“Yes,” Crowley replied.

“We’re starting with the rules,” Sam informed him.

Crowley gave one deferential nod.

“Rule one,” Sam stated.

“You are Sam,” Crowley answered.

“Yes. You will address all of us by our names. You will not call any of us Master. Is that clear?”

“Yes, Sam.”

Sam hated the hard edge his voice had taken on but it couldn’t be helped.

“Rule two,” Sam stated.

Crowley lifted his head and looked into Sam’s eyes. “Look at you when you speak to me,” Crowley replied dutifully.

“Is that rule not clear enough?”

“Very clear,” Crowley replied.

“You have problems with it?”

“I… I’m not supposed to…”

“No, you’re not supposed to look at Lucifer or a demon. _We_ are neither.”

Crowley nodded once. “Yes, Sam.”

“You _will_ look at whoever is speaking to you. Understood?”

“Understood.”

“Rule three?”

“Wear clothing.”

“Crowley, does clothing really make you that uncomfortable?”

“Not… Not the clothing.”

“Just the memories,” Sam mused. “Are you honestly more comfortable without clothing?”

Crowley hesitated. “Sometimes.”

Sam thought about how to fix that but came up blank. 

“I have an idea,” Dean stated.

Everyone turned to face Dean, including Crowley. 

“What if we give him his own room?”

Crowley flinched.

“Explain,” Sam prompted Dean.

“If he has his own room then he could spend time there when he doesn’t feel comfortable wearing clothing.”

Sam thought about that. It wasn’t a bad plan but Crowley seemed terrified about not being able to stay in Sam’s room. “Okay, here’s what we’re going to do. You are still welcome to stay in my room. We will come up with rules for acceptable behavior in my room later. You will have your own room for whatever you wish to use it for. When you wish to stay in my room you may. If clothing becomes too much or you wish to spend time alone you will spend time in your own room. Understood?”

“Yes, Sam,” Crowley replied hesitantly.

“Speak,” Sam ordered.

“I… I can still…”

“Stay in my room as well?”

“Yes,” Crowley answered.

“Yes,” Sam confirmed.

Crowley seemed to ease slightly.

“Rule four?”

“Speak. No need to wait for permission. I’m not sure…”

“Because Lucifer didn’t allow it?”

“Yes.”

“And I remind you of Lucifer,” Sam asked harshly.

Crowley cringed backward, against the couch and slightly away from Sam.

“No,” Crowley dissented. “No, never.”

“Good. Then do not compare me to him. _He_ has his own rules. _I_ have my own. As long as you are here you will obey _my_ rules.”

“Yes,” Crowley agreed quickly. 

“Good,” Sam stated. God he hated having to treat Crowley this way. Wasn’t there any other way? 

“Is that all the rules we have so far,” Dean asked.

“No,” Crowley answered. “Rule five: Ask for what you need.”

“I think we need to work on the differences between a want and a need,” Sam suggested. “Crowley, you asked if I would hold your hand through this. Does holding my hand help calm you?”

“Yes,” Crowley admitted looking ashamed.

“Then it’s _needed_ for you to feel calm. That’s a need, not a want.”

Crowley eyed Sam suspiciously. He started to chew his lower lip but stopped. Sam’s heart broke for Crowley as he watched the former demon struggling to overcome more than two millennia of brainwashing. And here I am, doing exactly the same thing Lucifer did to him. Ordering him to obey me. It might be a different set of rules but the game was the same.

“I don’t know if I can consider that a need,” Crowley stated slowly.

“You don’t have to,” Sam told him. “ _I_ consider it a need.”

Crowley nodded once.

*-*-*-*-*

All told there were ten rules so far. The last rule was one they were all to obey, whatever was said in any of the meetings stayed there. No one was to discuss anything anyone said during any meeting. Whatever was said there was to stay there and nothing said there would ever result in a punishment. It was to be a safe place for Crowley to be able to say whatever he needed to as well. Sam inspected his room. Their room.

If he was going to share this room with Crowley, which was more than likely what would happen, he needed to make changes. Even with Crowley having his own room Sam doubted he would spend much time there. The former demon was completely starved for the most basic of interactions. Sam found it difficult to believe that Crowley, if given a choice, would opt to be alone. Speaking of the former demon… 

Leaving the room Sam made his way down the hallway to the bathroom. Cupping his ear to the door Sam frowned when he didn’t hear anything. Straightening he knocked on the door and waited. As he was about to knock again the door opened. Crowley was dressed and clean shaven but there were two nicks.

“I, um. I haven’t had to shave in a while.”

Smiling softly Sam reached up and ran his finger over the skin near one of the small cuts. Crowley’s eyes closed and his head tilted slightly as he leaned into the touch. For the first time Sam could remember the former demon almost looked at peace. Sam almost didn’t want to stop. Crowley hummed softly and Sam smiled before finally dropping his hand. Crowley’s eyes opened slowly and for a while both of them stood there in a comfortable silence.

“We’re going to have to rearrange the room later,” Sam said finally breaking the silence.

Crowley cocked his head questioningly. 

“So you have your own dresser and… uh, do you feel uncomfortable in a bed?”

Crowley shrugged. “I don’t really feel comfortable or uncomfortable. They’re a bit soft compared to what I’m used to but that’s about it. Whenever I was…” He trailed off before beginning again. “Whenever I got to lay in a bed I knew I would be hurt less than other times.”

“Which do you prefer?”

“I honestly don’t have a preference.”

“Would you mind sleeping in a bed?”

“Not really.”

“Good. We’ll move one in tomorrow. I prefer if you didn’t sleep on the floor here.”

Crowley shrugged once again.

They made their way back to Sam’s room and Sam headed for his bed. Pulling the covers back he paused. He turned around and looked back to Crowley. Crowley stood silently with his eyes on the floor. Could he let Crowley sleep on the floor tonight? Yes he was used to it but that didn’t mean it was right. 

“Crowley?”

“Yes?”

“Would you like to, um, sleep in my bed tonight?”

Crowley stiffened slightly.

“I mean just sleep. Nothing else.”

“I wouldn’t disobey if you wished for more,” Crowley said quietly.

“No, that’s not… I didn’t mean… No. I just meant sleep, okay?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Sam,” Sam corrected automatically.

“Yes, Sam.”

Stupid, Sam thought to himself. Why hadn’t he expected Crowley to think he meant sex? Of course he would. Stupid, stupid, stupid. “Yeah, sleep in the bed tonight. I’m going to go do some research in the library. I’ll be back later.”

I am not running away, Sam told himself. It’s always good to be up to date on things. I should be doing research. _Keep telling yourself that,_ his mind chimed in. Shut it, Sam growled back. It wasn’t until he reached the library that he was finally able to breathe normally. 

*-*-*-*-*

Sam’s eyes shot open and he jerked away from whoever was touching him. Squinting against the brightness he looked over his shoulder. Cass? “Hey,” Sam said sleepily. “What’s up?”

“You looked uncomfortable. I thought I should wake you so you could go to bed.”

Sam rubbed the sleep out of his eyes and looked around. He had fallen asleep in the library. Several books were splayed out in front of him but he still couldn’t remember what he had been researching. 

“Yeah, thanks,” he muttered.

Why was he down here? Instantly it all came crashing back. Crowley. In his bed. “Yeah, thanks Cass. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

The angel looked like he wanted to say something more but thankfully didn’t. With a nod Cass turned and left. Sam ran his hand through his hair. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to go back to his room or not. Could he force himself to sleep in the same bed when he knew how Crowley was likely to take that? He really should go back and check on Crowley. In the end that was what did it. He had to know if Crowley was doing alright.

Standing Sam stretched. His back popped twice. Finally he left the library and headed for his room. He climbed the stairs slowly worried about what he would find when he finally made it to his room. Logically there was no reason for him to be worried. He knew what he would find. Crowley, asleep, in his bed. Still some unnamed concern lurked just out of reach making him feel uneasy. When he reached his door he hesitated. There were several other rooms he could use. He had almost convinced himself to find another room when he heard a muffled cry through the door. Opening the door slowly he peered inside.

“Crowley,” Sam whispered.

“No. Stop please,” Crowley mumbled.

Frowning Sam entered and closed the door. It took a while for his eyes to adjust. On the other side of the room he heard Crowley shift on the bed. Carefully Sam made his across the room. When he made it to the bed Sam watched the sleeping figure toss once more.

“No, please,” Crowley whispered in his sleep.

Nightmare. Without thinking Sam sat on the edge of the bed and put a hand on one of Crowley’s shoulders. The former demon flinched. “Shh,” Sam whispered.

“Hurts too much.”

“I know, baby. It’s okay.”

Crowley rolled onto his other side and whimpered. Again without thinking, Sam laid down next to Crowley. Gingerly he put one arm over Crowley and continued trying to soothe him. Crowley continued to whimper. “Shh, baby, you’re safe here.”

“Hurts.”

“I know. Shh.”

He had no idea how long he laid there comforting Crowley but at some point Crowley finally calmed. Sam lay there watching over the former demon intent on making sure he didn’t have a recurrence. Despite his intentions, eventually, Sam drifted off to sleep.


	10. Chapter 10

Though they had moved an extra bed into the room, more often than not, Sam found himself sleeping in the same bed as Crowley. There were relatively few nights the ex-demon didn’t have nightmares. In retrospect it was easy to understand. However, in the dark nights when Sam lay with Crowley attempting to keep the nightmares at bay, occasionally the lines would blur. Against his better judgment Sam found himself becoming more and more attracted to Crowley as the days passed. 

The last thing Crowley needed right now was to have to deal with Sam’s confused emotions. To make matters worse he had walked into the bathroom yesterday just as Crowley was getting out of the shower. Crowley merely tilted his head and waited to see what Sam wanted. Sam had mumbled something, he still wasn’t sure what, and fled. Ever since then Crowley had been eying Sam curiously. Sam desperately wanted to avoid the other man until he could figure out how he felt about things. Unfortunately that wasn’t an option. Crowley still didn’t like to be alone and Dean still made him nervous most of the time.

They’d given Crowley a room of his own the day after the meeting but to Sam’s knowledge Crowley hadn’t used the room once in the two weeks since then. Sam was at odds over whether or not to say anything. On one hand, if Crowley did stay in his own room Sam could take some time to process his feelings for the other man. On the other hand, Sam knew he wouldn’t get any sleep because he would continuously check in on Crowley to make sure he wasn’t having a nightmare. As he tried to figure how to handle things Sam lay stretched out on his bed pretending to read a book.

“Sam?”

Sam looked up from the book.

“I mean, you said…”

Sam sighed heavily. “No, you do not have to wait for permission.”

Crowley’s face fell and he glanced away. “Sorry,” Crowley muttered.

Damn it, Sam thought. It’s going to take a while, you have to stop getting annoyed. It won’t help him. “Nothing to be sorry for,” Sam said, making an effort to keep his voice light. 

“I think, maybe, I’ll, um, sleep in my room.”

Sam frowned confused. “Um, okay?”

“Yeah. Uh, okay, I’ll be going then.”

Sam watched as Crowley turned and all but rushed out of the room. Something wasn’t right. Two weeks and not one indication of wanting time alone? The odd nervousness that seemed to radiate off of Crowley? The swift retreat? No, something was definitely not right. Sighing, Sam stood up, dropped his book onto his bed and made his way to Crowley’s room. When he reached the door Sam paused suddenly conflicted. 

Maybe Crowley really did just want to be alone. Maybe it was his imagination and nothing was wrong? _Yeah, and maybe his time with Lucifer had been smiles and rainbows,_ his brain added helpfully. Sam growled and knocked on the door. It was only a few seconds before the door opened slowly. Crowley stood in the doorway staring at the ground. When he raised his head Sam saw Crowley was biting down hard onto his bottom lip. Finally Crowley moved away from the door leaving plenty of room for Sam to enter. Sam walked just into the room and stood in the in the doorway.

“I was expecting you,” Crowley whispered.

“Really?”

“Yeah.” He shrugged, still refusing to meet Sam’s eyes. “I had this speech all prepared for telling you I was staying here tonight. Then when I started and you reminded me I didn’t have to wait… your tone… I don’t know, I just got nervous. I figured there was no way you would let that go without an explanation.”

“Fair enough. So what’s the explanation?”

“It’s going to sound stupid,” Crowley mumbled.

Sam waited. After all the time they’d spent together he knew Crowley well enough to know Crowley would answer a direct question given enough time. There was no need to press.

“I just… It seemed to me like… Like you didn’t want me around,” Crowley whispered. 

Sam blinked stupidly for several seconds. “I… Did I do something?”

“You just seemed to, I don’t know, ‘bristle’ whenever I wanted to be near you.”

“Damn it. I’m sorry, it’s not that I don’t want to be around you.” Sam ran a hand through his hair. “I just realized something and I was trying to figure out what it meant and what to do about it.”

“May I ask?”

“I don’t know. I’d rather not press you.”

“Me?”

Sam sighed. “I suppose I should tell you though. That way you don’t get the wrong impression. I’m not sure how far it goes yet but I’ve started having feelings for you.”

“Feelings?”

“Yeah look, I’m not trying to press you or anything. It’s just that I’m still trying to figure what it means myself. I didn’t want you to think it was anything you were doing that was pushing me away or something.” Sam trailed off and eyed Crowley carefully. There was a slightly distrustful look in his eyes. “Crowley?”

Immediately Crowley dropped his eyes to the ground. “As you wish,” he whispered.

Sam lowered his brows. “As I wish… what?”

“It will be as you wish. I will submit.”

“No, you won’t. Damn it Crowley, I wasn’t saying I wanted to fuck you.”

Crowley remained silent.

“Say something,” Sam ordered.

“I will comply with whatever you decide.”

“Damn it! Just stop. I don’t want to… do that to you.”

“Have sex,” Crowley asked tilting his head slightly.

“Not sex. Rape, Crowley. I’m not going to take advantage of you.”

“So… you _want_ sex?”

“No. Yes. Damn it! I don’t know. Yes, I suppose. I do want you, but I want you to choose what _you_ want.” Crowley opened his mouth and Sam glared at him. “Don’t you dare say you want whatever I want.” 

Crowley closed his mouth again and gave a deferential nod.

“Damn it. This is why I didn’t want to tell you. I didn’t want you to feel obligated.”

There was a moment of silence before Crowley spoke. “I trust you,” he said quietly.

“I want you to decide.”

“I will submit.”

“No, I don’t want you to submit. I want you to _want_ it.”

“I don’t know if I can do that.”

“I know,” Sam said sadly. “That’s why I wanted to wait. I wasn’t avoiding you or trying to push you away, Crowley. I’m just not sure how to handle this with everything that’s happened to you. I don’t want you to do this because _I_ want it. I want it to be your choice.”

“I am not accustomed to making these decisions.”

“I know. Look, just forget about it for now. I just wanted you to know I wasn’t mad at you or trying to push you away.”

“Understood.”

“Crowley?”

“Yes?”

Damn it. If he kept talking he was just going to make this worse. He should quit now before he really put his foot in his mouth. “Nothing. You okay?”

“Yes.”

“You want to come back to my room?”

“I think I’ll stay here tonight.”

“Yeah. You’re welcome to show up later. If you can’t sleep, or…”

“Yeah,” Crowley answered awkwardly.

“Yeah,” Sam echoed back. Right. I should probably leave, Sam realized. “See you.”

“Yes, see you.”

*-*-*-*-*

Something was wrong. He couldn’t tell what just yet but his mind kept insisting that something was wrong. Sam tried to focus past the haze of sleep still fogging his brain. Focus he told himself. Slowly things began to percolate through the haze. The bed shifting slightly under him, a soft light touch on his chest. Fingers his mind informed him. Someone was touching him. God it felt amazing. Whoever it was knew what they were doing. He almost let himself just lay there and enjoy the feeling until he remembered. His eyes shot open as his hand jerked out to grip the arm of the person caressing him.

“Crowley,” Sam growled.

“Shh, baby. Let me take care of you. Let me make this good for you.”

“No.”

“It’s okay, Sam. I’m willing.”

“No.” Sam tightened his grip on Crowley’s wrist as he sat up. Crowley’s expression shifted to confusion.

“You said… You said you wanted me.”

“You forced me to answer. I didn’t tell you that so that you could throw yourself at me.”

“You want this and I’m willing.”

“Not like this, Crowley. I don’t want you to do this because you feel obligated.”

“I find you attractive as well.”

“But you don’t want this.”

“But I’m willing to, and-”

“No. I don’t want you to _fuck_ me because you feel obligated.”

Crowley flinched and Sam cursed himself. He released Crowley’s wrist. “Crowley, this isn’t about sex. I care about you. I’m not going to sleep with you because you think you need to pay me back for… whatever you think you owe me.”

“I do owe you,” Crowley insisted.

“No you don’t. I did what I did because it was the right thing to do. Not because I expected anything in return.”

“That’s why I need to do this. I have to repay you for-”

“No!” Sam took a deep breath and ran his hand through his hair. “You _don’t_ owe me. I would have done the same for anyone else.”

Crowley’s face fell. _Fuck,_ Sam thought. Leave it to him to say exactly the wrong thing.

“I didn’t mean it like that. I do care about you. That’s exactly why I won’t use you like _he_ did. Don’t you understand that?”

“No,” Crowley whispered.

“Do you really think he cared about you when he was using you?”

“That’s why I’m willing to-”

“Goddammit Crowley. That’s what I’m talking about. You’re willing but you don’t _want_ it.”

Silence filled the room.

“I didn’t ‘want’ it with him either,” Crowley finally whispered.

“I know,” Sam sighed. “That’s what I’m saying though,” he said softly. “If we ever do that I want it to be because you wanted it.”

“I could… pretend maybe.”

Sam groaned and threw his head back against his pillow.

“It’s all I have left to give you,” Crowley said brokenly.

“No,” Sam whispered. “It’s not all you have. There’s so much more to you than… than that. I wish you could see yourself through my eyes."

“Sam?”

“Yeah?”

“Are you mad at me now?”

Sam sighed again. “No I’m not mad.” Shifting he rolled onto his side and lifted his arm. “Snuggle?”

“If you want,” Crowley whispered.

Sam dropped his arm. “Do you not want to?”

“I don’t want you to do something you don’t want. If you don’t want to snuggle now…”

“I _want_ to snuggle. Get your butt over here.”

The shy smile on Crowley’s face was beautiful. Did he want to sleep with Crowley? Of fucking course he did. Would he take advantage of him because the demon felt obligated to fuck him? Nope, definitely not. When it happened… _If_ it happened, it would be because Crowley wanted it, not one second before.

“Sam?”

“Yeah, baby?”

“I don’t understand.”

“You’re worth waiting for baby. No matter how long it takes, I’ll wait.”

“Thank you.”

“Sleep, Crowley.”

“Yes, Sam.”


	11. Chapter 11

Sam snuggled into the warmth. He didn’t remember ever feeling so comfortable in bed as the times he woke up next to Crowley. There were parts of Crowley he loved that he would never have seen if Lucifer hadn’t broken Crowley. Still he desperately wished Crowley hadn’t had to suffer through everything Lucifer had done to him, even if it meant not seeing the parts of Crowley he had come to love. 

“Sam?”

“Mmm,” Sam hummed as he opened his eyes.

The second Sam’s eyes opened Crowley leaned in and kissed him softly. Freezing Sam stared at Crowley in shock. Crowley drew back and eyed him nervously. Sam blinked several times trying to understand what just happened.

“I’m sorry,” Crowley muttered. Ducking his head Crowley curled up and hid himself against Sam’s chest. “I wanted to and you said. You said if… I’m sorry.” 

“Hey, it’s alright. I’m not upset, I was just surprised.” Sam wrapped his arms around Crowley and rubbed his back. “It’s fine Crowley.”

“Really,” Crowley replied sounding distrustful. 

“Yes, really. I was just surprised, that’s all.”

“So… Not mad?”

“No, baby. I’m just happy you felt comfortable enough to do that.”

“I wasn’t comfortable actually,” Crowley mumbled against Sam’s chest. “I just decided it was worth whatever would happen.”

“I promise you nothing bad will happen to you if you ever do that again.”

“Then, can I… Can I do it again?”

Sam laughed. “Yeah, baby. We can kiss again.”

*-*-*-*-*

By the time Crowley actually kissed Sam in front of Dean neither Crowley nor Sam had thought twice about the kiss. Dean on the other hand was, unsurprisingly, taken aback. When Sam turned and noticed Dean’s expression he realized he should have said something before now. What the hell was he supposed to have said? _‘Hey Dean, Crowley and I kiss sometimes but that’s as far as it goes. Don’t be surprised if it happens in front of you.’_ Yeah that would have gone over well.

“Did you two just…”

“Yeah,” Sam replied. “I know I should have said something but-”

“Sam can I talk to you?”

“Why?”

“Just come on.” 

Sam followed as Dean led them out of the library and into the kitchen. 

“What the hell Sam?”

“What?”

“How far does this go between you two?”

“Why is that any of your business?”

“You’re the one that was the biggest advocate for helping fix the damage Lucifer did to him and you want to know _why_ I want to know how far this goes?”

“It’s not like that, Dean.”

“Really? Cause last time I checked he was willing to do anything you wanted.”

“You really think I’m forcing him into something?”

“I don’t know what to think. I do know there’s no way he’s ready for a relationship.”

“It isn’t a relationship. Sometimes he kisses me. That’s it.”

“And you don’t kiss back?”

“Of course I do. It’s just that I never instigate it. Look, a few weeks ago he kissed me. I didn’t instigate anything or ask for it. He did it on his own. In his words, ‘it was worth whatever would happen.’. Since then that’s all we do, kiss. It hasn’t gone farther than that because I won’t let it. If anyone knows he’s not ready for that it’s me.”

“So all you do is kiss?”

“Yes, and only when _he_ instigates it.” Sam felt a smile tugging at his lips. “You’re worried about me taking advantage of him?”

“After everything he’s been through? Of course I’m worried about him.”

“Thanks for looking out for him, Dean.”

“Whatever.”

“We better get back before Crowley starts worrying that he did something wrong.”

“Yeah. Sam?”

“Yeah?”

“Just… take it slow with him. Even if he pushes for more he’s not ready for it.”

“I know. He already offered and I turned him down.”

“Good.”

*-*-*-*-*

Stupid, stupid, stupid. If any one of them should have been expecting something like this it should have been him. He knew Lucifer would never just let him go. He should have been prepared for this. Staring over Sam’s shoulder Crowley wished there was something he could do to help. The cuts weren’t bad but they were deep and they had to be painful. Crowley glanced back to words again. 

_HE’S MINE_ , had been carved into Dean’s back. There was no mistaking the meaning behind those words. Lucifer was pissed and would stop at nothing to get him back. Lucifer had always been very possessive. Even though others had been allowed to use him there were certain things Lucifer wouldn’t allow others to do to Crowley. Anything more than normal sex or beatings was forbidden. Breaking bones, branding, carving into flesh, kissing, et cetera were all reserved for Lucifer only. Hell help the demon that broke the rules. It’s my fault, Crowley thought. If I hadn’t defied my Master… If I had tried to return… 

_HE’S MINE._

Yes, the message was clear. Lucifer was pissed and coming for them. Crowley realized he had to do something or the brothers would never be safe. If anything happened to either one of them Crowley would never forgive himself. When he realized what he had to do he instantly felt sick. Turning he rushed out of the room and down the hall towards the bathroom.

*-*-*-*-*

Crowley was still sitting on the floor leaning against the wall when someone knocked on the bathroom door. Slowly he stood up and rubbed his hands over his face. The person knocked again. If he didn’t answer soon they’d probably open the door. Walking across the bathroom he made his way to the door and took a deep breath. Finally he opened the door and found himself face to face with Dean.

“Hey,” Crowley said, trying to sound upbeat.

“No. Whatever you’re thinking the answer is no.”

“I… I’m not sure I know what you mean.”

“No this wasn’t your fault, no you couldn’t have prevented this, no you’re not sacrificing yourself because of this. No we’re not letting you go back to him. Just no.”

Crowley dropped his eyes to the ground. “It was my fault, though.”

“No it wasn’t. You don’t get to take responsibility for something you didn’t do. You stop that train of thought right there.”

“I can’t,” Crowley said miserably. “If you two weren’t trying to help me this wouldn’t have happened.”

“No, if Lucifer wasn’t a dick this wouldn’t have happened. Don’t you dare take responsibility for _his_ actions.”

“I’m sorry you got hurt because of me.”

“Not. Your. Fault,” Dean growled.

“I can still feel sorry you were injured,” Crowley whispered.

“Yes, but don’t dwell on it or take the blame. It wasn’t your fault.”

Unable to answer Crowley nodded.

“Say it,” Dean demanded.

Crowley looked up and stared at Dean questioningly.

“Say it wasn’t your fault.”

“I’m not sure if I can.”

“Say it,” Dean repeated.

“Not…” Crowley sighed heavily and dropped his eyes again. “Not my fault,” Crowley whispered. “I think I would like to go to my room now.”

“I don’t know. You sure you’re going to be okay alone?”

“Yes. I just need some time to process this. I’ll make it down for dinner later.”

“Okay,” Dean replied, sounding anything _but_ okay with the idea.

When Dean left Crowley made his way to his room. He stopped in his tracks when he opened the door and spotted Sam sitting on the bed. Sam gave him a sad smile and Crowley closed the door.

“Hey,” Crowley said quietly.

“Hey.”

“Dean already gave me the official talk.”

Sam quirked an eyebrow.

“About how it’s not my fault,” Crowley clarified.

“Ah. And you didn’t buy it for one second did you?”

“I can’t help it,” Crowley said flopping down onto the bed. Rolling over he put his head into Sam’s lap. “Lucifer’s angry because I’m gone. If I was there he wouldn’t have attacked Dean.”

“You know better than that. Lucifer was already sending demons after us before we pulled you out of hell.” Reaching over Sam began running his fingers gently through Crowley’s hair. Crowley let himself relax into Sam’s touch. 

“I just wish he hadn’t gotten hurt.”

Sam laughed good naturedly. “I bet he does too.”

“It’s not funny,” Crowley muttered.

“No but Dean’s right. It’s also not your fault.”

“Feels like it,” Crowley grumbled.

Sam merely sighed and continued running his fingers through Crowley’s hair.

*-*-*-*-*

Carefully Crowley carried the stack of books to the kitchen. He paused in the doorway unwilling to take a chance something might happen to the books. Neither Dean nor Sam was in the kitchen, only Castiel. Crowley bit his lower lip. If there was one of them he wasn’t prepared to talk to right now it was the angel.

“You need something,” Castiel asked.

“No… I… I am supposed to talk with Sam or Dean about reading books from the library.”

“I can approve them,” Castiel offered.

Crowley took several steps backward. “Um, yes. But I’m supposed to talk with one of those two. I would feel more comfortable if it were them.”

Castiel stopped walking towards him. “Crowley? What are you really afraid of?”

“I’m just specifically supposed to talk to one of them. Sorry I disturbed you.” Crowley turned and started to leave.

“Stop,” Castiel ordered.

Crowley froze. There was no mistaking the command in that voice. Steeling himself he resisted the urge to start shaking. Castiel wouldn’t hurt him. Castiel was safe, he told himself.

“What books?”

“They… I am supposed to talk with Sam or Dean.”

“You may talk with me.”

Crowley fumbled for words trying to find something to say.

“Crowley, what is it about me that scares you?”

“I’m not scared. I’m…”

Castiel took another step forward and Crowley took a step backward. Damn it, Crowley cursed himself. Castiel crossed his arms and waited. 

“He was an angel,” Crowley said softly.

“Lucifer was a _fallen_ angel Crowley.”

Crowley dropped his eyes to the books in his hands.

“He was still an angel,” Crowley whispered. “Angels have the ability to hurt demons more than any human ever could.”

“But you’re not a demon anymore.”

“Doesn’t matter. You still have the power to hurt me more than Sam or Dean.”

“Do you think I will?”

“No, it’s just… an irrational fear, I suppose.”

“Is there anything I can do to help?”

“No. I keep telling myself you’re safe, you won’t do anything like that.”

“No other angel would.”

Crowley didn’t answer.

“Can I see the books?”

“Yeah.” Crowley held the books out for Castiel to take. As the angel inspected the books Crowley kept his eyes down. No matter how hard he tried it was difficult being alone with Castiel. 

“Defensive spells?”

“I was hoping to find some I might not be familiar with and checking ingredients for others so I could help ward the bunker better.”

“Would you like a research partner?”

“No thank you.”

“The best way to help you see I won’t hurt you like he did is to spend time together.”

“I know you won’t hurt me like he did. It’s just that I’m still not quite comfortable being around an angel. Also, it makes me feel like I should be following his rules,” Crowley finished uncomfortably. 

“You don’t feel my Grace now that you’re not a demon, do you?”

Crowley shook his head.

“Can you work on seeing me as another person, not an angel?”

Crowley nodded. “If that’s all I’d like to get started on my research.”

*-*-*-*-*

Back in the library Crowley placed the books carefully on one of the tables. Books were knowledge, power. He had always respected books. When Lucifer had found out about his betrayal the Archangel had seized Crowley’s personal library. At the time Crowley had grieved for the loss of his books as much as his punishment. Several lifetimes spent acquiring those books and Lucifer had taken them and burned most of them right in front of him. A few Lucifer kept for his personal use. Crowley never saw them again.

Solemnly he ran his fingers over the cover of the book on the top of the stack. Books were forbidden by Lucifer. Crowley had been sure Sam and Dean wouldn’t allow him access to the library. Even when Dean had said he could read books if they approved them Crowley still hadn’t truly believed. Apprehensively Crowley opened the first book. As he began reading he became lost in the book. He had no idea how long he had been reading, cross checking things with the other books he had selected. Suddenly he felt a prickling sensation on the back of his neck. Tensing, he turned. Dean was standing in the doorway watching him.

“Castiel approved the books,” Crowley stated defensively.

“I’ve already talked with Cass. I just came to get you for dinner.”

“Dinner,” Crowley asked. Suddenly his stomach growled.

“You skipped lunch. You’re not skipping dinner.”

“I didn’t realize I had been here that long.”

“You didn’t get to read many books in hell, did you?”

“In hell I was forbidden books. Books are power, my Master would not allow me the chance to find one that might help me end my punishment or lessen the pain.”

“Makes sense. Anything to keep you from being able to protect yourself.”

“Dean,” Crowley began but hesitated.

“Yeah?”

“Would you teach me how to fight. Without any powers I would feel more comfortable knowing how to defend myself.”

“Yeah. We’ll set up something. Maybe one day a week or so?”

“More?”

“We’ll see. Come on, if we don’t get to the kitchen soon Sam’s liable to come looking for us.”

Crowley smiled slightly, stood and followed Dean to the kitchen.


	12. Chapter 12

White filled his vision and there was a quick sensation of movement. When he opened his eyes Crowley stared at the ceiling blinking rapidly. Well that really sucked, Crowley thought. Dean leaned over and stared down at him. 

“You’re still dropping your left arm,” Dean told him.

“Yeah, I kind of figured that much already.”

Dean grinned and put a hand down. Crowley grabbed the hand and let Dean help him to his feet. His lower jaw throbbed. Crowley actually welcomed the pain. It was _nothing_ like the pain he had before but it still served to soothe some part of him. Despite Sam’s constant assurances he still couldn’t help but feel he should be punished for… something. 

“Okay, ready to try this again,” Dean asked.

Crowley stretched and shook his arms before finally raising them. Setting his feet Crowley squared off with Dean and gave a sharp nod. He managed to defend himself against the first blow this time. His success shocked him so much he was caught off guard by the second blow and went down again. Dean leaned over him.

“Focus Crowley. You have to pay attention.”

Practice continued for another hour. Longer than Dean had initially set because Crowley was adamant about learning to protect himself and Sam if necessary. Sam finally called practice over insisting Crowley needed to eat something. The way Sam eyed him as Crowley left to shower before eating told him how much Sam disapproved. 

.

“Do you have to hit him that hard,” Sam asked.

Dean rolled his eyes. “Yes,” he answered. “He’s used to worse Sam. I’m not hurting him that much.”

“You shouldn’t be hurting him at all.”

“He’s always more grounded after practice. Pain is something he’s familiar with, something he knows how to handle. It’s only a few bruises. Hell you had worse when you were learning.”

“I’d really rather not think about that, thanks,” Sam snapped. “It’s just that, after what Lucifer did to him, I don’t like the thought of you hurting him. Why can’t I watch the practices?”

“Because you would make him nervous,” Dean replied quickly. Too quick, damn it.

“That’s not the real reason is it,” Sam asked suspiciously.

Fuck, of course Sam would question it. “It’s enough of a reason Sammy, let it go.”

“No, I want to know what happens. What don’t you want me to see?”

“Nothing, Sam drop it.”

“Tell me or I’m asking Crowley.”

“No,” Dean said slightly too loud. “Fuck. Okay fine. We talk.”

Sam crossed his arms.

“Seriously Sam we just talk.”

“About what?”

“About Lucifer.”

“Why?”

“Because it helps. It gets Crowley to open up about what was done to him and helps put him in the right headspace for training.”

“What do you mean?”

“Protecting himself is secondary in his mind. You’d have to be blind not to see that. What he wants is to protect you. I get him to remember what was done to him. When he remembers I get him thinking about what Lucifer would do to you if his demons caught you. It helps Crowley focus better.”

“You make him remember being tortured?”

“It helps him focus on his goal. It helps remind him of why he’s doing this.”

“It explains why his nightmares are getting worse,” Sam countered.

“What do you want Sam? He does need to be able to defend himself and I would think you’d be the first person to say he needs to talk about things. It’s not like I want him to have nightmares but they’d only be worse if he didn’t talk about things. You know that’s true.”

“I still don’t have to like it.”

“Like it or not you know I’m right.”

“How do you get him to open up? He won’t talk much about his past with me.”

“You’re his comfort. He doesn’t like remembering his past with you. In his mind you’re the person that took him away from that. It’s why you can’t be here when we talk about it. He’s not ready to discuss those things with you. He still needs comforting. He can’t get that if he’s constantly remembering everything bad while he’s with you.”

“Can you tell me about some of it?”

“No.”

“Why?”

“I promised him it wouldn’t go any farther than my ears.”

“Dean,” Sam stated flatly.

“You want me to break my word to him?”

Sam sighed. “No.”

“Alright then. Let’s go, I have to get a shower too before we eat.”

.

Dean headed for the shower and Sam made his way to the kitchen. He was in the middle of cooking when Crowley made his way into the kitchen. For a few seconds the former demon stood in the archway to the kitchen merely watching. After those few seconds Crowley moved to gather plates and silverware. While Sam finished cooking Crowley set the table and stood next to the table waiting. Dean arrived just as Sam was finishing the food.

“Alright let’s eat,” Dean said entering the kitchen.

Everyone sat at the table and Sam reached for Crowley’s plate first. Even after all this time Crowley was uncomfortable fixing his own plate. He would only eat if someone else made the plate and placed it in front of him. Even then he would wait until Sam took a bite before he would start on his own food. Of all the things they were working to rectify this was one that could wait. It was the least of their worries for the time being.

*-*-*-*-*

“Sam,” Crowley asked tentatively. 

“You share more with Dean,” Sam stated flatly.

“No,” Crowley stated.

“You talk about Lucifer with him.”

“I… I share different things. It’s not more or less.”

“Why won’t you talk about him with me?”

The change in Crowley’s face was almost instant. Confusion, terror, resignation. 

“What would you like to know, Sam?”

“How can you do that? How do you say Sam and make it sound like Master?”

“It is the same in my mind. Sam is synonymous with Master to me. I owe you my peace. If it helps you are a Master I want, not one who forces their will on me.”

“I don’t want to be your Master!” Silence. “Crowley?”

Turning Sam found the former demon kneeling and shaking silently.

“Crowley?”

“I will leave,” Crowley whispered. “You should not be forced to keep an unworthy slave.”

“No. That’s not what-”

“May I stay until tomorrow?”

“I forbid you to leave.”

That comment only made Crowley shake harder.

“Crowley?”

“Yes sir.”

“Where are you right now?”

“In your room.”

“Mentally. Where are you mentally?”

“I don’t know what you want but… Kill me?”

“No.”

“I don’t want to lose this,” Crowley whispered. “You’re warm and he was so cold. Tell me what I need to do Master.”

“Do not call me that.”

“I’m sorry, you’re Sam. Please don’t send me away.”

“Can you tell me why you talk to Dean about this and not me?”

“He asks. Please Sam don’t send me away.”

“Hush. Didn’t I promise I would never do that?”

“How do I hush and answer?”

“God baby, I just want you to trust me.”

“I don’t know what to do. Punish me?”

“No.”

“As you wish.”

“Damned right. Tell me about what Lucifer did to you.”

Crowley cringed and Sam felt like he had kicked the proverbial puppy. 

.

“Dean,” Cass asked.

“Hey, when did you get here?”

Cass ignored the question. “I was researching the trials.”

“The trials are over Cass.”

“But the effects aren’t.”

“Okay. Explain.”

“I don’t know. It seems curing a demon creates a bond between the human and the former demon.”

“What kind of bond?”

“That’s the problem. It’s not specific enough for me to know.”

“Damn it.”

“Dean, where is Crowley. I’d like to see if he will let me connect with him.”

“Crowley’s… I don’t know. With Sam?”

“This could be bad. If they bond there’s no way to reverse it.”

“Damn it,” Dean muttered.

.

“Tell me,” Sam ordered.

“He hurt me Mas… Sam.”

“How,” Sam demanded.

“He used me when he wanted.”

“That’s it?”

Crowley whined. He didn’t know what Sam wanted. He would have given anything to appease his Master. “He… hit me,” Crowley said flinching. If Sam hurt him like Lucifer… 

Sam growled and Crowley trembled harder. Was Sam mad at him?

“How?”

Crowley shook harder. “With his hands. With a whip. With anything he could find. Please,” Crowley begged. “I don’t know what you want.”

“The truth, Crowley.”

“He hurt me and you don’t… Please, don’t make me leave?”

“Sam,” Dean yelled bursting into the room.

As he spotted the angel Crowley shook more. “I was good! I didn’t disobey. Please Sam don’t punish me! I’ll do whatever you want!”

“Sam, hallway. Now,” Dean growled.

“No! Leave my Master alone,” Crowley yelled.

“Shut it,” Dean growled.

Sam snarled at Dean. “Do not talk to him.”

“I was afraid of this,” Castiel said quietly.

“I submit,” Crowley announced. “Leave my Master alone!”

“Crowley,” Sam growled.

“Sam! I meant Sam! Leave my Sam alone!”

“Hush,” Sam ordered.

Crowley closed his mouth and dropped his eyes to the ground. 

.

“Sam,” Dean said quietly. “Can I talk to you in the hallway?”

Crowley let out a low whine and Dean tried to pull on calm he didn’t really feel. Whatever bonding had already happened Sam was extremely protective of Crowley. He had to tread carefully here.

“You will not hurt him again,” Sam decreed.

“Understood. Can I talk with you?”

Sam looked slightly confused and Dean was hopeful they weren’t too late.

“I… Yeah,” Sam muttered. Slowly he followed them into the hallway. 

“Dean,” Sam asked questioningly when they were in the hallway.

“You’re bonding with Crowley,” Cass stated. “You feel protective over him because you cured him.”

“I already felt that way.”

“But curing him multiplied it. I’m not sure how it works. To my knowledge this is the first time anyone’s fully cured a demon.”

“No,” Sam stated. “There was the video.” Sam looked to Dean for confirmation.

“That demon wasn’t fully cured. The priest didn’t finish the ritual,” Cass explained.

“Yes he did,” Sam argued.

“No. He didn’t prove his faith by dying like you did. He took the easy way out.”

“What does this have to do with Crowley?”

“You’re bonding with him,” Dean proclaimed.

“Of course I’m bonding with him,” Sam argued. “Someone has to!”

“More than normal, Sam.”

“Crowley needs someone!”

“Does it have to be you?”

“Why not me,” Sam argued.

“You kiss him. You don’t like men that way,” Dean countered.

“Yes I do, I just never told you.”

“What,” Dean asked, thoroughly confused.

“I just never told you because I didn’t think you’d understand, Dean.”

“Wait… What?”

“I like men too. I just didn’t think you’d understand.”

Dean stared at his brother. “And you didn’t tell me?”

“How could I?” 

“How could you not? Did you really think I wouldn’t love you because of that?”

“Dad,” Sam stated simply.

“Dad was a douche, Sammy. You’re my brother, how could I not love you?”

“Really?”

“Damn it Sam. You think I care who you fuck?”

“Dad did.”

“That’s why he was harder on you isn’t it?”

“Yeah,” Sam whispered.

“Damn it Sam, you should have told me.”

“Why,” Sam asked miserably.

“Because you’re my brother. I love you. How could you think for one minute I’d care about who you wanted to sleep with?”

“Dad did.”

“Dad was an asshat. Damn it Sammy.” Dean ran a hand through his hair. “Do you really want to be with Crowley?”

“Yes.”

“I’m good with that. I love you Sammy. I don’t care who you’re sleeping with.”

“Really?”

“Really.”


	13. Chapter 13

“Crowley,” Sam whispered.

“Sir?”

“I’m sorry about earlier. I didn’t mean to push you. Do you really think I’d make you leave?”

“You said you did not want to be my Master.”

“I don’t want you to be anyone’s slave. I want you to be your own person again.”

“I don’t know how.”

“I know baby. I’m sorry for everything.”

“You didn’t do anything Sam.”

“That’s the point. I should have realized something was wrong when we didn’t hear from you again. Maybe we could have helped you sooner.”

“If I had to choose I would go through that again if it meant I get you taking care of me afterward.”

Sam knelt down and wrapped his arms around him. Crowley leaned against his Sam and sighed happily. Gods he loved his Sam. 

“Love you,” Crowley whispered.

Sam tensed and Crowley grew worried that he had said the wrong thing. Maybe Sam was uncomfortable with Crowley feeling that way. Slowly Sam pulled away from him and stared at him. Crowley dropped his eyes and waited for whatever would happen.

“Crowley?”

“I’m sorry Sam.”

“No don’t be sorry. I just didn’t expect you to say that.”

“I won’t say it again.”

“No, that’s not what I meant either. Crowley, when you said that, what did you mean?”

“I meant I love you, Sam,” Crowley said confused.

“How?”

“Because you take care of me.”

“No. What I meant is how do you love me? Like… a family member or…” 

“No, like someone I wish to be with. I don’t expect you to want me back, but-”

“You know I want you, Crowley. I told you that.”

“I know you want to use me.”

“Not use you. We talked about this.”

“It is difficult for me to view sex any other way. When I say I love you I mean I would submit to that because you wanted it even if you weren’t my Master. Even if I had another Master and you asked I would still submit to you. I know you hate the title but it is how I still see you Sam. I don’t view you anything like my old Master. It’s just that you take care of me. I don’t mind doing as you wish. If you ever desire it I would submit to you.”

“I won’t let you submit. You have to want it too Crowley.”

“I don’t know if I am able to anymore.”

“It’s okay baby. Even if you’re never ready for it I won’t ever push you.”

“That is why I love you Sam. I can trust you won’t change your mind and hurt me.”

“Never baby.”

“May I kiss you?”

“Of course baby.”

*-*-*-*-*

Crowley threw himself into training. He would need to be able to defend himself if he ever got a chance to put his plan into action. Without any powers he was already at a massive disadvantage. He needed all the help he could get. The fact that he received pain without being punished was also nice. He couldn’t explain it to Sam. Sam wouldn’t understand why he felt like he needed to be hurt. Dean understood. Crowley realized at some point Dean understood what he needed and refused to go easy on him. Crowley remained grateful to the older Winchester for his insight. 

When he wasn’t training he was busy researching everything he could to protect the bunker and the brothers. If his plan worked the brothers would finally be safe from Lucifer. Until then Crowley had to work his ass off to be as prepared as possible. When he was as ready as he could be he would have to find a way to put his plan into motion. One thing at a time, he reminded himself. He would worry about that part when he got there.

.

Sam sat in the library trying to focus on the book in front of him. Honestly it was a little too complicated for him to truly understand. He had pulled it from the top of the stack of books Crowley had sitting on the corner of the table. As it turned out the book had to deal with advanced witchcraft. Having never studied witchcraft Sam was hard pressed to understand some of the phrases used. Some of them completely sailed over his head. Sam realized enough to know that the book was specifically concerned with defensive spells.

“Sam?”

Sam’s head shot up at the sound of Crowley’s voice.

“Um, I was just…”

“Inspecting my books for approval?”

“Um. No. I wanted to know what you were researching,” Sam admitted.

“Spells. Castiel approved the books and Dean did order me to try to help ward the bunker better.”

“You really understand this stuff?”

“I am witch born Sam. Most of the stuff in that book is basic knowledge.”

“Basic?”

“Yes.”

“I don’t understand much of it.”

“I can teach you if you like.”

“Really?”

“Some of it should come easy. Some might be more difficult without adequate time.”

“Later?”

Crowley nodded. “As you wish.”

“I want to talk to you about something important.”

Crowley nodded again.

“You know I won’t push you, right?”

“Yes Sam.”

“I’d like to know why you want to be with me and what the difference is between what you want and sex.”

“Sex is something the Master wants and I submit to. I don’t get a choice in sex. The difference between wanting you and sex is I wish your company. Beyond that I don’t have any expectations.”

“You do get a choice in sex with me Crowley.”

“Understood. I never had a choice before, though.”

“Are… Are you even really thinking about it,” Sam asked fidgeting.

“Of course. You asked me to.”

“Is that the only reason?”

Sam’s shoulders slumped as he awaited the answer.

“No. I have been pondering the reasons why I wish to submit to you for a long time. Definitely longer than before you expressed a desire to sleep with me.”

“Really,” Sam asked surprised.

“Yes. I have felt a pull to submit to you before you ever asked. I wished to know why.”

“Wait. You already wanted to be with me?”

“I wanted you to require it, yes.”

“Really?”

“I wondered what you would be like during… that. Yes.”

“Do you realize what you’re saying?”

Crowley was silent and Sam waited on pins and needles.

“Was I saying that I would like you to take me?”

“Were you,” Sam asked breathless.

Crowley took his time thinking about that and Sam struggled to remain still.

“I believe I was.”

“Crowley?”

“Yes?”

“Would you like that? I mean it’s all your choice. Do not factor in what I want.”

Crowley was silent. Sam held his breath. Did his demon really want him?

“Yes?”

“No. I’m not going to do anything if you’re still questioning it.”

“I’m sorry. I’m not sure how it feels to want it. I think I do.”

“We can wait.”

“I am not sure I wish to.”

“Really?”

“I don’t know. I don’t understand these feelings.”

Sam shifted uncomfortably in his seat. “We can wait.”

“No.”

“No?”

“I think I would prefer not to wait. Please?”

“Crowley, think about this. I’m perfectly fine with waiting.”

“I do not believe I am. I think I wish you to take me.”

“Maybe we should give it another day or two.”

“You wish this, I cannot stop thinking about it. Why would we wait longer?”

“To be sure it’s what you want, Crowley.”

“I believe I want this.”

“If…” Sam paused and licked his lips. “If we do this you know you can say stop?”

“No. I mean if you wish it I can try?”

“Yes,” Sam breathed. “Yes definitely. Say stop if you wish. Any time. I… I order you to say stop when you wish.”

“Sir?”

“Yes?”

“Are you alright?”

“God. No, do you know how much I want this? Fuck! I shouldn’t have said that.”

“It’s okay Sam. I think I want this too.”

“Really want this?”

“Yes. I… I think about it.” Crowley dropped his head.

“You think about me taking you?”

“Yes,” Crowley whispered. “Sometimes…” 

“Sometimes what?”

“Sometimes I touch myself. I’ve never finished. I wouldn’t do that without permission but I have touched it.”

“God Crowley! Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I thought you would be mad that I touched it without permission.” 

“No, baby, no. Gods I’ve wanted this for so long. I still order you to say stop. Do you understand that?”

“No. Stop when?”

“When you stop wanting it. The very second.”

“I do not believe I will stop wishing it.”

“God. Crowley if you’re not ready tell me. Please!”

“You do not wish to take me?”

“Damn it! I wish to take you too much! I’m fucking trying to let it be your choice!”

“My choice,” Crowley asked quietly.

“Yes!”

Fuck he had to control his voice.

“Then I choose for you to take me. I fully recognize you have ordered me to say stop when I am uncomfortable or confused. I recognize I may say it at any time. I recognize you wish me to wait. I would still ask you to take me.”

Sam moved before his brain finished processing that. Nearing Crowley he scooped up the former demon in his arms and carried him out of the library. As he approached the stairs he stopped. Looking down he drunk in the look in his demon’s face. Yes, Crowley was his. Whether they ever slept together or not Crowley would be his.

“Tell me you want this.”

“I want this,” Crowley stated without hesitation.

Sam continued up the stairs and down the hall to his room. Arriving at his door he came to an impasse. He would have to let go of Crowley to open the door.

“May I,” Crowley asked.

“Yes,” Sam growled.

Crowley reached out and opened the door for Sam.

Sam hesitated. “Crowley. You need to say no if you don’t want this.”

“Sam?”

“Yes?”

“I want this.”

Sam’s legs threatened to collapse under him. “Promise me?”

“Yes,” Crowley breathed.

Entering his room Sam approached his bed. Carefully, reverently, he laid his demon down on the bed. In spite of everything Crowley would always be his demon. Sam’s hand reached up to touch Crowley’s cheek.

“Please,” Sam whispered.

“Take me,” Crowley ordered.

Sam needed no further encouragement.

Carefully he reached for the button on Crowley’s pants. Unbuttoning the jeans he slowly lowered the zipper. He had to stop when his hands started shaking.

“Sam?”

Sam looked up to Crowley’s face.

“I want this.”

Sam let out a soft whine.

“Really want this,” Crowley assured him.

“You will say stop?”

“If I am uncomfortable or confused, yes.”

“Swear it?”

“Yes.”

Sam returned his attention to Crowley’s clothing. As far as he was concerned the demon had too many clothes on for his tastes. Slowly he worked the pants off of Crowley’s hips and lowered them. Underwear. He should have expected it but it still made his breath catch in his throat. So close and yet denied. 

“Crowley?”

“Yes?”

“Can you remove your shirt? I think… I think I’m a little to wound up.”

“Let me undress for you. Please?”

“Yes,” Sam whispered.

God help him he had no clue how Crowley could make him want him more but the way the former demon moved when removing his clothes… Fuck! Sam shifted trying to relieve the pressure building in his dick. Crowley flung the shirt across the room and Sam stared, mesmerized. Not since he had accidentally walked in on Crowley exiting the shower had he seen his demon naked. A whine escaped his lips.

“Please,” Sam begged.

Crowley shuffled out of his pants and underwear until they pooled around his ankles.

“Take what you wish. Please?”

“God, Crowley. Please, if you don’t want this…”

“I wish this. Take me? Please?”

Sam moved until his head was level with Crowley’s groin. Leaning down he took Crowley’s dick into his mouth. The demon shuddered underneath him. Sam waited until he was sure it was from pleasure before continuing. Running his tongue around his demon’s penis Sam moaned. God he had wanted this for so long. He hadn’t dared to let himself dream this might actually happen.

“Gods yes,” Crowley whispered. “Please? More?”

Sam sucked more of Crowley into his mouth. Anything to appease his demon. Crowley bucked against him and Sam savored the feeling. His demon wanted this and it was him making his demon feel this way. He swirled his tongue around Crowley’s cock once more. The former demon moaned in lust and Sam hummed in pleasure. God he needed to make this good for his demon.

He put all of his effort into sucking Crowley’s cock.

“Sam,” Crowley whined.

Sam paused, worried Crowley was about to say stop. 

“More. Gods yes, please! More!”

“Crowley?”

“More! Please! Don’t stop!”

Without a second thought Sam bent back to his demon’s cock and sucked. Crowley wanted more and he would give his demon anything he wanted. Crowley meant that much to him. Sam sucked Crowley as hard as he dared before retreating. 

“Baby?”

“Gods, please! Don’t stop!”

“I don’t trust myself to suck on you more. I’d like to prepare myself for you if you’re ready.”

“I don’t understand.”

“Shh. Just relax and let me know if you’re uncomfortable baby.”

Sam retrieved the lube from his night table and quickly spread it on his fingers. After everything he would let Crowley fuck him first. After that they could decide what was what. For now Sam had to let Crowley have the upper hand if he intended to go through with this. Sam reached back and put two fingers into himself. God it felt good. He hadn’t so much as touched himself since Crowley had arrived.

“Uhnnn, yes. God Crowley. Feels so good. Please? More?”

“Yes,” Crowley whispered. “More. Please?”

“As you wish baby.”

Sam inserted a third finger into himself. It was almost too much too soon but it felt so good. Besides, his demon was watching him. Sam would not let his demon down. His demon wanted him. That was more than enough to make him ready.

“God, Crowley. Please. I need you.”

“Stop!”

Sam let out a loud whine. Keeping his head down he waited.

“Sam?”

“God Crowley I can’t. I’m sorry but it’s too much. I can leave but I have to finish.”

“No I didn’t mean don’t finish. I’m just confused.”

“Fucking tell me how! Please!”

“You’re not hurting me.”

Sam groaned. “God damn it! I’m so close and you don’t understand why I’m not hurting you? Fuck!”

Desperately he tried to pull himself back from the edge.

“Never mind.”

“No!” Sam moved and rolled onto his back. Fuck! “Crowley… I have to leave.”

“Why?”

Sam groaned. “I can’t stay. I have to get off.”

“I didn’t say you couldn’t. You said ask questions.”

“I can’t be polite right now. I need to get off.”

“Why are you not hurting me?”

“Why the fuck would I?”

“Everyone else has?”

“God damn it! I have to leave Crowley. I can’t do this.”

“Was it me?”

“Fuck! No but I have to get off baby. Please. You’re not ready and I need to get off.”

“Can I watch?”

“God! Fuck! I don’t care. Do you want to?”

“Yes.”

“Order it!”

“What?”

“Order it! Please!”

“Get off,” Crowley replied shakily. 

It was all it took. Sam stroked himself til he came. Crowley’s name was on his lips as Sam finally reached completion. He couldn’t help himself. He had wanted Crowley for so long it was ridiculous. Sam came crying out Crowley’s name. He stroked himself through the shakes until he was completely finished. 

“God baby, I love you.”

“That was for me?”

“Anything you want. Jesus, baby. Felt so good.”

“Sam?”

“Please? I need you!”

“You may use me.” 

“No. I want you inside me. Please! I need it!”

“I…” 

“God baby, please!”

“I don’t know if I can.”

“Suck me! Anything!”

Sam almost broke down completely. He needed something. If Crowley couldn’t do something he would pass out. God he needed to feel his demon! Warm, soft lips curled around his cock and Sam nearly blacked out. “Uhhnngh… yes! More!”

The lips sucked harder and Sam bucked. Fuck he should be thinking about Crowley!

“Come for me,” Crowley commanded. 

God fucking help him Sam came. Anything his demon wanted. His hips were still bucking as he tried to center himself. “Fuck! Sorry! Tried! Needed you! Fuck!”

“Shh. I love you.”

Those three simple words caused him to come again. How long had he wanted to hear those words? There was no mistaking the sincerity in Crowley’s voice. There was also no way to stop his dick from responding.

“Fuck!”

“Sir?”

“Unnggh,” Sam moaned undignified. “Sorry! Tried!” Sam shuddered in pleasure.

“Sam?”

“No! Feels good! Can’t!” Sam moaned again.

“I’m sorry.”

“No! God baby! Feels so good!”

Sam came again. His hips shook with the force of his orgasm trying to come for his demon. Three was all he had. There was nothing left.

.

“Ungh. Hurts! Please!”

“Shh, love. Tell me what you need.”

“You. Fuck me!”

“I can’t.”

“Please!”

"Sam?”

“Fuck me! Please!”

“Yes sir.”

Completely unaccustomed to fucking anyone Crowley pulled on as much knowledge as he could. All he had to draw from was himself being fucked. He checked to see if Sam was stretched enough. 

“God, please! Don’t tease! Fuck me!”

“I don’t know how,” Crowley protested.

“I don’t care! Just fuck me,” Sam demanded.

Lucifer have mercy on him he broke. He had to do what Sam asked. He couldn’t stand to see his Sam begging. 

“I’m so sorry,” Crowley whispered as he lined up with his Master.

As he penetrated Sam he groaned in pleasure. Never had he felt anything so good.


	14. Chapter 14

Sam awoke to something close to bliss. God something definitely felt good. Slowly his brain started processing things. His hips bucked and his mind temporarily skitzed. Gripping the covers Sam moaned. “Crowley,” Sam gasped. “God, please tell me that’s you.”

Whoever it was patted his left leg. 

“Is that a yes,” Sam asked breathless.

The pat again.

“Too close,” Sam moaned. “God Crowley… can't…”

His words trailed off seconds before the orgasm hit. He tried to pull out so he didn’t choke Crowley but the former demon wouldn’t let him. God help him, after those first few seconds he couldn’t care. Reaching down he fumbled his hands over the top of the blanket until he felt Crowley’s head underneath and gripped it tightly. Holding Crowley’s head in place Sam’s mind blanked as he came.

Breathing heavily parts of Sam’s mind began to come back online. He needed to check on Crowley he realized. “Crowley,” Sam panted.

There was a soft suck on his dick and Sam struggled to keep his hips still. Grabbing the covers he pulled them aside. Crowley lay between his Sam’s legs with Sam’s cock still in his mouth. Sam reached down and wiggled his fingers. When Crowley reached up and took his hand Sam tugged slightly. Finally letting his mouth slide off of Sam Crowley moved up the bed until he was laying face to face with Sam.

“You okay,” Sam asked.

Crowley grinned and ducked his head. Sheepishly he looked back up to Sam. “Yeah.”

“Fuck Crowley, that was amazing.”

Grinning again Crowley ducked his head and hid his face against Sam’s chest. Sam opened his mouth to ask Crowley where he’d learned to do that before he realized better. He _knew_ where Crowley would have learned something like that. There was no way he would ruin this moment by asking something that stupid. Carefully he wrapped his arms around Crowley and held him. 

“I know I should have asked first but…”

“God no! If you ever want to do something like that just tell me. You’re definitely welcome to wake me up like that anytime.”

Releasing Crowley Sam gave his shoulder a couple of pats. Crowley looked up at him questioningly. “Can you move a little?”

“How would you like me?”

“On your back please.”

“Yes, sir.”

Shaking his head Sam realized Crowley probably thought Sam was fixing to take advantage of him. Nope, not happening. Sam straddled Crowley’s hips and leaned down to suck on his left nipple. A small whimper escaped Crowley’s lips and Sam glanced up with his eyes, worried. “Crowley?”

Crowley shook his head. “Didn’t move,” Crowley whispered.

“If you wish to move you may, okay?”

“Please? More?”

Sam stuck out his tongue and slowly dragged it over the nipple in front of him drawing another whimper from Crowley.

“Gods,” Crowley whispered. “So good.”

Reassured, Sam bent back to his task of making Crowley feel good. He sucked and tongued Crowley’s nipples until Crowley couldn’t stay still and jumped every time they were touched. Moving lower he ran his fingers down Crowley’s chest and ribs watching Crowley’s reaction. He needed to know if there were places Crowley didn’t like to be touched as well as all the places he did like to be touched. When he got to the floating ribs Crowley tensed and jerked slightly. The area was surprisingly scar free compared to the rest of Crowley. Sam noted it but moved past the area.

Instead of heading where he wanted he moved to Crowley’s hips. In many ways this was like Crowley’s first time. Sam was determined to make this good for him. The inside of Crowley’s thighs were suspiciously scar free. Sam decided to test a theory. Slowly he ran one finger down the inside of the left thigh. Crowley’s body jumped and began to tremble softly. 

“Shh,” Sam whispered. “No one’s going to hurt you here.”

Sam moved on and inspected the rest of Crowley’s body. Sometimes he would run his fingers over parts of it, sometimes he would run his tongue over various places. Surprisingly the places with the least evidence of injuries were the parts that scared Crowley the most. Sam realized a lot of these places were on the more vulnerable or soft areas. Exactly the places someone would specifically pick to hurt someone. The fact that these places were scar-free concerned Sam. He shoved that line of thought away as he continued acquainting himself with Crowley’s body. He would ask about those areas later.

When he was finished with the front down to the bottoms of Crowley’s feet Sam had him turn onto his stomach. If he hadn’t already seen Crowley’s back Sam would have stopped and comforted the former demon. The back was a mix of various types of scars from cuts and burns to who knew what running in different directions. Sam took the time to kiss or lick across each scar. Crowley shivered at times and Sam wondered what was going through the former demon’s mind. 

“So beautiful,” Sam whispered.

A sad whine escaped Crowley.

“Shh, baby. You’re perfect to me.”

Taking his time Sam worked his way over every inch of his baby’s body. His heart ached for the things Crowley had to suffer through. When he finished familiarizing himself with every part of Crowley’s backside he had Crowley turn back over. Slowly he made his way down Crowley’s body until he was positioned between Crowley’s legs.

“Baby?”

“Sam,” Crowley whispered.

Was he imagining the love he heard in Crowley’s voice? He hoped not. 

“You can still say stop anytime you want.”

“Don’t want,” Crowley whispered.

“Not yet, but if you do want me to stop I will. I’ll stop and I won’t be mad at all, okay?”

“Yes, but… not yet?”

“No, baby. Not if you don’t want.”

“Want more.”

“As you wish, baby.”

Leaning forward Sam wrapped his lips over Crowley’s dick and sank down until he had all of it in his mouth. It was more than he was used to but he held himself there for a while before pulling back. The moan that spilled from his baby’s mouth was one of the most wonderful things he had ever heard. Sam pulled out every trick he knew. Crowley writhed below him and Sam was extremely proud of himself. 

“Sam,” Crowley moaned.

Sam paused.

“Can’t stay still. Sorry… So sorry.”

“Move as much as you need, baby. Tell me when you get close, but move as much as you need.”

“Gods, feels so good. More?”

Instead of answering Sam went back to sucking his baby. After everything Crowley had been through he was going to make sure this was good for him. Crowley got close quickly and often. Sam backed off every time determined to draw this out. 

“Please! Stop! Can’t!”

“Baby?”

“Can’t,” Crowley sobbed. “I can’t take anymore.”

“Shh, baby. Relax, I’ve got you.”

Sam bent down and sucked on Crowley’s dick pulling on everything he knew to help someone get off as quickly as possible. Crowley moaned and bucked underneath him.

“No! I can’t!”

Sam ignored this and continued working.

“Please! Let me, sir. Please! I can’t take it anymore!”

“Come for me, baby.”

When Crowley came he jerked sharply shoving his dick further down Sam’s throat. Sam fought not to gag and help his baby through his orgasm. Crowley shouted various unintelligible sounds. Vaguely Sam thought he heard the door open but couldn’t be bothered to pay it any mind. His attention was solely for Crowley right now. His baby continued to buck underneath him as he came. Sam tried to swallow but couldn’t keep up with it all. When it was over Crowley lay shaking on the bed. 

“Baby,” Sam asked cautiously. 

“I’m sorry sir, I’m so sorry.”

“No baby. I wanted you to get off. I wanted you to come.”

Much to Sam’s surprise Crowley burst into tears.

“Baby?”

“I… I don’t know. Love you,” Crowley sobbed. 

Okay, so maybe he should have expected this. Why would Lucifer or anyone else who had hurt his baby have cared if Crowley had gotten off?

“That was your first in a long time, wasn’t it?”

“I’m sorry,” Crowley mumbled through the tears.

Sam moved to lay by his baby and held him. “No, baby. I _wanted_ you to get off. I _wanted_ you to come. Don’t be sorry. You did perfect for me.”

“Love you Sam.”

“I love you too baby.”

Sam rocked Crowley until he finally calmed.

“Sir?”

“No baby. Don’t call me sir.”

“Love?”

Sam smiled. “Yes. You can call me that.”

“I don’t understand,” Crowley broke off and fidgeted.

“What don’t you get baby?”

“I don’t know. I’m not used to people not hurting me. Why don’t you hurt me?”

Sam opened his mouth but shut it promptly. It was a very relevant question to Crowley.

“I don’t hurt you because I care about you,” Sam finally answered.

“That. I don’t understand that.”

Sam tightened his grip on Crowley. “I know baby. I’m so sorry people hurt you. I will never hurt you like that, baby.”

“Why?”

“Because it’s not just sex with me, baby. I love you.”

“I am not worthy of your love.”

“Hush. You are if I say you are.”

“Yes sir.”

“What did I say about that?”

“Yes, love.”

“Much better. I love the way that sounds in your voice,” Sam murmured. “Crowley?”

“Yes?”

“I want to kiss you.”

“Yes.”

Sam leaned down and took possession of Crowley’s mouth. God he wanted his demon to have a choice in the matter but he couldn’t help himself. Crowley got to him in ways no one else ever did. He would do anything if it made Crowley happy.

“I love you,” Crowley whispered.

Sam nuzzled Crowley’s jaw. “I love you more.”

*-*-*-*-*

Dean punched him and Sam reeled. 

“You know he’s not ready for a relationship,” Dean shouted.

“I don’t care! He’s mine and you can’t have him,” Sam shouted back.

“You really think I’m going to try to take him from you?”

Castiel laid a hand on Dean’s arm. “Let it go,” he whispered in Dean’s ear.

“No. Sammy doesn’t understand-”

“Trust me. He understands more than you realize.”

“Really?”

“Yes.”

“Crowley?”

“Sam will take care of him.”

“Promise,” Dean asked skeptically.

Sam punched his brother. “He’s mine!”

Dean staggered backward. God dammit Sammy could hit.

“You won’t ever touch him!” 

“I want what’s best for him. I would think you’d want that too,” Dean argued.

“I…”

“I don’t want him like you do Sammy. Okay?”

“Mine,” Sam argued.

“Yes,” Dean consented. “All yours.”

“If you touch him…” 

“Never without your permission,” Dean assured his brother. 

“Promise?”

“He’s yours, Sam.”

"I swear, if you touch him…”

“Never.”

“Damned right!”

“Damn it Sam, no one’s going to hurt him.”

“Lucifer already did,” Sam argued.

“And you think we’d do the same thing?”

“Damn it. No but you don’t know how hurt he’s been.”

“I know how hurt you are,” Dean whispered.

Sam paused. 

“Please. Please stop,” Crowley whispered.

Dean barely heard him.

Turning to Crowley Dean inspected the former demon. 

“Please stop,” Crowley repeated. Turning, he fled from the room.

Damn it, Dean thought.

“Fuck,” Sam muttered, following Crowley.

“Cass?”

“Yes?”

“Are they going to be alright?”

“I don’t know. They need each other but I don’t know if they will be alright.”

*-*-*-*-*

“Crowley?”

Soft weeping sounds came from inside the former demon’s bedroom.

Sam didn’t know what to do. It was Crowley’s room. If he didn’t want visitors… 

“Baby? Please let me in?”

The noises stopped.

“Crowley,” Sam called nervously.

The door opened. Crowley stood in front of him, eyes red and splotchy cheeked. 

“I’m sorry,” Sam said immediately.

Crowley wrapped himself around Sam. “I love you,” he mumbled.

“God, Crowley. I love you too. Tell me how to make it better. Anything.”

“Fuck me. Not love, not sex, just fuck me.”

“I can’t baby.”

Pause. “As you wish,” Crowley mumbled.

“God, baby, I don’t want to hurt you.”

“I need it. Please, Sir! You’re the only one I trust!”

“What do you need baby?”

“Use me. Use me like a whore. I need it, please!”

“Shh… It’s alright baby. I’ve got you.”

“Use me! Please! Oh gods… it hurts so much… Please! Please make it stop! I want you, only you!”

“Undress,” Sam commanded.

Crowley removed his clothes and Sam couldn’t help but stare. God Crowley was beautiful to him. “Bed,” Sam ordered.

Crowley climbed into the bed and spread his legs. Sam’s breath caught in his throat and for a moment he forgot how to breath. 

“Use me,” Crowley begged. “Please?”

“I don’t want to hurt you, baby.”

“You won’t. Please? I need it!”

The sight of his demon laying on on his stomach waiting for him made Sam’s dick twitch.

“Please, Master. Fuck me!”

Sam snarled. “What did I say about calling me that?”

“Please Master,” Crowley moaned.

“Stop it,” Sam ordered.

“I need you Master.”

“Stop calling me that!”

“Please. I need you Master.”

Heaven help him he shoved his pants off and climbed on top of Crowley. 

“Lube,” Sam ordered.

Crowley fumbled for the lube in the drawer. He started to hand it backward but stopped himself. “Use me?”

“Goddamn it! Fuck I need to fuck you. I have to leave.”

“No! No don’t!”

Sam growled. “Crowley? Tell me what you want.”

“Make me your whore. No one else's but yours. Gods Sam, fuck me! Hard!”

Heaven fucking help him. He took his demon. Hard.


	15. Chapter 15

By the time Sam came back to himself he didn’t understand what had happened. The one thing he knew was he had a sobbing former demon laying under him. “Crowley?”

Crowley cried harder.

Damn it.

“Baby? Are you alright?”

“No,” Crowley wailed.

“What’s wrong?”

“You won’t call me your whore! Who am I if you don’t want me!?”

“God baby, I want you. You’re mine, that’s who you are. Okay?”

“No! If I’m not good enough for sex then what am I good enough for,” Crowley shouted.

“We didn’t fuck,” Sam asked confused.

“You didn’t get off! I’m sorry I wasn’t good enough.”

Memories trickled in. 

_“Come for me.”_

_“You first, please?”_

_“No!”_

Sam shook his head. What the fuck had happened?

“If I can’t please you that way what good am I?”

_“Please Master! Please come!”_

“Crowley… I just…”

_“Please Master!”_

_“Do not call me that!”_

_“Please!”_

“I can’t do it if you call me your Master. That’s all, baby. I love you. I don’t want to be your Master.”

“Stupid!”

“No,” Sam yelled. “Never call yourself that! God Crowley I love you. Please stop crying.”

Crowley just cried harder. Fuck. What the hell was he supposed to do?

“Crowley, you have to help me here. I don’t know how to fix this.”

“My fault. Not good enough,” Crowley sobbed.

“God no. Crowley you’re perfect. Damn it.” 

Sam wrapped his arms around his demon and nuzzled his neck. “I love you baby. You aren’t stupid, please don’t say that.” 

“I don’t understand! I’ve never had it not hurt!”

“God baby.” Sam started rocking them. “It’s going to take getting used to, that’s all.”

“I don’t know what happened. I just needed to be hurt. I didn’t mean to upset you.”

“I don’t want you hurt baby.”

“I know,” Crowley said miserably. “It’s why I can’t train with you.”

“How can I help?”

“Let me go to Dean,” Crowley whispered.

Jealousy instantly flared. “Why,” Sam growled.

“He can hurt me. Not… not with sex. I couldn’t do that with him. I just need to be punished. Please?”

“Why do you need to be punished?”

“I can’t handle it anymore. I need the pain. Without any pain I just keep waiting to be punished. When it doesn’t happen I get worried I’m not worthy enough. I start thinking you’ll ask me to leave.”

“Never baby.”

“I tried so hard not to need it. You said! You said ask for what I need! I need this!”

“I can’t hurt you like that baby.”

“I know! Let me go to Dean, he knows!”

Sam felt tears sliding down his own cheeks. Fuck, his baby was hurting and he couldn’t help him. “Promise me something.”

“Anything.”

“Just the bare minimum. The least amount to make you feel better?”

“Promise.”

“And you show me afterwards?”

“Yes.”

“And stop calling me Master? Isn’t that a rule?”

“Rule one,” Crowley whispered. “I’m sorry Sam.”

“No need to be sorry, baby.”

“Sam?”

“Yes?”

“Can you ask Dean to visit. I would rather do this here. When we are done, if it is permissible, I would like to go to your room.”

“Of course baby.”

.

Fuck. Sam was going to kill him. There’s no way Sam would be able to deal with this arrangement. Dean stood outside Crowley’s door trying to find a way to make sure this didn’t backfire on them. Yes, he understood what Crowley needed. Yes, he could force himself to do it on occasion. No, Sam was never going to understand it. If he didn’t give Crowley enough it wouldn’t help the ex-demon. If he gave too much Sam would definitely kill him. Reaching up Dean opened the door without knocking and strode into the room. Crowley sat on his knees with his head down. He looked so much like the victim he truly was that Dean had to take a moment to push those thoughts away. Crowley needed this and Sam needed for Crowley to be okay. He _had_ to do this.

“I broke the rules,” Crowley whispered.

“Which rules?”

“I called Sam Master. I did not ask for what I needed. Speak, do not wait for permission,” Crowley finished quietly.

“You know when you do that you’re hurting Sam?”

Crowley whimpered.

“Stop that! Save your tears for someone who cares. I asked you a question.”

“Yes, sir.”

“And you still do it?”

“I tried so hard not to. I didn’t want to hurt him. I got scared, sir.”

The genuine pain in Crowley’s voice threatened to break through the carefully constructed armor Dean wore. Damn it. He couldn’t let himself feel sorry for Crowley. Emotions had no place in this. He needed to do what had to be done before he lost the ability. “Stomach, now. Arms spread,” Dean ordered.

*-*-*-*-*

Sam’s head shot up at a light knock on his door. Rushing to the door he opened and found Crowley, head down, staring at the floor. Sam reached out and drew his baby to his chest and slammed the door shut. Crowley jumped at the noise.

“Shh, baby. Sorry. I didn’t mean to startle you.”

“Sorry,” Crowley muttered.

“No baby, it’s my fault. I’m sorry. Are you okay?”

“Are you…”

“No baby I’m not mad at you. Okay?”

“Promise?”

“Promise, baby.”

“I’m alright then,” Crowley whispered wrapping his arms around Sam.

“Come on, let’s lay down.”

“Sex?”

“No baby, I just want to hold you.”

Crowley nodded.

Sam let Crowley lay down first and then joined him. He wrapped Crowley in his arms and rocked them. He would give anything if he knew how to fix this. Crowley was just so damaged it was sometimes hard to believe he could ever recover. 

“I love you,” Crowley whispered.

“I love you too baby. I’m sorry you were ever hurt.”

Crowley tilted his head to look up into Sam’s face. “If I wasn’t would you love me?”

“I’m not going to play what if, baby. I love you and that’s all that matters.”

“If I get better, you might not love me,” Crowley mumbled.

“I _want_ you to get better and I will _always_ love you.”

“Sam?”

“Yeah baby?”

“Can I still call you love sometimes?”

“Anytime you want. Baby?”

“Yes?”

“Can I see?”

“You won’t like it.”

“You promised baby.”

“Yes sir.”

Sam pressed his lips together and let the ‘sir’ pass. The more upset Crowley got the further he reverted. At least Crowley wasn’t calling him Master any longer. Sitting up Crowley reached for the hem of his shirt and hesitated. 

“Sam?”

“Yeah baby?”

“I needed this, okay?”

“Okay, baby.”

“I begged for more.”

“It’s all okay, baby.”

“Don’t-. I mean, try not to be mad at Dean? Please?”

“I love you baby. Everything will be all right.”

Carefully Crowley lifted his shirt. Thin red welts covered Crowley’s chest. Crowley had a difficult time getting the shirt over his head so Sam helped him. Tossing the shirt Sam twisted Crowley slightly to get a better look at his back. The back was covered in several thin gauze pads. A few of which had small lines of blood showing through.

“Oh baby,” Sam whispered. 

“I had to beg for it Sam. He stopped earlier and I had to beg him for more. Please don’t be mad at him?”

“God.”

Sam started to touch one of the bandages across Crowley’s back but stopped himself before he could. The last thing he needed to do was touch them. 

“You said the minimum I needed. I needed this.”

Sam stared at the bandages.

“Sam? Say something?”

“I… You let me put my arms over those?”

“It didn’t hurt. I’m sorry sir.”

“No. No, baby. I’m Sam, remember? Jesus baby, I’m sorry.”

“I should have told you sooner.” 

“It’s all right. Everything will be all right baby.” Sam raised his hands. He put one behind Crowley’s neck and the other behind his head. Carefully he pulled Crowley closer. “It’s all going to be all right baby.”

“I tried not to need it,” Crowley mumbled against Sam’s shoulder.

“Shh, baby, shh.”

“I did try not to need it. I knew you’d be mad.”

“Not mad, baby. Don’t ever be afraid to tell me what you need. Okay?”

“Don’t want you mad at Dean,” Crowley said snuggling against Sam.

“Later. We can discuss that later. Right now I really need to hold you.”

With his hands still on Crowley’s neck and against the back of his head Sam began rocking them back and forth. God, how the hell did he fix this? He didn’t know how long he could go on watching Crowley be hurt and not being able to stop it. He would kill the person hurting Crowley if it wasn’t Dean. There had to be another way to help his baby.

*-*-*-*-*

Dean paced back and forth like a caged animal. Actually, that’s exactly how he felt. The parts of him he had had to draw on to hurt Crowley didn’t liked being stopped once he tapped into them. He needed to kill something. Maybe he should check the news. Perhaps there was something he could hunt nearby. 

*-*-*-*-*

Holding Sam’s hand Crowley made his way downstairs for dinner. He wasn’t quite sure how he felt anymore. Yes, he felt better after his time with Dean. Somehow he also felt worse because of how much this hurt Sam. He wasn’t used to feeling bad for being punished. Then again, he wasn’t used to anyone _not_ wanting to hurt him. Everything about this was new. He desperately wanted to find a way to keep Sam happy. They stopped short as they entered the living room and Crowley looked up. Dean was sitting in a chair with a computer in his lap. 

“What’s up,” Sam asked.

“Nothing,” Dean said quickly closing the computer.

“You despise research Dean. If you’re researching something’s up,” Sam insisted.

“Who says I was researching,” Dean shot back.

Sam released Crowley’s hand and folded his arms.

“Okay fine,” Dean huffed. “I was checking to see if there was anything nearby.”

“Why?”

“I need to go on a hunt. I’ve been a little stir crazy lately and I need to kill something.”

“You were going to go on a hunt without me,” Sam asked.

“You have your hands full Sam. Besides I know how to handle myself. If I found something I needed help with I’d ask.”

“You’re not going on a hunt without me,” Sam insisted.

“You have your hands full with… other things,” Dean said cautiously.

Crowley frowned. Sam turned to look at Crowley. Was he really going to let Dean go out alone and possibly get hurt because he couldn’t stand to be away from his Sam?

“I’ll go,” Crowley whispered.

“No,” Sam objected immediately.

“I can take care of myself Sam,” Crowley stated quietly.

“You don’t have your powers anymore. You’re human now.”

“I’m still witch born. I’m not completely defenseless. I could help.”

“No,” Sam insisted.

“Sam, wait,” Dean interjected.

“No. He’s not ready for this.”

“He’s not ready for normal interactions with strangers,” Dean argued. “I think it might be a good idea for him go on a hunt.”

“No.”

“Okay. Why?”

“Because.”

“He knows spells that could help. He’s doing really well in his training. We’ll both be there to protect him. There’s no reason he shouldn’t come with us.”

“What if he gets hurt?”

“ _We_ get hurt all the time Sam.”

“I won’t let him.”

Dean crossed his arms and stared at Sam. Crowley waited nervously. He couldn’t take it if they started fighting again, especially over him. 

“What,” Sam asked angrily.

“You won’t let him?”

“No.”

“So you get to decide what he can and can’t do?”

Sam growled at Dean and Crowley took a step backwards.

“You’re starting to sound like someone else,” Dean told his brother.

“He’s not ready!”

“He’s more ready than you were on your first hunt.”

“Damn it,” Sam muttered. “If anything happens to him…”

“Nothing is going to happen to him. We’ll both be there to protect him.”

“I don’t know.”

“Now you know how I felt when you started hunting,” Dean said quietly.

Sam turned back and eyed Crowley. Holding his breath Crowley waited.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alal: In Assyrian demonology, evil spirits. They are demons of pain, rape and destruction. Alastor A cruel demon, who, according to Johann Weyer, filled the post of chief executioner to the monarch of Hades. The conception of him somewhat resembles that of Nemesis. Zoroaster is said to have called him "The Executioner." He was originally a mortal, the son of Neleus, king of Pylos. He became a (minor) demon when he and his brothers were slain by Heracles. Others confound him with the destroying angel. Evil genies were formerly called Alastors. Plutarch says that Cicero, who bore a grudge against Augustus, conceived the plan of committing suicide on the emperor's hearth, and thus becoming his Alastor. (Tripod / Diction)
> 
> Alal (Chaldean mythology) typically described to be crowned with dark hair, large lustrous eyes and a round doll-like complexion, a sexual demon. (Demon Names and Descriptions)
> 
> In [[Chaldean mythology]] the '''alal''' were demons that came from Hell taking diverse appearances (Wiki)
> 
> Alal was a demon of destruction. (Go To Hell: A Heated History Of The Underworld)
> 
> Alal - Heat, rage, fire, anger. (An Ornament For Jewels)

Carefully Crowley wrapped the hex bag and tied it.

“And that’s it,” Sam asked.

“Well that’s it for making it. I have to chant when I want to use it.”

“Can you teach me the chant?”

“I could, but you would need some training to get it right. It not one of the more basic spells. You have to be able to focus your energy fairly well.”

“Can you teach me that?”

“In time, yes. Sam, I spent decades learning this while I was human. I spent far more time fine tuning it while I was a demon. It’s not the kind of thing that comes overnight. Have patience and I will teach you as much as I can.”

Probably not this specific spell, Crowley thought. Magic always came at a price. The price for this spell was pain. That was both good and bad. He could control the pain so he got the bare minimum of what made him feel better but it was also too close to lying to Sam for his comfort. Crowley rationalized it away by telling himself it would help him need to be punished less therefore it would help keep Sam from being upset.

“I’m worried about you, you know,” Sam said.

“Please don’t. I can do this. Nothing should even get close enough to hurt me.”

“Why do you really want to go?”

Crowley sighed. “A few reasons actually. To prove to you I can handle myself. To prove to me I can handle myself. To be able to watch out for you. To do more than sit here feeling sorry for myself. I have to do something, Sam.”

“Does it have to be this?”

“I think it’s a good place to start.”

“You’ll be careful?”

“I’ve always been careful… love.”

“I love it when you call me that.”

“I love that I _can_ call you that.”

*-*-*-*-*

Sam’s back slammed into the wall as he tried to fend off the ghoul attacking him. Ghouls usually only traveled by themselves or _maybe_ with one other. They never traveled in packs. For that reason he had no cause to expect four of the fuckers. One ghoul was writhing on the ground while Dean held off the other two. He had completely lost track of Crowley and hadn’t seen the former demon since they’d been attacked.

The best way to kill a ghoul was with decapitation. Barring that, excessive head trauma worked fairly well. He had lost his machete early on and was forced to defend himself with a his knife. Both options were a little out of the question for the moment. Suddenly there was a flash of metal swinging towards him. Sam jerked sideways trying to dodge whatever was coming. The blade swished past, just barely missing his neck.

Still squinting Sam cracked an eye slightly. Crowley, breathing heavily, holding the machete and staring down, stood just in front of him. Looking down Sam spied the decapitated body of the ghoul that had been attacking him. Damned if the sight of his baby panting heavily from saving him wasn’t hot. From the other side of the room Sam heard loud crash. He looked up and saw Dean laying on the ground against a wall. Both of the other ghouls were advancing on him. The third ghoul was starting to lift himself up off of the floor.

“No you bloody don’t,” Crowley growled.

Pulling the hex bag from his pocket Crowley gave it a slight squeezed and began chanting. The ghoul fell back to the ground and let out a pained cry. Crowley handed the machete to Sam and jerked his head towards Dean. Sam nodded once to Crowley and left to help his brother. 

.

Crowley watched as Sam kept the two ghouls busy long enough for Dean to regain his footing. The third ghoul lay on the ground between him and the brothers. If he squeezed the hex bag hard enough he could kill the ghoul. Crowley gave some serious thought to that before deciding against it. The pain it would cause him would definitely upset Sam. He continued the chant and held the hex bag just tight enough to incapacitate the ghoul. The pain was beautifully exquisite. He longed to squeeze the hex bag tighter. It had been ages since he had last felt the pain from magic coursing through his veins. 

A hand clamped roughly over his mouth and strong arms encircled him. The arms tightened painfully around him. In shock Crowley accidently dropped the hex bag. The person holding him leaned forward placing their face right next to his left ear.

“You’ve been very bad,” a voice whispered. 

Crowley froze, every ounce of training forgotten. Alal, the last demon to visit him before Sam had rescued him. As the demon drug him backwards Crowley began to shake. Hell. He was going back to hell… sooner than he planned. This couldn’t be happening. Finally, Crowley began to struggle. 

“Stop,” Alal ordered. 

Crowley ignored the demon. He couldn’t let himself be taken back to hell. It was too early. He hadn’t had time to finish fleshing out his plan. Everything would have have been for nothing and he would lose Sam forever. Before he could free himself something struck him on the back of the head and the world went dark.

*-*-*-*-*

Crowley groaned as his eyes fluttered open. His vision was still a bit blurry. Blinking several times he tried to clear his vision. Slowly the world around him came into focus. He suddenly realized he was somewhere else. Alal. Everything came crashing back. Lifting his head Crowley turned and spotted the demon sitting in an armchair behind him. Crowley scooted backwards trying to get away from him. Of all the demons that had tortured him Alal was the one who hurt him the most. 

“Finally awake? Good.”

Alal stood and Crowley pulled his legs up trying to make himself as small as possible. As the demon approached Crowley started to tremble. No other demon took as much pleasure in hurting him as Alal. He was also the demon Lucifer sent him to the most often for training and the one that came to use him the most. Alal stopped several feet away and stared at him. Crowley couldn’t help the tremors running through his body.

Snapping his fingers Alal banished Crowley’s clothing. “Well, well. Looks like your new masters aren’t any happier with you than your previous Master,” Alal sneered eyeing the marks on Crowley’s chest. “You’ve forgotten the rules whore. No clothing. Ever.”

Rules? _Rule three always wear clothing._ Unless in my own room, Crowley amended the rule. Crowley looked down at his naked body. This was not his room. According to the rules he was _supposed_ to be wearing clothes. Sam would be angry. Crowley’s shakes continued but now they were fueled by anger. He hadn’t broken the rules, _Alal_ had broken them. Rage seethed through him. His Master would be angry because of something that was not his fault. A hand gripped his chin and forced his head upward. Crowley’s eyes bore into those of his tormenter. Alal was the reason he was naked outside of his room. The demon turned Crowley’s face left then right.

“You will grow your beard again.”

Crowley said nothing. Instead he eyed the demon’s unbuttoned jacket. With Alal leaning forward to inspect him the jacket had fallen open. A demon blade was tucked into the inner pocket of the jacket. 

“Soon you will return to hell,” Alal continued. “I intend to have some fun with you before you are returned to your Master. You don’t mind, do you?”

Again, Crowley didn’t answer. A hand slapped him hard across his left cheek. Crowley still didn’t respond. 

“So the little bitch grew a backbone did he? We’ll see how long that lasts. Don’t worry, I’ll make sure you’re trained nice and proper again before you return to hell. You’ll be begging for Lucifer by the time I’m done with you.”

Crowley tensed, preparing to make a grab for the blade when Alal released him and backed away. The demon sat back down in the chair and began removing his shoes. With sudden clarity Crowley realized Alal was undressing. If he removed the jacket Crowley wouldn’t have a chance to get to the blade. He had to do something.

“I am not your whore,” Crowley announced calmly.

Alal stopped moving and turned to glower at him. “No one gave you permission to speak, slave.”

“I do not need permission to speak,” Crowley said quoting rule four.

“You seem to have forgotten your place. Kneel,” Alal commanded.

Crowley sat up straighter and stared back defiantly. “No.”

Alal stood and stormed over toward him. Crowley fought not to flinch away from his former trainer. _Show no weakness,_ Dean’s voice echoed in his mind.

Reaching down Alal grabbed him by the chin again and glared at him. “Show respect, slave,” Alal ordered.

As expected the jacket fell open once more. Crowley didn’t waste time with words. He reached up and snatched the dagger out of the pocket. With a quick turn of his wrist his slammed the dagger upward and through the bottom of Alal’s chin. Alal jerked backward in shock but Crowley refused to release the blade. Blood dripped from Alal onto Crowley’s wrist and down his arms and still he refused to let go.

By the time it was over his tormenter lay dead at his feet. Crowley stared in stunned amazement. He had done it. He had killed Alal. The demon who had tormented and raped him more times than Crowley could count lay dead at his feet. Uneasily he reached down and grabbed the blade. Pulling it free he backed away several paces. When Alal didn’t move Crowley inched forward again. He steeled himself and began to search through the demon’s pockets. 

He didn’t find anything more in the jacket. In the demon’s pants pockets Crowley found his cell phone. Staring at it for a moment he realized he should have expected Alal to keep his phone. It would be useful in tracking down the people that had helped Crowley escape. He almost dialed Sam instantly but stopped himself. Glancing down he realized he still wasn’t wearing any clothing. Leaving the living room he went in search of clothes.

*****

When he was finally dressed he sat on the edge of the bed and stared at his cell. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to call Sam. He really did want to see his love again, he just didn’t want Sam to be disappointed that he had let his guard down. Maybe that’s why Sam hadn’t already called, Crowley thought. Or maybe Sam had called while he had been unconscious and he simply hadn’t heard it? 

Opening the phone he saw it had been turned off. Biting his lower lip he powered the phone on again. Seven missed calls from Sam. Crowley smiled. His love had missed him and tried to find him. Suddenly the smile fell. Sam would be disappointed he had let himself get captured. Dropping his head, he called Sam. The phone was answered before it had a chance to ring twice.

_“Crowley! Where are you?”_

“Um, I’m not sure.”

_“Are you okay?”_

“I think so.”

_“You think so? Damn it, Crowley, are you or aren’t you?”_

“I am uninjured,” Crowley replied before chewing on his lower lip. He knew Sam would be upset.

_“Are you safe where you are?”_

“I think so.”

_“Stay put, we’re on our way.”_

“You know where I am?”

_“I’m using Dean’s phone to track the gps in your phone.”_

Crowley nodded before realizing Sam couldn’t see him. “Understood.”

_“Are you sure you’re not hurt?”_

“Positive.”

_“We’ll be right there. We’re about ten minutes away.”_

“Understood.”

_“What happened?”_

“I… Alal…” Crowley licked his lips trying to get the words out.

_“Crowley?”_

“Demon,” Crowley finally managed.

_“Fuck!”_

“Nothing happened. I…” He glanced back to the living room. “Can we talk about that when you get here?”

_“You’re sure you’re not hurt?”_

_Looks like your new masters aren’t any happier with you than your previous Master._

Crowley bit his bottom lip. “I was not physically harmed,” Crowley said quietly.

_“Five minutes. Hold on, we’ll be right there. Promise.”_

Crowley’s eyes watered and he nodded again. “Understood,” he said quietly. “Sam?”

_“Yeah?”_

“I’m sorry.”

_“Don’t be sorry. Just don’t move from there unless you have to.”_

“Understood.”

_“Are you inside?”_

“Yes.”

_“Is the door locked?”_

“I, um… I don’t know.”

_“Can you check?”_

“Yes. One second.”

Crowley stood and made his way back into the living room. Alal’s dead body seemed to be mocking him. Chewing on his lower lip Crowley made his way to the front door. Checking it he found it locked.

“Yes, locked.”

_“Okay. We’re parking now. Hang up and unlock it for us.”_

Crowley hung up the phone. Perhaps he was thinking about this too hard. Maybe Sam wouldn’t be angry that he had let himself be captured? Still chewing on his lip Crowley unlocked the door and waited. Less than thirty seconds later the door opened. Sam and Dean stood in the doorway and Crowley breathed a sigh of relief. Sam stared at him and Crowley shifted uncomfortably. He knew what Sam was thinking before Sam said anything. Both brothers entered the house and stopped when they saw the body on the living room floor.

“Any others,” Dean asked.

“No.”

“What happened to your clothes,” Sam asked.

“I, um, had to find new ones.”

“Why?”

“Alal banished the ones I was wearing. I did not intentionally break the rules.”

“I take it that’s Alal,” Dean asked nodding toward the body.

“Yes.”

“How did you know him,” Sam asked softly.

“He was my trainer.”

“Trainer?”

“When Lucifer wished me to learn how to be a good slave he assigned Alal to teach me.”

“You killed him,” Dean asked.

Crowley nodded.

“Good,” Dean stated with sharp nod.

Crowley nodded back and turned to Sam. “Sam?”

“Yes?”

“I did not intentionally break rule three. He removed my clothes.”

Sam’s jaw tensed and Crowley dropped his eyes. 

“We’ll talk about it later.”

Crowley nodded.

*-*-*-*-*

As they entered the bunker Crowley trudged behind the brothers. He knew Sam would be pissed that he had broken a rule. Not my fault, Crowley thought. His fault or not, Sam was angry. It wasn’t that he couldn’t handle being punished. It was that he hadn’t done anything to deserve being punished this time. _Loyalty is earned,_ not granted, Sam had said. Hadn’t Sam earned his loyalty? Hadn’t he done enough to earn Sam’s? _A Master is a Master,_ Crowley’s brain reminded him. Crowley stopped suddenly.

“Sam?”

Both brothers stopped and turned.

“It’s not my fault. I didn’t break the rule. I don’t deserve to be punished,” Crowley stated crossing his arms. Sod it, if he was going to be punished anyway he may as well make the most of it.

Sam’s brows knit together as he blinked several times. “You think I’m going to punish you?”

“Aren’t you,” Crowley shot back.

“Why would I,” Sam asked, sounding confused.

“Rule three, always wear clothing,” Crowley quoted.

“But it wasn’t you that removed the clothing.”

“You never made that stipulation.”

“Crowley-”

“Of course. _Now_ I’m Crowley.”

Sam stared at him for several seconds before responding. “I don’t understand what’s wrong.”

“Whatever, it doesn’t matter. Just get on with it.”

“Get on with what?”

“Punishing me. It doesn’t matter anymore.”

“I don’t understand why you would think I’m going to punish you,” Sam said exasperated.

“Because he thinks he broke a rule,” Dean stated.

“But he didn’t,” Sam argued.

“He _feels_ like he did,” Dean replied. “Crowley, nobody's blaming you for what happened.”

“It was a rule,” Crowley answered brusquely.

“That’s our bad,” Dean told him. “We weren’t clear enough. We should have phrased it better. What we meant was _you_ do not remove your clothes outside of your room, okay?”

Crowley bit his lower lip as he thought about that. “Why am I now Crowley and not ‘baby’,” Crowley asked angrily.

“ _That’s_ what’s bothering you,” Sam inquired.

“Titles are important. In hell I was called many things, none of which were very prestigious.”

“And you thought…” Sam shook his head. “I didn’t mean to infer anything by calling you Crowley instead of baby. I can call you baby if you like.”

“And the rule,” Crowley asked distrustfully

Sam shook his head again. “Dean’s right. We meant for you not to remove your clothes. You’re not going to get punished because someone else removed them.”

Crowley inspected Sam skeptically.

“You really thought I’d punish you for something you didn’t do?”

“After everything I went through in hell? Yes,” Crowley snapped.

“Never,” Sam assured him.

Crowley looked away. He heard movement then Sam’s arms wrapped around him. Pulling him close Sam rubbed a hand over his back a few times.

“You are not going to be punished, I didn’t mean anything by not calling you baby and nobody blames you for what happened. Okay?”

“I don’t understand.”

“I know,” Sam told him. “Can we go sit down, baby? I would like to know exactly what happened if you feel up to telling me.”

Crowley hesitated. “Yes,” he finally conceded.

Sam nodded and finally released him. 

*-*-*-*-*

Crowley relayed the story with as much detail as he could remember. Being unconscious at the time Crowley could only assume Alal had blinked them to the house. It was the only thing that fit within the time elapsed. As he told the story Sam seemed to become more and more angry. Bollocks, Crowley thought. Crowley resigned himself to his fate. Whatever was going to happen would happen. He wasn’t going to be able to change the outcome so there was no point in worrying over it until it happened. 

“Sammy,” Dean said quietly without taking his eyes off of Crowley.

“What,” Sam barked.

“You need to calm down.”

“Calm down? After what he just told us,” Sam snarled.

Suddenly he’d had enough. “What right do _you_ have to angry,” Crowley shouted. “I bloody lived through it, you didn’t! If anyone has a right to be angry it’s me. You said so yourself!” Standing Crowley stalked out of the room. Even with the threat of punishment he couldn’t stop himself. If they were going to punish him so be it, but he would damned sure do something to deserve it.


	17. Chapter 17

Sam picked at his food.

“Eat,” Dean ordered.

“Are you sure we shouldn’t-”

“Yes. Eat.”

“What if-”

“He’ll come down when he’s ready. Eat Sam.”

“Maybe we should-”

“Nope. He’ll be fine.”

“Damn it Dean, how do you expect me _not_ to be pissed with what he just told us!”

“I don’t. I just expect you to be more supportive.”

Sam stared at Dean. 

“Look Sam, he just told us he killed the demon that hurt him the most. As angry as you are at the demon, he’s dead. Crowley’s not. He needs you now more than before. Now is not the time to let your emotions get the better of you. Crowley is already going to be confused by how he feels. He needs you to keep him grounded.”

“How can he possibly feel confused about that… bastard, being dead?”

“Because for two thousand years in hell, that’s all he knew. It was amazing that he could even defy Alal, let alone hurt him. He found the strength to stand up to Alal because of you. What he needs now is more comfort, not anger.”

“It wasn’t Crowley I was angry with,” Sam whispered.

“He doesn’t know that. What he knows is he killed the demon that tortured him the most and you, the person he looks to for support, got angry.”

“I didn’t… I mean it wasn’t…”

“It was to him.”

“Damn it.”

“Yep.”

“How do I fix it?”

“You just-”

“Sam?”

Both of them turned and found Crowley standing in the doorway to the kitchen.

“There is nothing for you to ‘fix’. I have to fix this,” Crowley said quietly.

“I want to help you,” Sam insisted.

“That you can do.”

Making his way to the table Crowley sat down between Sam and Dean. Chewing on his lower lip for a while Crowley finally spoke again. “I’m sorry about how I reacted. I was sure that you would be angry with me for allowing myself to get captured. Everything just escalated.”

“I was angry but it wasn’t at you.”

“I know. It took me a while to calm down. When I did I realized your anger wasn’t directed at me. It, um, took me a while to work up the courage to come down here after that.”

*-*-*-*-*  
Eight months later  
*-*-*-*-*

Finally managing to chop off the head of the vampire currently attacking him Dean turned to check on his brother and Crowley. When he found Crowley and Sam kissing each other with the bodies of decapitated vampires littering the ground around them he rolled his eyes. Should have known, he thought. Every hunt this happened. Unless he stopped them before they started they were perfectly content to make out with the bodies of whatever they had just killed laying around them.

“Seriously,” Dean called out. “You can’t wait to do that?”

Without breaking the kiss Sam raise one hand and flipped him the bird. Dean rolled his eyes. Crossing his arms he waited. Finally they broke apart and stood there staring at each other.

“Hey! Little help getting rid of the bodies,” Dean asked.

*-*-*-*-*

There was no way they were back to the bunker yet so when the car slowed Crowley looked out the window. They were pulling into a convenience store. They hadn’t pulled up to a gas pump so Crowley couldn’t figure out why they’d stopped. He turned and raised a questioning eyebrow to Sam.

“Pie,” Sam answered simply.

Crowley rolled his eyes and returned to kissing Sam. Another car pulled up next to them and Crowley didn’t pay it any attention. He had no idea how long they sat there kissing before he realized Dean should have already returned. Pulling back away from Sam Crowley frowned.

“Shouldn’t Dean be back by now,” he asked.

“Actually yeah,” Sam said. “Maybe we should go check on him?”

“Yeah, probably,” Crowley agreed.

As they approached the store Crowley slowed. Something was wrong. He couldn’t put his finger on it but something just didn’t feel quite right. Sam opened the door and walked inside. Crowley followed still scanning the area. He spotted the gunman and opened his mouth to warn Sam seconds before the shot rang out. A few of the spells he had prepared for the hunt hadn’t been used. He pulled on one of the unused spells now to fling at the gunman. The man crumpled and fell to the ground dead. The spell wouldn’t have killed a vampire but a human didn’t stand a chance against it. 

Crowley dropped to his knees beside Sam. There was blood everywhere. It pooled behind Sam’s head and soaked through the front of his shirt near his left shoulder. Pressing his hands against the bullet wound, Crowley panicked. 

“Sam! Sam, wake up!”

Sam didn’t move.

“Sam! No, no, no. You can’t die on me. Castiel! Castiel, where are you!? Castiel! Sam, wake up now. Come on, you can’t die on me, I need you! Castiel! Wherever you are, you get your feathered ass here now!”

Still holding one hand against the wound in Sam’s shoulder Crowley moved the other to check the back of Sam’s head. His hand felt the warm sticky blood oozing out of the back of Sam’s head. When he pulled his hand away he found it covered in Sam’s blood.

“Castiel!”

“Crowley?”

His head shot to the left. 

“Help!”

The angel knelt down and put a hand on Sam’s chest. Crowley held his breath. If he lost his Sam… Sam’s eyes opened as he suddenly sat up and inhaled sharply. Crowley sagged in relief. Someone touched his wrist and Crowley glanced down to his hand. 

“It’s okay,” Castiel whispered. “You can move your hand now.”

Crowley stared at the angel in confusion.

“You can move your hand now,” Castiel repeated. “He’s not bleeding anymore.”

Slowly Crowley drew his hand back. “Sam?”

Sam lifted his head to face him and nodded slightly. “I’m good baby.”

Instantly Crowley gripped Sam’s shirt and moved until he was sitting in Sam’s lap. As Crowley curled up against Sam’s chest he clung onto the shirt. Alive, Crowley told himself. Sam was alive.

“Sh, baby, it’s okay.”

Unable to speak Crowley merely shook his head. 

There was a soft sound from behind him but Crowley didn’t bother to move. Castiel could deal with whatever it was. For now all of his focus was on Sam. He had almost lost his Sam. He couldn’t even imagine what he would do if he ever did lose Sam.

“Dean?”

At the sound of Sam’s questioning voice Crowley shifted his head slightly and opened his eyes. The older Winchester was standing at the end of one of the aisles. There was a nasty looking cut on his forehead. Dean wobbled slightly and grabbed a shelf to balance himself. Castiel walked over, placed a hand on Dean’s head and healed him. Assured that the older Winchester was good, Crowley closed his eyes returned his attention back to his Sam.

“You three get to the car. I’ll catch up,” Castiel said quietly. 

“What are you going to do,” Sam asked.

“I have to take care of the clerk’s memories and the video cameras. It won’t take long, wait for me. I’ll meet up with you in the car.”

Sam nodded and went to stand. Crowley didn’t move.

“Crowley?”

Crowley shook his head. He couldn’t let go of his Sam. 

“It’s okay, Sam,” Castiel stated. There was a soft touch on his shoulder and Crowley suddenly found them both sitting in the car. Thankfully he was still sitting in Sam’s lap. He wrapped his arms around Sam even more tightly. 

“Crowley?”

Crowley shook his head.

“Hey, it’s okay. I’m fine now.”

“You could have died and I couldn’t do anything to help.”

“I didn’t die, baby. I’m here.” 

Sam wrapped his arms around him and Crowley buried his face into Sam’s shoulder. He didn’t even look up when both of the front doors to the car opened and shut again. Until now he had never truly mourned the loss of his demonic powers. It had been ages since he had been able to use them. When he’d been cured he hadn’t really cared about their loss at the time. If he still had access to them he could have done something to help Sam. What would happen the next time?

“It’s a good thing you showed up when you did, Cass,” Dean stated. “How did you know we needed help?”

“I heard Crowley’s prayer,” Castiel answered. 

Crowley froze for a few seconds before lifting his head to stare at the angel.

“Prayer,” Crowley asked confused.

“Yes, your prayer to ‘get my feathered ass down here’.”

“But I… That wasn’t… I can’t… I mean demons can’t… Even if we could…”

“You’re not a demon anymore, Crowley. You’re human now,” Castiel reminded him.

“Human,” Crowley repeated.

“Yes. You can pray and your prayers will be heard. Especially one like your last prayer.”

“What do you mean?”

“The more selfless the prayer the more clearly it is heard. Your prayer was to save Sam, it came through very clearly. Though next time you don’t have to be quite as loud,” Castiel said with a small smile.

“He was dying,” Crowley argued.

“The bullet missed his heart. He was merely unconscious. Given time he would have recovered but he probably would have needed to go to the hospital.”

Human. Crowley sat stunned. He was human. Yes, he had known that but he hadn’t really thought about what it meant. He could pray now. As he was busy thinking about the implications he barely noted the Impala starting.

*-*-*-*-*

By the time they reached the bunker Crowley was busy trying to figure out how to work this into his plan. He needed something that could injure an archangel. To his knowledge there were only a handful of items that would work. None would be easy to get but the most promising option, at least now, was another archangel’s blade. The car stopped and the engine died. Crowley looked up and realized they were finally back at the bunker.

“Baby?”

Crowley turned to face Sam.

“Ready to go inside?”

“Yes, definitely.”

Sam smiled and Crowley felt relief wash over him again. His Sam was still here; still alive. He was going to do everything in his power to ensure it stayed that way. Exiting the vehicle they made their way into the bunker. Crowley trailed behind. Despite Castiel insisting Sam hadn’t been about to die this was the first time Crowley had really come face to face with Sam’s mortality. The experience left him feeling even more protective than usual.

Sam made his way upstairs and Crowley followed. Sam turned left to go to their room and Crowley placed a hand on Sam’s arm. When Sam stopped and looked at him Crowley moved his hand so that he was holding Sam’s hand and led them to the bathroom. Castiel may have healed Sam but Crowley still had an overwhelming urge to take care of him. If Sam didn’t have any strenuous objections he was going to spend the rest of the night doing just that. In the bathroom Crowley closed the door and went to turn on the shower. 

“Crowley?”

“I need to take care of you. Please, just let me do this?”

Sam pressed his lips together and Crowley waited anxiously. Finally Sam nodded and Crowley returned to adjusting the water temperature. When he had it just right he turned back and began undressing Sam. 

*-*-*-*-*

Walking across the room Sam slid into the bed. Crowley fussed with the blanket ensuring that it was completely tucked around Sam. Finally Crowley climbed into the bed on top of the covers. Sam eyed Crowley curiously.

“Baby?”

“Mm,” Crowley hummed snuggling next to Sam.

“Why are you on top of the covers?”

“Take care of you,” Crowley murmured.

“Crowley. Look at me please.”

Crowley turned his head slightly and looked up at Sam.

“I need you.”

Crowley shook his head and buried his face back into Sam’s side.

“Crowley,” Sam huffed.

“Can’t.”

“Why not?”

Crowley shook his head again.

“It’s okay, baby. You heard Cass, it wasn’t that bad.”

“It could have been,” Crowley insisted.

“Hey, everything’s fine. I’m alright, baby.”

“Don’t trust myself,” Crowley muttered. “Can’t be gentle.”

Sam realized what the problem was finally. After having been shot Sam was pretty shaken up himself. He could only imagine how Crowley was feeling. Sam reached down and laid a hand on Crowley’s shoulder. He waited until Crowley finally looked up at him.

“It’s okay, baby. I understand. We can start slow, and go from there, but I really do need this.”

Crowley let out a soft whine.

“I know you’re worried but I need this too. Please?”

“Don’t want to hurt you.”

“You won’t baby. If it gets to be too much I’ll say stop, okay?”

“I don’t know. I don’t… If I ever hurt you…”

“You won’t, I won’t let you, okay?”

Crowley nodded. “Sam?”

“Yes baby?”

“Can I… I mean, I would like… If we do this, I really need…” 

“To be the top?”

Crowley gave another soft whine.

“It’s fine, baby. I’m good with that.”

“I’m not sure if I am,” Crowley whispered.

“Baby?”

“Yes?”

“I _want_ this and I _want_ you to top.”

Slowly Crowley got out of the bed and carefully removed his clothing. Reaching down for the covers he hesitated. Sam move the blanket off of himself and began to remove his sleep clothes as well. As much as he needed this he realized that Crowley might actually need it more. Crowley had thought he was dying. It didn’t matter that Sam would have survived without Cass’ help, it only mattered what Crowley believed at the time. Right now Crowley needed to reassure himself Sam was still alive as much as Sam needed the same thing.

*-*-*-*-*

“Crowley actually prayed to you,” Dean asked.

“Not in the traditional sense,” Cass answered.

“What do you mean?”

“Angels hear all kinds of prayers. They don’t all have to be formal. Because of that angels are continuously bombarded by prayers. If all of them came through clearly it would be very distracting. For that reason certain prayers come through more clearly than others. For instance, if the person knows an angel’s name and prays specifically to that angel the prayer becomes more clear than some others. Also the more selfless the prayer the more clearly it comes through.”

“You think Crowley praying to you to save Sam was selfless and had nothing to do with him wanting to keep Sam here for personal reasons?”

“He wasn’t thinking of himself at all, Dean. At the time the only thing he cared about was saving Sam.”

“Really?”

“Yes. He had no thoughts of himself at all.”

*-*-*-*-*

As Sam’s eyes opened he couldn’t help but smile. Crowley lay curled up just in front of Sam with his head on Sam’s arm and was still fast asleep. Last night hadn’t been like the times before. It had been fast and hard instead of their normal slow and easy pace. Sam was still sore but it brought back pleasant memories. Crowley had been hesitant at first but Sam hadn’t complained. He complied passively in the beginning knowing eventually Crowley would give into his needs soon enough.

Sure enough eventually Crowley hadn’t been able to hold back. Yes, it had been rougher than he was used to but he needed it as well. Crowley hadn’t been the only one shaken up last night. Getting shot really sucked. Crowley shifted slightly and settled. Sam lightly kissed the back of Crowley’s neck. His baby had been through more than anyone should ever have to endure. Crowley shifted again and mumble in his sleep. Sam nuzzled against Crowley’s neck.

“Shh, baby,” he whispered. “It’s alright, I’ve got you.”

“Mm, Sam?”

“Yeah, baby, it’s me.”

“Morning.”

“Morning,” Sam responded.

Crowley hesitated slightly. “Are you…”

“I’m fine, baby. Quit worrying.”

“Can’t help it,” Crowley muttered.

“Crowley?”

“Yes?”

“Can I asked you about something?”

Twisting Crowley moved until he lay on his back and turned to face Sam. “What did you want to ask?”

“There are some areas with almost no scarring.”

“Yes,” Crowley drawled slowly.

“Those seem to be the places you don’t like being touched the most.”

Crowley chewed on his bottom lip for a few seconds before answering. “You wish to know why,” he finally stated.

“If you don’t mind.”

“Those were the spots Lucifer liked the most. When he was done either punishing me or using me most of those places were injured fairly bad. He had to heal those places often. Sometimes he would have to heal them before he was even finished hurting me.”

“I’m sorry, baby.”

“You did nothing to be sorry for, Sam.”

“I didn’t even try to find you.”

“There was no reason why you would have tried. Do not blame yourself for what Lucifer did to me. That was not your fault.”

“I should have known something was wrong.”

“How?”

Sam shook his head. “I just…”

“You had no reason to suspect anything. There was no reason for you to think anything was wrong. Do not blame yourself, Sam.”

“Love,” Sam corrected.

“Love,” Crowley agreed, leaning forward to kiss Sam lightly.

*-*-*-*-*


	18. Chapter 18

Cracking one eye Crowley glanced around his room. Still nothing. How was it possible to do this wrong? He had accidently prayed and Castiel had heard. How could it be so much more difficult to pray on purpose? Sighing he closed his eyes to try again. A knock at his door broke his concentration. Opening his eyes Crowley inspected the books on the floor around himself. 

“One second,” he called out.

Grabbing the books strew out around him he turned trying to find somewhere to hide them. Finally he settled for shoving them into various drawers in the desk. When Crowley rushed to open the door he was greeted by Sam.

“Hey,” he said awkwardly. _Bollocks, it sounds lame even to myself._

“Hey. What’s up?”

“I was just researching some stuff.”

“What kind of stuff?”

“Um,” Crowley paused. Great. _Did I have to put all the books away?_ “Witchcraft stuff,” he said vaguely. “Is it time for lunch,” he asked quickly trying to change the subject.

“Uh, it’s a bit early but if you’re hungry-”

“Yes, famished. I’ll be right down.”

“Okay,” Sam replied, sounding confused. “I’ll, um, go make something.”

“Yes. I’ll be right down.”

“Okay…”

With a forced smile Crowley closed the door as quickly as he dared. Not too fast, not too slow, he reminded himself. When the door was finally closed he leaned back against it and closed his eyes. For the first time in… a couple millennia he had allowed himself to lie and it had been to _Sam_. Crowley bit into his lower lip hard and felt it split. Damn it, how was he going to explain the cut to Sam?

*-*-*-*-*

As Crowley entered the kitchen Sam noted the split lip but didn’t remark on it. Something was definitely going on but Crowley seemed reluctant to talk about it so Sam didn’t push. He finished making the sandwiches and moved the plates to the table.

“I didn’t know what you felt like eating.”

“Sandwiches are fine,” Crowley stated a little too quickly.

Crowley started to chew on his bottom lip again. Sam pressed his lips together and tried to ignore the odd behavior. Sitting down Sam turned and looked over to Crowley. As always the former demon had yet to touch his plate because Sam had yet to start eating.

“You know you don’t have to wait for me before you eat,” Sam reminded him.

“With so much of my life different I already feel uncomfortable. This helps. Please don’t order me to begin without you,” Crowley whispered.

Order. In spite of everything Crowley still thought in terms of orders. Sam shook his head. “If it makes you feel more comfortable I’m okay with it.”

“Thank you.”

_‘Thank you.’_ For being allowed to make his own decisions. Sam stomped down on the rage that threatened to break through. Now was not the time. Something was obviously already bothering Crowley, there was no need to make it worse. They ate in silence. When they finished Sam offered to help Crowley with his research. Crowley looked so uncomfortable it set off warning bells in Sam’s mind. For the life of him he couldn’t figure out how to bring it up without potentially upsetting Crowley further. For now Sam let it pass.

*-*-*-*-*

Maybe it has to be out loud, Crowley mused. 

“Raphael,” Crowley whispered. “If you can hear me please answer.” Crowley chewed his lower lip for a few seconds before wincing. Damn it, he had forgotten about the cut. “Castiel said I’m human enough to pray.” He paused unsure where to go from there. The archangel would know if he was lying. Honesty, Crowley told himself. “I need help to protect Sam,” he said finally.

Still nothing. “Damn it,” Crowley growled. He picked up the nearest object, one of his shoes, and tossed it across the room. The shoe struck the wall and dropped to the ground bouncing a few times before coming to a rest. All in all very unsatisfactory.

“Such a temper.”

Crowley twisted around instantly. “Raphael,” Crowley asked cautiously.

The person waved a hand dismissively. “Yes, yes. Enough about me. You’re human?”

“I was cured during the trials,” Crowley informed the archangel.

“So it would seem. Did you really not sense me before now?”

Crowley fought down the urge to growl. Getting angry at the angel would not be helpful. “How long have you been here?”

“A while.”

“And you’re just now showing yourself!”

“I was checking something.”

“You wanted to know if I could feel you or not,” Crowley sulked.

“It was a valid concern,” Raphael asserted. “You know yourself better than anyone. Tell me I wasn’t right to think it might be another one of your tricks.”

“And did you satisfy your curiosity,” Crowley growled.

“For the time being. Tell me, why did you pray to me. Why not Castiel or another angel?”

“I needed to speak with an archangel.”

“Why would that be?”

“I wish to kill Lucifer.”

To his surprise, and his anger, the archangel laughed.

“I’m serious,” Crowley insisted.

“It took two archangels and God to lock him in hell and you wish to kill him? Forgive me if I find that sentiment humorous.”

“Unlike you I am not related to him. I have no compunctions about harming him.”

“Just how is it you expect to be able to hurt him?”

“I have a plan, I just need a few more things.”

“Such as?”

“A few ingredients for some of the spells and I need to borrow your blade.”

Raphael stilled and glowered down at Crowley. Still sitting on the floor Crowley had a hard time not cowering under the archangel’s gaze. 

*-*-*-*-*

Sam inspected the man lying next to him. It felt like forever since he had first brought Crowley to the bunker. In many ways Crowley had improved but in several ways he was still just as damaged. Still, he couldn’t put a finger on what it was that worried him. Something about the way Crowley was acting made Sam worry about him more than usual. 

Crowley snuggled back against Sam’s chest and whined softly.

“Sh, baby. It’s okay.”

When Crowley began to shake Sam tightened his arm around Crowley’s waist a little and kept whispering to him. He was still whispering to him when Crowley’s eyes shot open suddenly. Crowley jerked slightly before his muscles locked.

“Sh, baby, it’s only me.”

“Sam,” Crowley whispered.

“Yeah, baby.”

Instead of responding Crowley twisted until he was facing Sam and curled up against Sam’s chest.

“Everything’s alright, it was just a nightmare.” Silence. “Crowley?”

“In a second. For now…”

“Take all the time you need.”

Sam spent the time holding Crowley and rocking them softly. He continued whispering to Crowley trying to soothe him. It was ten minutes before Crowley could let go of him. Finally Crowley released Sam and drew back a little.

“Sorry.”

“Don’t be, there’s nothing to be sorry for.”

Crowley nodded.

“Want to tell me what it was about?”

“No,” Crowley whispered.

The haunted look in Crowley’s eyes kept Sam from pressing the issue. 

“Sam?”

“Yeah?”

“Can you just hold me?”

“Sure baby.”

*-*-*-*-*

Days passed and Crowley threw himself into his training. Raphael had told him that as things stood he couldn’t see loaning Crowley his angel blade. Crowley pestered Dean until the older Winchester had given in and started teaching him more about knife fighting. Step one, get good enough to kill Lucifer. Step two, get an archangel's blade. Step three, get to hell. Step four, kill Lucifer. It was a fairly straight forward plan. The problem was enacting it. It depended on the last remaining archangel relinquishing his blade.

Crowley was resigned to dying in the effort. Even if he somehow lived through killing Lucifer the demons in hell would tear him apart. There would be no coming back from this endeavor. No matter how this ended he would lose his Sam. If it kept Sam safe, though, it was worth it. So Crowley trained, studied and spent as much time around Sam as possible. After a month Crowley prayed to Raphael again. 

*****

“Crowley,” Raphael stated dispassionately.

“I’m better with a blade.”

“You think that’s why I didn’t want you to have my angel blade?”

“I just wanted you to know. I prayed because I wasn’t sure what you wanted. I need to know what I have to do to appease you.”

“Why?”

“Because I need to protect my Sam.”

“Why?”

“Because he deserves a better life.”

“Why?”

“Because he’s my Sam. I would give anything to keep him safe.”

“Not all humans?”

“I do not care about them as much,” Crowley answered honestly.

“Why,” Raphael replied.

“I don’t know! Just tell me what you want!”

“You must figure out that on your own.”

“Help me. Give me some kind of hint.”

“No.”

“Please!”

“No.”

“Damn it!”

“Crowley, why do you really want to kill my brother?”

“Isn’t what he did to me enough?!”

“No.”

“Damn it! And damn you too! What he did to me was wrong!”

“Okay, why?”

“It was wrong!”

“But why?”

“It would have been wrong for him to do that to anyone!”

“Yes.”

Crowley fumed. Suddenly he froze. “Wait. What?”

“Think about it and _you_ answer that question.”

Crowley actually spent time thinking about that question. Everything he’d been taught told him he was to be punished. Why would punishing him be wrong? “Because… it was too much,” he asked questioningly.

“Too much what?”

_“You didn’t deserve what he did to you.”_

“Because I didn’t deserve it?”

“Is that a question?”

_Was it?_ “No. He was wrong. No questions.”

“Are you sure about that?”

“Yes.”

“Positive?”

Crowley opened his mouth to answer but there was a knock on his door. “Damn it. You have to hide.”

“Why?”

“Fuck… Just…” The door opened and revealed his Sam.

“Were you just talking to someone?”

“Umm…”

Sam watched him expectantly.

Raphael was no longer visible. “No. Did you need something?” Crowley fought not to duck his head in shame at the lie.

“It’s time for dinner.”

“Oh. Yeah, I’ll be right down.”

“Crowley… Are you…”

“I’m fine, love. I’ll be right down for dinner.”

“You know you can talk to me about anything, right?”

“Yes, love.”

Sam seemed to hesitate. “Yeah. Okay.” Sam left and shut the door behind himself.

“You lie to the one person you trust?”

Crowley jumped at Raphael’s voice. “Fuck you!”

“I can always leave,” Raphael reminded him.

“No! Don’t leave. Just…” 

“Yes?”

“I can’t let him know.”

“Why?”

“I… I just can’t.”

“Why?”

“Because I love him! Alright? I love him!”

“You don’t think he’d want to know?”

“I want to protect him.”

*-*-*-*-*

Crowley picked at his food trying to ignore the questioning looks Sam was giving him. If he couldn’t convince Raphael to loan him the angel blade he would have to find another way to take care of Lucifer. He _needed_ Sam to be safe. As long as Lucifer lived Sam would always be in danger. Crowley ran through his last conversation with Raphael. There was something there but he couldn’t quite pin it down. By the time dinner was over Crowley was no closer to an answer.

“Ready for bed,” Sam asked.

“Um, I think I’ll research a little longer.”

“Want some help?”

“Uh, no thanks. I’ll be alright.”

“You’ve been spending an awful lot of time alone,” Sam noted.

“Just thinking about a lot of things right now.”

“And you need time alone?”

“Yeah,” Crowley whispered. It was true enough but it felt like a lie.

“You know you can always talk to me about anything?”

“Yeah.”

Sam pressed his lips together and Crowley waited. “When you’re done are you going to come sleep with me?”

“Just sleep?”

“Whatever you want baby.”

“I think I just want sleep,” Crowley said uncomfortably.

“Then we’ll just sleep.”

“‘Kay.”

*-*-*-*-*  
Six weeks later  
*-*-*-*-*

“Crowley.”

“Raphael,” Crowley greeted. “I think I finally understand.”

“Yes?”

“Taking out Lucifer would protect the whole world, not just my Sam.”

“Oh?”

“Yes. As much as I wish to protect my Sam the other humans deserve the same.”

“Other humans? You do not think of yourself as one?”

“It’s difficult. I was a demon for… I don’t know. It depends on human time span or hell’s time span. Either way it was a long time.”

“Indeed.”

“The point is, the other humans deserve the same protection.”

“And you really believe that?”

“Yes. I’m not saying I care about the rest of the human race, that would be a lie. But I can understand how they deserve protection too.”

“But you don’t care about them?”

“You’d know if I was lying.”

“There is that.”

“So I’m offering the truth. Yes, I may care about my Sam more than others but I recognize the reasons why the rest of the human race needs to be protected as well.”

“Understood,” Raphael acknowledged.


	19. Chapter 19

When Dean passed him heading for the front door Crowley changed directions and followed Dean. “Are we not training today?”

“Can’t sorry. I have to go out for a bit to keep us in money.”

“Money?”

“Yep. Might be gone for a while. You should take the day off, relax.”

“Dean, about money. I might be able to-”

“Don’t worry about it, I have it covered.”

“But I really could-”

“I got it. Stop worrying about it and spend some time with Sam.”

Crowley stared as Dean opened the front door and left. If it was money they needed then he could help if Dean had just listened. Before he had been captured and become a slave to Lucifer he had several various deals in the works and bank accounts. Most of the deals had probably fallen through after five years but there was still the money in the bank accounts; money that had been drawing interest for the five years he had spent in hell.

It actually wouldn’t be that hard to transfer the money from the accounts that he hadn’t told anyone about to new ones. He could put Sam on as the payee to help the brothers after he was gone. Everything would work out as he planned and Sam would get extra cash. It was a perfect plan, except he needed to find a way to make sure Sam got the money. Crowley made his way to his room to work out a plan.

*-*-*-*-*

To say that he was exhausted would be putting it mildly. Every morning he woke up, had breakfast and trained. Some days he trained with Dean, some days he trained alone. After training he would eat lunch or, if there was time before lunch, research spells. After lunch he would help Sam with the basics of witchcraft. When they finished or had to stop for dinner he would eat and then make his way to the bathroom under the pretense of taking a shower. From there he would pray to Raphael and train with the archangel in a side dimension. Raphael also taught him about how Lucifer fought and the best ways to counter those moves. When he was returned to the material realm no time had passed. He would shower and make his way to Sam’s room for sleep. 

The next day everything would start over again. Nothing changed unless they went on a hunt. If the hunt took longer than a day Crowley spent the downtime helping Sam with spell craft. For someone not witch born Sam wasn’t too bad. There were things Sam was never going to be able to do but was fine. Most of what he wouldn’t be able to learn were spells that caused pain to the caster. Crowley would never have taught Sam those spells. Making his way to the library he ran through everything they were going to cover today. As always Sam was already there.

“I’ve been thinking,” Sam stated.

Crowley eyed Sam carefully and waited.

“Why don’t we take a break today?”

“Okay,” Crowley said slowly.

“It’s just that we don’t ever do anything but train. You’re always busy now, I just wanted to spend time with you.”

Crowley bit his lower lip. “I just want to make sure you’re protected.”

“I know baby, but everyone needs a break every now and then.”

Crowley thought about it. Did he really want his last memories of Sam to be filled with nothing but training? “Do we have to go out?”

“We could stay in if you want.”

“Can we snuggle?”

“If that’s what you want.”

“If… If I want you to…”

“To what baby?”

“To want more than snuggling,” Crowley whispered.

“You mean sex?”

“After I… I mean, after last time I wasn’t sure if…”

“Oh, baby.”

“I was waiting. You never…”

“I was waiting for you. I told you I would never push you.”

“I hurt you like people hurt me,” Crowley whispered.

“No you didn’t baby. You didn’t hurt me. Okay? I was just waiting for you to ask.”

“I can’t Sam. I’m not comfortable asking first. I need to know if you want it.”

“I almost always want it baby.”

“But when you don’t… What if I…”

“Then I’ll just tell you and that’s it. You won’t be punished for anything, especially not that.”

“Promise?”

“Promise baby. God baby, come here.” Sam wrapped his arms around Crowley and held him. 

*-*-*-*-*

It was another full week before Sam brought up taking a day off again. By then Crowley had transferred and consolidated the money into a new account, gotten a debit card and acquired a bank deposit box. In the box was was all the information Sam would need about the account and a goodbye letter. He hadn’t wanted to feel rushed when he wrote it so he didn’t want to wait until the last minute. He spent his mornings when he wasn’t training with Dean working on it. He still wasn’t happy with the letter but it was the best he was going to be able to write. Crowley nodded. For now a day off didn’t sound half bad as long as they spent it together. 

“Okay,” he agreed.

“What would you like to do today,” Sam asked.

Crowley shrugged. “I don’t know, you pick.”

“You don’t have anything you specifically want to do?”

“Train more?”

“Crowley.”

“I don’t know. Anything that would have interested me before doesn’t now. I haven’t really spent a lot of time acquiring new likes or hobbies. Mostly I just like spending time with you. If you suggest something maybe it would help.”

“Dean’s birthday is coming up. Maybe we could go to the mall and look for something to get him. There’s a lot of shops there. Maybe we can find something that interests you.”

The mall? Sam’s suggestion was to take them to one of the most crowded places there was and wander around? Actually considering they never went to the mall that was one of the last places any of the demons remaining on earth would expect them. It still left them extremely exposed. Crowley chewed on his lower lip as he thought about it.

“We don’t have to go there if you don’t want,” Sam replied quickly.

“No that’s fine, I was just thinking. I’m good with the mall.”

“Really?”

“Really. You’re right, maybe I’ll see something that will catch my interest.”

“Okay. Let’s grab the keys to one of the cars here and we can head out.”

*-*-*-*-*

In retrospect, perhaps the mall was not the best idea. It was large, loud, crowded and way too public. Anyone of these people here could be possessed by a demon and he wouldn’t know until it was too late. _‘You’ve been very bad.’_ Alal’s voice echoed through his mind and Crowley shivered. 

“Crowley?”

“I’m fine,” Crowley answered hastily. “Ready to go in?”

“Yeah, sure.”

As they approached the doors slid open. They waited as other patrons exited before entering. It was pretty much like he expected. Wide open spaces packed with people, shops lining the walls and the smell of various types of food throughout the whole place. Crowley dodged people that walked a little too close for his comfort. Maybe he really wasn’t ready to be in a crowd this big. All the people were already making him nervous.

“Where do you want to start,” Sam asked.

“I don’t know. You pick.”

Sam shrugged and started walking. Crowley followed still inspecting the surroundings carefully. Okay, not everyone here could be a threat. If there was one thing he knew how to do it was sizing up people. Some things you never forget no matter how much time passed. Crowley eyed the people they passed. Instinctively his mind informed him which ones would be the easiest marks for deals and how to handle them for the best results. He pushed that information away trying to spy potential threats instead of marks.

Very few of the people here seemed threatening and Crowley started to relax. He still dodged those that came too close but his tension was beginning to ease slightly. Instead of observing these people as potential marks for deals he took time to evaluate them as human beings. Maybe through them he could learn more about the people he would help by proxy while trying to protect his Sam.

They stopped at a few stores. Crowley found he didn’t much like entering most of the businesses. It was too crowded to avoid touching other people or to adequately read those around them before the people passed. If the shop was small enough for him to be able to keep an eye on Sam Crowley would often choose to wait by the doorway. When they stopped at another shop Sam turn back to him and raised an eyebrow. Crowley shook his head. Shrugging, Sam turned and entered the store leaving Crowley to watch from the entrance.

As he watched Sam he also kept an eye on those walking around outside the shop. If protecting humanity meant so much to Raphael that the angel would deny Crowley his blade until he realized they needed the protection, Crowley wanted to understand why. Quick glances at the people walking around outside the shop and a few longer glances inside to make sure Sam was still alright. It continued that way until a mother with two children caught his attention.

The group stopped near one of the nearby vendors set up in the middle of walkways. Checking on Sam quickly, Crowley turned back to watch the family. The mother was inspecting her wallet and the kids were busy checking out the toys at the vendor's stand. After a while both the son and the daughter held out their toys to show his mom. The mother inspected them and frowned. Opening her wallet again she checked the contents and the frown deepened. Crowley glanced back into the store to check on Sam and then back to the family.

The mother was discussing something something with the vendor. After a short discussion she turned back to the children. Before she could say anything the boy replaced his toy and pointed at his sister. Crowley frowned. Checking that Sam was preoccupied and safe Crowley made his way over to vendor’s stand just as the family was leaving. Grabbing the toy the boy returned Crowley placed it on the counter and reached for his wallet. He had the debit card pulled out before the cashier had finished ringing up the item. As soon as the cashier was finished Crowley swiped the card. The second the man placed the receipt in the bag Crowley took off after the family. He caught up with them before they rounded the corner. When he placed his hand on the mother’s arm she jumped. 

“Sorry,” Crowley apologized. “You just… left a bag behind and I didn’t want you to lose it. I really have to go now.” 

The second she opened the bag Crowley slid into the crowd and quickly made his way back to Sam. When he arrived at the shop he entered so that he wouldn’t be spotted if they came looking for him. Sam had just finished paying for something. As Sam started to exit the shop Crowley stopped him. 

“What did you get?”

Sam lowered his eyebrows suspiciously. “You weren’t watching?”

“I was watching the people outside. I, they…” He trailed off not knowing how to finish that statement without lying.

“Are you okay?”

“Of course.”

“You seem a little…” 

“It’s the people. I’m not used to large crowds.” Still not technically a lie even if it felt like one.

“You want to leave?”

“Only if you’re ready.”

“Come on, let’s get you home.”

“Thanks.”

They left the mall and made their way to the car. Crowley was busy cursing himself for not telling Sam the truth. He hadn’t done anything wrong precisely but he wasn’t used to the freedom of being able to go where he pleased and do whatever he wanted. In the not too distant past he would have been punished for taking off like that. When they arrived at the car they both got in and shut their doors. Instead of starting the engine Sam hesitated. Crowley became increasingly nervous.

“Sam?”

Without a word Sam leaned over and put a hand behind Crowley’s head. “I love you,” Sam whispered before leaning in and kissing him. 

“I… what, was that for,” Crowley asked when Sam finally broke the kiss.

“Because you looked like you needed a kiss.”

“I’m sorry, I just…”

“Hey, it’s okay. Whatever happens we’ll get through it together.”

Crowley started to bite his lower lip but stopped himself. Instead he nodded and Sam started the car. As they drove out of the parking lot Crowley turned and stared out of the window not even seeing the passing scenery. _‘Together.’_ It hurt knowing that this couldn’t last. He had to protect Sam even if that meant leaving him. He couldn’t stand the thought that Lucifer might find a way to reverse the spell that locked him in hell. Suddenly he turned back to Sam.

"Sam?"

Sam glanced over to him briefly. "Yeah baby?"

"When we get back can we… I mean, do you want…”

“Are you asking for sex?”

“If you want it,” Crowley muttered dropping his eyes.

“Crowley, look at me please.”

Crowley raised his eyes back to Sam.

“Do you want it?”

Crowley chewed on his lower lip. If he answered with ‘only if you do’ again Sam wouldn’t accept that. Sam was pressing for him to say it first. Taking a deep breath Crowley steadied himself. “Yes.” It came out more quiet than he had intended and slightly shaky. 

“Then yes, baby,” Sam answered.


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I know it's a bit short but I wanted to put 'hell' in one chapter. (Or attempt to)

*-*-*-*-*  
Three weeks later  
*-*-*-*-*

“You refuse to defend yourself,” Raphael asked.

“I refuse to pursue a useless avenue. If I end up in a drawn out fight with Lucifer I’m already dead. If I can’t take him out quickly he’ll definitely kill me in the end. Continued training on how to fight Lucifer is useless now. He’s an angel, I’m human. He’ll just smite me if it looks like I might get the upper hand. Without surprise I have nothing.”

“Perhaps I misjudged you,” Raphael acknowledged.

“Does that mean I can borrow your blade?”

“Borrow? If I let you use it, you and I both know I’m not getting it back.”

“I understand your concern but just as I will not be able to return neither will your blade. It too will be stuck in hell. Do you really care if demons use it to kill other demons?”

“And if you fail to kill my brother? If he ever finds a way out of hell and has possession of my blade-”

“It will not work as well for him as his own and his blade was lost.”

“Not lost,” Raphael answered cryptically.

“You know where the Morning Star’s angel blade is?”

“I would tell you, why?”

“He would be more harmed by his own blade.”

“And if you fail he would have possession of it,” Raphael argued.

“But if I have it I might not fail,” Crowley argued back.

“And if you do?”

Crowley bit his lower lip. He needed every possible advantage to kill the archangel of hell but was it worth returning Lucifer’s own blade to the archangel if he failed? “You’re right, I cede the point. I still need an archangel's blade, though.”

“To do what, precisely?”

“You know why I want it.”

“I wish to hear it from your mouth.”

“I wish to kill Lucifer.”

“Why?”

“Mostly because it protects my Sam, I will not lie. But also because it protects humanity.”

“You expect me to believe you truly care about humanity?”

“In all honesty? No, but I do.”

“Why?”

“I cannot explain it.” Crowley’s mind drifted back to the family at the mall. “Let’s just say that I’ve recently had a revelation and leave it at that.”

“Let’s not,” Raphael countered.

“Okay fine. I found a family I connected with. I’m not going further into it than that. Does it really matter why I care about other humans now?”

“Yes.”

“You know what? I do care about other humans now. That’s all there is to it. If you don’t allow me to take this chance then they’re endangered. As much as I don’t want that, I know you wish it less.”

Raphael nodded and began to pace slowly. Finally he stopped in the middle of the room. “I have decided that you may use my angel blade but you must leave tonight.”

“I will if you allow me to return to the bunker briefly.”

“Why?”

“You wish to protect humanity in general? All I want is two things. One, you let me leave a goodbye note for my Sam. Two, you take me miles away from the bunker to meet up with a group of demons that I can kill to make my way to hell.”

“If I say no?”

“I will find another way.”

“There is no other way.”

“I will find one. I will not leave my Sam without some kind of note.”

“I forbid it.”

“I don’t care. I will not leave my Sam without a goodbye note.”

“You are more assertive than I assumed,” Raphael mused.

“Never assume,” Crowley stated. “I will say goodbye to my Sam.” Crowley hesitated. “Can it not wait til tomorrow?” If possible he wanted one more night with his love.

“You have the tattoo?”

Crowley lowered his shirt to reveal a mostly healed anti-possession tattoo. “Sam thought it would be a good idea ‘just in case’.”

“Indeed. You may wait.”

Crowley released a breath he didn’t realize he had been holding. “Until tomorrow then?”

“Until tomorrow, yes.”

Before he had a chance to register it Raphael was gone. Gods he hated angels. He decided to try something new. _God,_ Crowley thought loudly. He cringed and waited to be struck down. When nothing happened Crowley cracked an eye. Interesting. Not particularly useful, but interesting.

Crowley raced down the hallway in a rush to get to his love. When he arrived at Sam’s room he stopped and got his breathing under control. If he opened the door out of breath Sam would know something was wrong. When he finally caught his breath he opened the door to Sam’s room. Sitting at the computer Sam looked back over his shoulder.

“I thought you were taking a shower.”

Damn. He had forgotten the shower in his rush to spend his last night with Sam.

“I… I’ll take a shower later. I…”

“Crowley?”

“You told me to ask! I’m asking. I want you.”

“Right now?”

“I… If… I mean…”

“You mean if I want it don’t you,” Sam asked.

“No.” Suddenly Crowley was struck with the very real reality that he would never see his Sam again. Even if he was punished so what? “I want you to fuck me. No. I want… I want you to make love to me!” Crowley paused. “Please?”

Sam grinned. “Anything you want baby.”

*-*-*-*-*

It was almost four a.m. by the time they finished and Sam fell asleep. Quietly Crowley got out of the bed and penned a note with all the important details Sam would need. When he was finished he set it on the desk and climbed back into bed with Sam. As tired as he was Crowley couldn’t allow himself to fall asleep. If this was his last night with Sam he was determined to stay awake and not miss a moment of it. Raphael would show up soon enough and Crowley would never see his Sam again. Until then he was going to soak up every moment he had left with his Sam. 

*-*-*-*-*

Crowley shifted slightly. Someone was shaking his shoulder. His eyes fluttered slightly. “Sam?”

“No.”

Crowley’s eyes shot open at the sound of that voice.

“Raphael.” Crowley twisted checking to see if Sam had woken.

“I shifted us. We’re in a side dimension, he will not be disturbed.”

“Thank you.”

“Don’t thank me. I’m doing this for my own reasons.”

“Aren’t we all,” Crowley muttered. “Right, so now what?”

Raphael ported them to the bunker’s dungeon. 

Looking down Crowley checked to make sure he was wearing clothing. He sighed in relief when he found himself clothed. “You know, I never liked being ported by angels when I was a demon,” Crowley growled. “I like porting even less now.”

Raphael shrugged. “We could have woken up Sam and done this in the room.”

Crowley resisted the urge to growl at the angel. “Blade?”

Raphael flicked his wrist and the blade appeared in his hand. “This better work.”

“I’m the one that’s dying for this,” Crowley grumbled.

“So you are.” Flipping the blade Raphael held it by the point, handle out toward Crowley.

Crowley took the blade and inspected it. It was weird not to feel the angelic power radiating off of the blade. Moving to the table Crowley set the blade down and glanced back up to the angel.

“You brought the supplies I asked for?”

*-*-*-*-*

Before he could blink an eye Crowley found them at an abandoned gas station. 

“Okay, what now,” Crowley asked.

Raphael handed Crowley a folded sheet of paper. “This is a list of the numbers of several demons still on the topside. I picked demons that were more likely to take you straight to hell without attempting ‘other things’ first.”

Crowley didn’t have to ask about what Raphael meant by ‘other things’. He knew what that phrase meant.

“Got it.”

“Crowley?”

“Yes?”

“Do not fail.”

“Wasn’t planning on it.”

“And Crowley.”

“Yes?”

“Good luck.”

Before he could respond the angel was gone. Gods he hated angels. Crowley twisted his arm and inspected the slight discoloration. Running his fingers over the mark that signified Raphael’s blade Crowley felt slightly better. Hopefully the discoloration was slight enough not to be questioned until it was too late. The only one that was likely to question it would be Lucifer. Hopefully he could enact the plan before that happened.

Sighing heavily Crowley unfolded the piece of paper and inspected it. Only two of the names he knew, the others he didn’t. It wasn’t really surprising. There was a certain hierarchy in hell. Lesser demons didn’t interact with higher ranking demons unless the higher demon initiated it. One also had to take into account that some of the names could be demons who were fresh from the pits during the five years he had spent as Lucifer’s slave.

*-*-*-*-*

Of the two he knew, he didn’t like either of them. Both had been beneath him before his tenure as Lucifer’s personal play thing. Both had jumped at the opportunity to hurt him. He decided to start with the first one he didn’t know and work his way down. Crowley pulled out his cell phone and called the first number.

*-*-*-*-*

“The infamous Crowley.”

Crowley cocked his head and inspected the demon in front of him. Slowly he pushed himself off of the wall he was leaning against and inspected the demon. Perhaps if he was still a demon he would be more concerned. As things stood Crowley was completely unimpressed with the demon standing in front of him. He knew how demons thought, but more importantly he knew what Lucifer wanted. He palmed the demon blade he had stolen from Sam. That gave him more courage than he would have otherwise.

“I know you’re listening,” Crowley announced.

“Of course I’m listening,” the demon stated annoyed.

“I wish to make a deal.”

“You are in no position to make a deal,” the demon replied.

Crowley continued despite the demon’s contributions to the conversation. “You leave the Winchesters alone and I come along peacefully. If not…” Crowley pulled the knife hidden behind his back and stabbed the demon.

“I await your response.”

*-*-*-*-*

As expected it wasn’t long before Lucifer sent more demons to apprehend him. 

“Four?”

One of them stepped forward and drew a knife of his own. “You will come with us.”

“If I didn’t have any intentions of returning I wouldn’t have called,” Crowley said rolling his eyes.

“You will hand over the knife.”

“Up here? Topside? Naw, don’t think so mate. Here’s what we’re going to do. One of you is going to die. That’s just how it works. When we get to hell I’ll make my way to the throne room. I’ll turn over the knife when I get to Luci.”

As one the four demons gripped their heads and let out pained cries. Crowley didn’t have any sympathy for what the four were experiencing. He had suffered through far worse than anything Lucifer was doing to these demons. When Lucifer was finished punishing these demons for his disrespect he would kill one and ride it to hell. That’s when things would get difficult. Still he wanted to get this over with quickly.

“Stop that,” he ordered. “It’s me you’re pissed at, take it out on me when you get the chance. Unless you can only hurt those that can’t fight back?”

Instantly one of the demons smoked out of it’s body and rushed him. Crowley stood still, waiting. When the demon was unable to possess him it returned to his body.

“You didn’t think I would take precautions,” Crowley asked annoyed.

The demon that tried to possess him fell to the ground gripping his head and the others cast looks of sympathy towards it. _Where was the sympathy when it was me,_ Crowley wondered. 

“He says you may kill that one,” one of the other demons stated.

Crowley took a few steps closer. “That one?”

“Yes.”

Crowley drew his knife and glanced down. He couldn’t do it. Not because he felt sorry for the demon Lucifer was punishing. He couldn’t let Lucifer dictate what he could do or couldn’t. Instead of going for the demon on the ground Crowley slash at the demon in front of him.


	21. Chapter 21

Hell. It was somehow worse than Crowley had assumed it would be. Yes, he knew how it should seem. Yes, he had memories of it. But it still made him shiver. A demon strode forward and stopped just in front of him.

“You will remove your clothes now that you are returned,” the demon ordered.

“Not on your life.”

“You are ordered to do so by your king.”

“First off, I will not remove my clothes. Lucifer will have to remove them himself. If any demon tries I will kill them. Secondly, he’s not my king. In case you didn’t notice, I’m not a demon anymore. The longer you stand here arguing the longer it will take for me to reach the throne room.”

“You will remove your clothes before you enter the throne room.”

Crowley shrugged his left shoulder. Taking one step forward he plunged the knife into the demon’s chest. Crowley waited only until he was sure the demon was dead before heading for the throne room. 

*****

Before he was half way there three demons rushed up to him and drew knives. Crowley rolled his eyes. 

“Hand over the knife.” one of the demons ordered. 

“Only to Lucifer,” Crowley growled.

“You will do as ordered,” the demon grunted.

“Never,” Crowley argued. “The last demon was killed because he annoyed me. Be careful you don’t suffer the same fate.”

*****

The throne room. The thing of nightmares. Gods it was hard to break his training. I have new training now, Crowley told himself. And a goal. Must protect Sam. He fought not to cringe against the sight of the room itself. He couldn’t stop the small flinch when he saw Lucifer eying him from the throne. Crowley steeled himself and strode forward. When he was almost to the throne two demons barred his path.

“Knife,” one of them demanded.

“I said I would only hand it over to Lucifer,” Crowley reiterated.

“If you think we’re going to let you approach the throne with a weapon-”

“Is the big bad angel scared a little knife?”

“Let him pass,” Lucifer ordered. 

The demons moved aside without a word. Crowley approached the throne and flipped the knife in his fingers. When he was holding it by the point he held the knife up, stretched his arm out and dropped the knife in front of Lucifer.

“You smell like my brother,” Lucifer stated.

“Because I spent time with him,” Crowley said dismissively. “And it was far better than the time I spent with you.”

Lucifer scowled.

With Lucifer’s ego Crowley figured bringing his brother into this ought to tweak the angel. “Raphael was better at _everything_ ,” Crowley said with a smirk.

The next thing Crowley knew he was laying on the ground naked. Crowley blinked trying to refocus on the task at hand. It was more difficult now that he was naked in the presence of Lucifer. Sitting up Crowley eyed Lucifer haughtily. “ _He_ never had to will my clothes away,” Crowley gloated. 

Lucifer growled. “Kneel,” he ordered.

Crowley rolled his eyes. “Seriously? You think I’m going to take orders from you after I’ve had better? I spent more than enough time on the ground for your brother,” Crowley taunted.

Lucifer stood and strode towards him. Crowley’s fingers twitched as he waited for the perfect moment. Lucifer stopped still too far away. Crowley had to get Lucifer closer before he could do anything.

“Not just your brother,” Crowley added. “I spent time in bed with Sam as well. You remember Sam don’t you? In case you forgot he was mortal that _defied_ you and trapped you back in hell. The man that waltz into _your_ personal domain and stole _your_ personal slave out from under _your_ nose,” Crowley sneered. “I also spent time on my back with Dean.” 

Lucifer stalked forward and Crowley tensed, waiting for the perfect moment. Just before Lucifer was close enough the archangel struck out with his Grace and flung Crowley across the room. Crowley struck the wall hard and fell to the floor. Wincing Crowley blinked trying to clear his vision. He had to get Lucifer angry enough to attack him physically for his plan to work. He was going to have to step up his game.

“How does that make you feel? That a human was better at fucking than _you_ ,” Crowley called out. 

Before he knew it Crowley was pressed against a wall and Lucifer had a hand wrapped around his throat. Finally Lucifer was close enough. If he could just get enough air to mouth the few words needed… Crowley struggled to speak. Lucifer loosened his grip slightly.

“What you worthless slave?”

“Lamina… manu… mea,” Crowley whispered.

Instantly Raphael’s blade appeared in his right hand. Surprise shown in Lucifer’s eyes. As Crowley raised the blade he could feel Lucifer gathering his Grace. Time seemed to slow down. It was a race between Crowley raising his arm and Lucifer being able to unleash his Grace into Crowley. As the blade connected and slid into the archangel’s neck the world went white.

*-*-*-*-*

Crowley blinked trying to make sense of whatever had happened. The world stayed white. Was he dead? Had Lucifer killed him before he managed to kill Lucifer? Was the archangel still alive?

“Fergus MacLeod,” a voice called from behind him.

Crowley turned around and frowned at the man behind him. “Who are you?”

“I wanted to thank you for doing something I couldn’t,” the man stated.

“You didn’t answer my question,” Crowley replied.

The man gave a small smile. “Who I am is not important, Fergus. Thank you for being willing to sacrifice everything to help others.”

“I haven’t been Fergus in centuries. If you know anything about me, you’d know that.”

“I know more about you than you would believe.”

“And yet you won’t tell me anything about yourself?”

“I told you, that would be unimportant.”

“What do you think is important then?”

“Your actions to help protect the human race.”

“If you knew anything you’d know that was mostly about helping my Sam.”

“And the child in the mall?”

Crowley frowned. “He was a random child, nothing more.”

“Oh? Then why not let the moment pass?”

“What difference did it make either way?”

The shorter man smiled. “You know the answer to that.”

Crowley thought about that. He realize it made a difference because every action caused a ripple effect. Negative actions caused negative ripples. Positive actions cause positive ripples. “Am I dead?”

“Good question. Not one easily answered, but good question. The answer to that would take longer than we have and you wouldn’t remember the answer.”

“Why wouldn’t I remember it,” Crowley asked suspiciously. 

Instead of answering the other man smiled and placed a hand on Crowley’s chest.

“Always try your best to cause the good ripples,” the man stated.

The world went black.

*-*-*-*-*

Crowley opened his eyes and found himself dog paddling in some body of water. Panicked Crowley slipped under water briefly before making his way back to the surface. The water stung his eyes and Crowley realized he was in an ocean. The last thing he remembered was stabbing Lucifer. How had he ended up in an ocean? 

As he tread water he turned trying to spot anything. Behind him a ship was making its way towards him. Crowley yelled trying to catch the attention of anyone on the ship. Someone walked over to the railing on the front of the ship and waved. Strangely, the person looked familiar. Crowley squinted trying to make out the figure. Raphael?

*-*-*-*-*

Crowley glared at the angel. “If you knew where I was going to end up you could have made sure it wasn’t an ocean.”

“Be happy I made sure you got a ride and you didn’t have to swim to the nearest shore,” Raphael replied.

“Where are we anyway?”

“Near the Philippines.”

Crowley crossed his arms and sulked.

One of the crew walked over and spoke to him in a language Crowley didn’t understand.

“Now what’s he saying,” Crowley asked.

“He wishes to know if you sure you are sure you do not want a blanket,” Raphael told him.

“I _want_ Sam,” Crowley grumbled.

“You know why I can’t just take you to him right now.”

Crowley continued to sulk and didn’t bother replying to that comment. Yes, he understood the angels reservations about porting from the boat directly to Sam but that didn’t mean he had to like it. Crowley mollified himself by the fact that they should dock and be able to get off the boat in less than an hour.

*-*-*-*-*

“Remember. You are to tell them nothing about my assistance,” Raphael reminded Crowley.

“I know,” Crowley shot back. “Phase us back to the material plane,” he demanded.

Raphael gave a slight nod. Crowley found himself alone, back in the material plane, standing just inside the bunker. 

“Sam,” he whispered.

Quickly Crowley inspected the bunker only to find it empty. There were signs of a hasty departure but nothing indicating where the brothers might have gone. Rushing back to Sam’s room he searched through everything until he came across one of the spare cell phones in a desk drawer. Flipping the phone open he found Sam’s main cellphone number in the contacts and hit call. Crowley counted the rings. One. Two. Three. 

_“Who is this and how did you get that phone?”_

“Sam! It’s me, where are you?”

_“Crowley? Where are you?”_

“In the bunker. Where are you?”

_“I found your note. Dean and I went to find demons. We’ve been trying to get information on you.”_

“If Castiel’s with you then he could come back and get me. I need to see you.”

Instantly Sam and Dean appeared in front of him; Castiel between the two with a hand on each of their shoulders. 

“Or I could just bring them to you,” Castiel stated.

Crowley dropped the phone and rushed to his Sam.

As Crowley’s arms wrapped around his Sam, Sam’s arms encircled him.

“Gods I’ve missed you,” Crowley whispered.

“Don’t ever fucking do that again,” Sam ordered tightening his grip.

“Never. There’s nothing in this world or out of it that could ever make me leave you again.”

“Crowley,” Dean interjected.

“Hmm,” Crowley hummed questioningly.

“Were you successful?”

Crowley lifted his head off of Sam’s chest and turned to Dean. “Yes.” He turned to Castiel. “The Morning Star is dead.”

 

*-*-*-*-*  
One Year Later  
*-*-*-*-*

It had been one year since Crowley had returned. The three of them, Sam, Dean and himself, had made a point of tracking down and killing as many of the demons remaining topside as they could find. It was inevitable that a few should have slipped through but if they ever ran across them they would die as well. 

Sam and Crowley both considered the day that he had returned from killing Lucifer as the official start of their relationship. For their anniversary Crowley had taken Sam out to the nicest restaurant in town. At some point he excused himself to use the restroom. On his way to the restroom he overheard a conversation between a couple. The two were discussing how nice it was to be able to come here occasionally. Unable to help it, Crowley eavesdropped a little longer on the conversation. When he realized the couple couldn’t afford to go out often and coming somewhere this nice was a treat, Crowley changed directions. He headed for hostess stand. He pointed out the couple and told the hostess he would like to pay for their meal. He handed her his card and waited. When she returned his card he finally made his way to the restroom.

By the time he finished there was another man in the restroom washing his hands. The other man nodded at him and Crowley returned the nod as he moved to wash his own hands. He couldn’t shake the feeling that something about the other man seemed vaguely familiar. When the other man finished washing his hands he turned to Crowley.

“Yes,” Crowley asked.

“Good ripples,” the man said with a smile before leaving.

Crowley frowned. He had a feeling he’d heard those words before. Quickly he rushed out of the bathroom. His eyes landed on Sam but the other man was nowhere to be found.

“Did someone else just leave the restroom?”

“I didn’t see anyone,” Sam told him.

“Never mind. It’s not important. Did you have a good time?”

“Always when I’m with you,” Sam said taking Crowley’s hand.

“Ready to go home?”

“Definitely,” Crowley stated. 

Hand in hand, as the two left the restaurant, Crowley couldn’t remember a time when he had ever been so happy.


End file.
